


Your Mess Is Mine

by Lizzyboo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (not discussed in detail), Angst, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Smut in future chapters, Strangers to Lovers, before the the beginning of the story, illness of a minor character, mention of suicide, sounds heavy but generally a pretty positive story, suicide of a minor character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-29 22:51:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 53,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12640926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzyboo/pseuds/Lizzyboo
Summary: “I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard.“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess.“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.---------------------------------A university!au where Dan is a third year student dealing with demons from his past, and Phil is the peculiar guy from his Greek mythology class who he just can’t quite get out of his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> there will probably be more tags added to this as the story progresses

He was looking out the window of his lecture hall, watching the trees with the golden-red leaves struggling to keep their hold on the branches, most of them eventually giving up and letting go, spinning gently in the air before joining their fallen friends on the ground. 

There were people walking outside. Some in couples, some in small groups and some by themselves. The sun was peeking out of the clouds every few minutes, only to disappear again after a moment.

Dan always made sure to sit in the far end of the lecture hall, next to the window. It made the whole thing a lot more pleasant. With one look to his left he wasn’t a student anymore, listening to a professor talking about something that may or may not be interesting, he was a person enjoying a lovely autumn day, watching the clouds in the sky and the wind in the trees and wondering if it’s going to rain and if he still had his umbrella somewhere in the bottom of his backpack. 

It made the long hours of sitting next to his fellow students, typing typing typing on their laptops in the attempt not to miss an important information that will probably be in the test, move a lot quicker. 

And it wasn’t that Dan hated university. He was fine with it really. He and his university co-existed peacefully with each other for two years now, and had no big problems between them. 

But sometimes escapism was a good thing, even if just in the form of looking out the window and thinking about random, mundane things. 

Generally, Dan considered himself a pretty mundane guy. He liked reading books and playing video games and thinking about the weather and had all the characteristics that made a very ordinary, regular person. 

He lived in a dorm room with a cliché, weird, mostly absent roommate. Had parents that were mildly interested in his life but never too invested. Had a younger brother he always used to fight with before moving away and a dog he probably missed more than anyone in his hometown. 

He wasn’t a picky eater and didn’t have a feud with anyone at the campus. He liked flowers and stars and animals, but didn’t know too much about any of them. 

And when being asked “so, tell me about yourself,” usually in a loud bar, by a guy or a girl with a big, flirtatious smile looking at him expectedly, he would lough awkwardly and say, “oh, I’m nothing interesting, really.” 

And he wasn’t, really. 

 

**********************************

What he always found weird was that Oliver was generally a regular person as well. 

They knew each other since primary school, became friends instantly when Dan moved to the house next door. Dan’s mum dragged him along with her to say hello to all the neighbors and bring them store-bought apple pies (which she took out of the box and put in a baking tray and heated in the oven. “No one needs to know,” she said with a wink.) 

Oliver was a little shy but not reserved. He was taller than Dan at the time, which he mentioned in the first two minutes of their first meeting. He had dark, curly hair and light grey eyes and he waved at Dan from behind his mother’s skirt but then moved forwards and offered him to go play in his room politely. 

They grew up together. Went through every step of their childhood next to each other. 

He was there when Oliver got his braces, comforting him and telling him they looked fine. Was there when Oliver’s fish died, helping him organize the funeral, because it was a good fish and it deserved to be remembered. Was there when Oliver got his acceptance letter to his first-choice university, spent the night in his bed talking about how they’re going to make it work even though they’d be living in different ends of the country, how it didn’t matter, it’s just 4 years anyway. 

And Oliver was really a regular, normal person, just like Dan. He had normal, boring, problems and regular family life and friends and Dan by his side. 

And that’s why it came as such a big surprise, a shock even, when Dan was called out of his math class one day and asked to go to the counselor’s office with no explanation. 

He and Oliver spent time together the day before. They had a lovely day skipping school and feeding the ducks in the lake in their favorite park. 

As they both knew their days together were few (Oliver was heading off to uni just after graduation for his summer courses), they made sure to spend as much time with each other as possible. 

And Oliver was fine. He was a little quieter than usual, a little more distant. But he held Dan’s hand and fed the ducks and smiled at the way they gathered around them.

And besides, they were both pretty quiet in general, spending a lot of time in silence in each other’s company. So really, nothing could have prepared Dan for this. 

They said he left no note. Not to his parents, not to Dan. 

He did organize his room before, moving a lot of his books and games to his sister’s room. They said it looked like he planned it for some time now. They asked if he knew anything, if Oliver had showed any signs. 

When he shook his head and said nothing else they looked at him sympathetically and petted his shoulder, telling him to go home for the day. 

That’s when Dan realized that you can never know what’s going on in someone’s mind, even when you think they have the most mundane, regular thoughts in the world. Even if you considered them an extension of yourself. 

 

********************************

“Can I sit here?” a cheerful voice asked, and Dan blinked up at it in confusion. 

Dan was sitting in his regular spot in his usual coffee shop on campus drinking coffee and reading a book when the stranger approached him.

The person was around Dan’s age, probably. He had black hair and small lips and his eyes shined blue behind black rimmed, a little bit crooked glasses. 

He was wearing a big, puffy coat and a long, warm scarf that was wrapped around his neck a few times. His cheeks were red from the cold and he had mittens on his hands and a vibrant pink hat on his head with a pom pom on top. He was holding a brown bag in one hand and a coffee cup in the other.

Dan looked around the half empty coffee shop in confusion, returning his gaze to the guy in front of him. 

“Yeah, sure.” He said eventually, moving his bag from the chair opposite him, gesturing for the guy to take a sit, putting down his book.

“Great!” he said enthusiastically, throwing his backpack on the floor and flopping on the chair Dan just offered him. 

He started taking off his layers of winter clothes, pealing them from his body one by one before locking his eyes with Dan. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said with a serious tone, catching Dan off guard. 

“Do you?” honestly, it wasn’t that hard to guess. 

“Yes. You’re thinking that this hat totally clashes with everything else I’m wearing, and you’re not wrong.” He was looking at Dan with round, shiny eyes. Dan blinked at him a few times, dumbstruck.

“Umm, what?” 

“You see, I couldn’t find my hat this morning, so my brother’s girlfriend lent me hers. And I didn’t have any clothes to match it, so we ended up with this,” he finished, gesturing to his outfit, before lifting up his coffee and taking a loud sip. Dan looked at him for a few moments, lost for words. 

“It’s not even that cold outside,” he ended up saying, because really, nothing rational was coming out of this boy’s mouth, might as well go along. 

The guy let out a high pitched laugh, his eyes crinkling, making Dan physically jump from the surprising noise. 

“That’s what everyone’s always saying to me! But I’m just constantly cold, see?” he said, bringing his hands that were just out of the mittens to touch Dan’s across the table, making him flinch from how cold they really were. 

“Oh! Sorry! My brother told me to stop touching people with no permission, I should really stop doing that.” He said, suddenly looking a little sheepish. Was this guy serious?

“It’s okay, just cold hands, like you said,” Dan reassured. 

The boy’s face perked up immediately, smiling wide at Dan. Dan noticed the side of his tongue peeking out of his mouth when he did that. 

“You’re Dan, right?” he asked suddenly, leaning forward, resting his elbows on the table and his face on the palms of his hands, looking up at Dan. Dan couldn’t be more confused. 

“Do we know each other?” Dan asked, even though he was pretty sure the answer should be no. 

To his surprise, the guy seemed to consider his question for a second. 

“That depends, do you know me?” he asked, smiling cheekily. 

Dan looked at him intently. 

“I… don’t think so?” he asked more than said. Honestly, Dan wasn’t sure of anything anymore. 

“Oh,” he sounded a little disappointed, and Dan couldn’t stop the small feeling of guilt from making this bizarre guy loose his smile, even for a second. 

“I’m in your Greek mythology class. And last semester I was in your English literature class.”

Dan felt his cheeks blush a little. He just never really took the time to get to know anyone in his classes, but to not even recognizing someone who he saw at least two times a week and who actually knew his name was very embarrassing. 

“I don’t- “ 

“Oh don’t worry about it! It was actually a silly question on my side,” he cut Dan off, leaning back on his chair and waving his hand dismissively.

“I used to look very different up until a week ago, so no worries.” He added, taking out a muffin from his brown bag and started to pinch little slices, putting them in his mouth one by one. 

“I had this mousy brown hair, a little ginger maybe, and it was a lot longer. And I was wearing contacts instead of glasses” He said, covering his mouth with his hand while chewing.

Now that he mentioned it, Dan could kind of connect the dots. There was a guy that fit that description in his class. Not that Dan ever talked to him. 

“Yeah I think I remember now. Philip, isn’t it?” he asked. He had a vague memory of the professor saying that name at some point. 

The guy’s eye’s sparkled with joy. 

“Yes! I mean, kind of. It’s Phil actually.” He said, wiping his hand on his jumper and reaching it across the table for Dan to shake. 

Dan took it awkwardly, just kind of holding it, not quite sure what to do. He was always horrible at hand shakes. Phil didn’t seem to mind though. 

“Ah! Your hand is so warm!” he announced, a little too loudly, launching his other hand towards Dan as well and clasping Dan’s hand between both his own. 

“Lucky,” he pouted, letting go after a few seconds. Dan couldn’t help but chuckle, just a little. 

At that Phil looked at Dan up and down, a little mischief in his eyes, making Dan shuffle a little uncomfortably in his seat. 

“So, what do you think?” Phil asked, leaning on his elbows once more. 

“About what?” Dan asked, trying to sound nonchalant and not at all like he had no idea what was going on anymore. 

“My new look obviously! What do you think of it?” he exclaimed, like it was the most normal question to ask a stranger. 

Dan laughed a little, shaking his head. “Oh, sorry, how stupid of me,” Dan said, hitting himself in the face with his hand for dramatic effect. 

Phil giggled, a small melodic sound that made Dan’s smile involuntarily grow wider. 

“I can’t judge like this. I need to see from all angles,” Dan added jokingly, but wasn’t even surprised when Phil stood up and did a twirl, giving Dan what he asked for before sitting back down in front of him. 

“Well?” Phil asked, smirking a little at Dan. 

Dan gave him a considerate look. 

“It’s nice, I like it.” 

Phil’s eyes sparkled again. Dan never met a weirder man-child in his life. 

“Really?” he asked, bringing his hand to his hair and ruffling it a little. 

“Not too short?” 

“A very good length if you ask me.” 

“And the glasses? I used to hate myself in them.” 

“I think they suit you.” 

“Great!” he said, bringing his palms together in delight. Dan couldn’t help his smile at this point, humming a little in agreement. 

A silence settled on them, and Dan finally picked up his own, now cold, cup of coffee and took a few sips, looking at Phil from above the rim of his cup. 

Phil looked a little uncomfortable now that there wasn’t a constant stream of words between them. His confidante aura diminishing and replaced by a nervous fidgeting and constant side glancing to every possible direction, like he was trying desperately to come up with the next part of this surreal conversation. 

“Umm… I actually came here to ask you something.” He said eventually, looking back at Dan. 

“What, besides my opinion on your looks?” Dan teased, trying to help Phil relax again. He was so peculiar, it was strangely endearing, and Dan didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable. Besides, Dan hated uncomfortable moments himself, hated when people got shy or nervous around him. Made him get shy and nervous as well. 

To Dan’s relief Phil giggled at him again, letting his tongue peek out of the side of his mouth. 

“No, that was just to break the ice.” He said, and Dan was a little taken aback by this answer, even though it was pretty obvious. 

“You don’t say,” Dan said coolly, a little sarcastically, sipping again from his drink. 

Phil giggled again. “Don’t be mean! I’m nervous and you’re not helping!” he said, voice whiny and doing something funny to Dan’s stomach. 

Dan lifted his hands up in surrender, “sorry, go on.” 

Phil took a big breath, looking straight at Dan with sincere eyes. 

“I wanted to ask you for your notes from the last lecture. I was absent and I don’t know anyone on that course.” 

Dan blinked at him a few times, surprised. That was really not where he thought this conversation was heading. 

“Umm, yeah, sure.” 

Phil smiled at him big and bright and Dan felt a little bit disappointed.

“Really? That’s great!” he said, clapping his hands a few times in excitement. 

He took one of the napkins that was lying on the table, taking out a pen from his backpack and scribbled something on it in a big, messy handwriting, shoving it in Dan’s direction unceremoniously. 

“Thank you so much Dan! You’re a life saver.” 

“Happy to help.” 

Phil got up then, picking up all of his winter clothes, pulling his hat on his head to cover his ears and giving Dan one last toothy smile before walking straight out of the coffee shop without saying another word. 

Dan looked after him, stunned and a little bit dazed. 

When Phil disappeared around the corner and Dan couldn’t keep track of where he was anymore, he looked down to the napkin. There, with a blue ink, Phil wrote: 

‘amazingphil@gmail.com 

Email the notes to this address please, thank you so much!

(btw, I also came over to say that I think you’re cute, but chickened out in the end. If it’s okay, I would love it if you’d give me another chance to say it in person? <3 ) ‘

At the bottom of the napkin he left a barely readable phone number, and a whole line of x’s and o’s. 

Dan couldn’t help the smile spreading on his face. He folded the napkin neatly and put it in his pocket, picking up his backpack and leaving the coffee shop as well, feeling the chilly autumn wind ruffling his hair and letting himself think of big blue eyes and hideous pink hats with a pom pom on top. Just for a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so haha what do you think? this is my first time writing a chaptered fic, so tell me if you think it's interesting so far!
> 
> this story is influenced by the book Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami , so if you read the book and see similarities, that's why!
> 
> (come say hello on tumblr- phantasticlizzy)


	2. Chapter 2

The first two weeks of November brought with them a surprizing amount of distress to Dan’s quiet life. 

It started with him getting a nasty cold that lasted a whole week. It made him sneeze and cough and caused a never ending stream of snot to come out of his nose at any given time. He hated being sick while away from his parents’ house, away from the babying and fussing of his mother. Every task (like cooking or making himself a cup of tea or going to buy himself some medication) became the most unbearable, tedious mission in the world.

What made it even worse was that his roommate, Ezra, decided to suddenly spend all of his extra time in their dorm room. 

Usually, Ezra was out almost all hours of the day. He got up early in the mornings, heading out to the library before Dan was even awake. After his classes he had his job working at his uncle’s furniture store as a sales man, usually working there until closing time and then having dinner at his aunt and uncle’s place. 

So Dan only saw him a few hours a week, which he was, quite frankly, more than fine with. 

It’s not that Ezra was a particularly unpleasant person, no. it’s just that… well, he was very unusual. 

For example, when he and Dan had started living together at the beginning of the semester, for the first 3 nights he played a ‘collection of Beethoven’s bests’ loudly on his laptop throughout the entire night on repeat, saying that there was no other way he could fall asleep. 

When he told this to Dan on their first meeting, Dan was more than sure he was joking. Even asked “Why not Mozart?” as a response to Ezra’s heads up, earning him a very serious, very offended rant about all the ways in which Mozart was overrated. 

But when in 11 pm, after saying good night to Dan, the loud tune of Beethoven’s compositions started playing from Ezra’s speakers, Dan was, for the lack of better word, shocked. 

He was so surprised that he didn’t even say anything, thinking that maybe it was some kind of a prank, and surly he will get some kind of roommate points for enduring this joke so graciously. 

But after three sleepless nights he had to come to the realization that Ezra was very serious about his intentions to listen to the music all night every night, regardless of Dan’s presence in the room. 

And Dan had roommates before, and was no stranger to the concept of living with a person who wasn’t exactly the perfect match for him. But this was, objectively, too much. 

He tried to be subtle. Tried to offer Ezra his earphones or say in the mornings that he couldn’t sleep the night before, but nothing was working. 

So Dan couldn’t even be mad at himself when on the fourth night, he snapped. 

He wasn’t too proud of his choice of words. There were a few name calling involved, a little bit of yelling and a lot of apologizing the next day, but it did do its job.

And besides, Ezra was spending so little time in their room anyway, so Dan wasn’t too fussed about being on the best of terms with him. He was more than happy co-existing with the guy, as long as he let him sleep peacefully at nights. 

But one day, at the beginning of the month, Ezra came back to their room earlier than usual, marching to his bed and flopping down on it with thud. He was huffing and puffing in anger, his eyes were a little pink and his lips were in a thin line. 

Dan tried to ignore it for a while, not wanting to get involved in his roommates personal life if the other didn’t want him to. But after what must have been Ezra’s fifth loud groan in the span of ten minutes, distracting Dan from his studies (or his procrastination on tumblr), he gave in. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, turning to look at his distressed roommate. 

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Fine,” Dan shrugged, turning back to his computer, only to hear another groan from Ezra. 

“Ezra, if you want to share something then just get on with it.” He really did try to sound sympathetic, even if his words came out a little sharper than intended. 

Ezra looked at him pointedly for a moment. “I got fired from my job.” 

“Fired?” 

“That’s what I said.” 

“I thought you worked at your uncle’s place?” 

“I did.” 

“Then who fired you?” 

“My uncle.” 

Dan blinked at him a few times before letting out an unintentional bark of laughter, covering his mouth immediately with his hands. 

“It’s really not funny,” Ezra said, crossing his arms on his chest. 

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just… man, you must have really been shit.” 

Ezra’s face turned red from embarrassment and Dan had the feeling like he might have actually offended him with his comment. 

“I was not… I was not shit!” he spat, turning away from Dan to face the wall. Dan felt a pang of guilt. 

He and Ezra were not close, by any means, but the guy clearly was upset, and Dan was not heartless. 

He scooted his chair from his desk to Ezra’s bed, looking down at the defeated form of his roommate. 

“Sorry mate, that really sucks. But it will be fine, yeah? Don’t worry about it.” He tried to comfort, cringing at how bad he was at it. 

Ezra huffed again, turning his head to stare angrily at Dan. 

“Easy for you to say. We don’t all have mummy and daddy to pay for everything.” 

And Dan really didn’t have an answer for this, because technically Ezra was right. 

His parents did pay for his tuition and dorms and most living expenses. Dan did work in the summer and did some casual tutoring from time to time to earn some extra money, but he did have a lot of help. 

The main reasons Dan was still living in the dorms in his third year and didn’t try to find an apartment like most of his friends was the simple fact that it was cheaper, and he couldn’t ask his parents for more than he was already receiving. 

And besides, Dan didn’t really care where he was living. As long as he got a roof over his head and no music playing in the middle of the night, he was good. 

With that being said, that night Dan found a six hour video of Beethoven’s compositions and played it on his laptop with a loud volume as a peace offering. 

He didn’t get a thank you, but the next morning he did find a bag of Doritos on his night stand, and it was all that needed to be said. 

 

*****************************

Another thing that made the month start on the wrong foot for Dan was that Phil, the guy from the coffee shop, was ignoring him. 

Dan sent him a message the day after they’d met, wanting to show Phil that he was interested, but got no response back. 

He also sent him his notes from the lecture like he asked for, adding that if he needed any help understanding anything he could always ask Dan, but got no ‘thank you’ in return. No recognition. Nothing. 

The next Greek mythology class he had, he looked for Phil’s black hair and blue eyes everywhere in the lecture hall, but to no avail. The guy disappeared from the face of the earth. 

Dan sent him the notes from that lecture as well, asking if everything was alright and if something had happened to make him miss more classes. But again, got no response. 

And Dan was definitely no stranger to rejection. 

During his time at uni he did get rejected his fair share of times. He knew how to take a hint. So even though he was a little disappointed by Phi’s behaviour, he was hardly devastated over it.

And he did date a few people in the last two years, but none of them lasted very long.

It was weird for him at first. He never had the need to date and get to know new people and think about relationships because since a young age he had Oliver satisfying his every need for human interaction and intimacy. 

He was completely new to the dating world, confused and lost and trying to figure out what the right way to present himself was. 

How was he supposed to act on a first date? What was he supposed wear? What was he supposed ask? And how much was he supposed share? 

And a lot of the people who came on to him originally didn’t even ask him for a second date after going out with him once, because at first, he was just that awkward. It took him some time to refine the art of small talk and subtle flirtation. To find the balance between distant and boring and overeager.

And it was hard on him, to ignore the feeling of guilt. To not feel like he was cheating on Oliver. 

Because even though they never were really officially together, in every sense of the word, they were. 

And Dan hated feeling like he was doing something wrong, like he was betraying Oliver’s trust in him. Like he was forgetting all of their late nights together, all the secrets they’ve shared and all the promises for the future they’ve made.

But Oliver wasn’t there anymore, he chose to leave. Or maybe he had no other option, Dan didn’t know, and honestly, he hated thinking about it. 

Either way Dan was left behind, and he had to keep going. 

Oliver chose to die but Dan was trying to choose living, and to do that he had to try and find happiness. He had to move on. 

But saying was easier than doing, and with the few people he did end up seeing for more than one date, he found himself slowly pulling away, shutting them out and closing the doors. 

But he didn’t want to give up. He didn’t want to admit defeat and let his grief win, take the easy way out of any future possibilities. 

And he really did like Phil from their one meeting. He was quirky and unique, even if a little strange. He was funny and endearing and he had pretty eyes and smile and soft looking cheeks and Dan was really willing to give it a shot. 

But after a week of being ignored he officially decided that he crossed the line from showing Phil he was interested to seeming a little too intense, so he decided to take a step back. 

Yes, he did think Phil was cute but obviously Phil changed his mind and Dan was not going to chase some stranger around for a chance for a date. 

So he let it go and tried to focus on his studies (which was really hard to do with his insistent cold and Ezra’s constant moping presence in the room), but he did manage it to an extent. 

But to his surprise, on the third week of November, while he was sitting in his regular seat in the lecture hall and reading a book before the start of his Greek mythology class, he was approached by none other than Phil. 

He took the seat next to Dan, not even bothering to ask for permission this time, and smiled at him big and bright. 

He was wearing his big puffy coat again, even though they were inside and the heating was on. His cheeks were red and his eyes were shiny behind his glasses and Dan found himself smiling back at him, forgetting about the two weeks of silence. 

“Hey you,” Phil said, leaning his elbow on the desk and his face on the palm of his hand, making his soft looking cheek squish. 

“Hello,” Dan answered, putting his book down. 

“How have you been?” Phil asked. 

“Had a bit of a cold, but its better now, you?” 

Phil looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh no! Are you okay?” he Exclaimed loudly, ignoring Dan’s question and staring at him like he just announced his terminal, incurable illness, drawing the attention of a few other people around them. 

Dan chuckled a little awkwardly. “Yes, it’s just a cold, happens sometimes, you know?” 

Phil wasn’t having it though. He reached out his hand, a bit suddenly, and touched it to Dan’s forehead. Like last time, it was very cold and Dan had to refrain from flinching. 

Phil looked very concentrated for a few seconds before letting his hand drop. “Oh, good, you don’t have a fever,” he said with a sigh, smiling again at Dan. 

“I told you I’m fine. Been fine for a few days now.” 

Phil pouted at that, looking at Dan disapprovingly, reaching out his hand again to play with the zipper of Dan’s hoodie. “Now I wish I knew sooner and could have made you soup or something, I’m very good at taking care of sick people.” 

And Dan couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little pissed off, because really, what the hell? 

“Well, I would have told you, but you didn’t answer my texts or emails.” He said, trying to sound nonchalant. Because really, it wasn’t fair of Phil to say things like that. Dan tried to reach out, and Phil clearly rejected him. 

Phil looked surprised by Dan’s reaction for a second, letting go of his zipper before his expression turned sheepish. 

“I’m sorry. I had a few family matters I needed to deal with. I got your notes from the lectures, thank you. I really should have answered you, it’s just…” he trailed off, and Dan could feel the anger leaving his body as quickly as it came.

Even though he didn’t know Phil very well, didn’t know him at all actually, there was something very unnatural in his eyes about an uncomfortable Phil. And maybe that wasn’t a fair thought, because everyone felt like that from time to time, but he just wanted the guy to smile again. 

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Is everything okay with your family?” Dan asked. He didn’t want to push, but if something was wrong and Phil wanted to talk about it, he wanted to give him the option. 

Phil looked at him, his smile coming back to his face, even though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“Yes! Its fine now, just some good old family drama, you know how it is.” He said, waving his hand a little dismissively. 

“We are all very dramatic in my family. Like for example, last year, on Christmas, my aunt got so offended by the fact that me and my brother got her dog a hoodie in the wrong size that she stormed out of the house and didn’t come back! Didn’t answer any of our calls as well. That’s how dramatic we can be.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Yes! After the holiday we had to drive to her house and stand in the cold for 15 minutes before she let us in, and she only did that because we bought her dog 3 more hoodies in the right size! Poor thing, he’s so fat he could have been a small whale. We were barely able to find something that would fit him!” 

Dan couldn’t stop his laugh at Phil’s story, making Phil’s smile grow wider and more relaxed, which was definitely a bonus. 

“That is very dramatic.” 

“Yeah, my family can be kind of crazy at times. Good thing at least I came out normal.” Phil said seriously, and Dan couldn’t keep his laugh from growing louder. Normal was definitely not the first adjective he would use to describe Phil. 

“Yeah, lucky,” he said sarcastically, earning him a gentle punch in the arm from Phil. 

“Don’t be rude!” he pouted, but Dan could see the amusement in his eyes. 

“Don’t worry, it’s endearing.” 

“It is?” 

“Yes.” 

“How so?” 

“Makes you not boring.” 

Phil looked at him for a second, before huffing and crossing his arms on his chest. 

“Who wants to be normal anyway? Normalness leads to sadness.” He said, and Dan couldn’t help but think about Oliver, only for a second. Oh so normal, regular Oliver. Maybe Phil was right. 

Dan didn’t have the chance to respond to Phil’s words though, because a moment later Phil dropped his arms and looked at his lap sheepishly again. 

“But I am sorry for not answering you. I wanted to have the chance to get to know you, maybe go do something nice together, but I messed it up.” 

Dan’s heart clenched at the sad look on Phil’s face. And really, what was wrong with him? He barely knew the guy and he already wanted to reassure him, make him feel better and happy again. 

“We could still do that,” he said, trying not to come across as too eager.

It seemed that Phil had no such concerns. 

“Really!?” his eyes shot right back to Dan’s, sparkling and excited.

“If you want.” 

“I do!” and Dan couldn’t help but chuckle, because Phil looked like an excited child in Disneyland at the prospect of going out with Dan. 

“Is tonight good for you?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” 

“Great!” 

“Great.” 

At that moment, the professor finally walked in the room, asking everyone to be quiet, and Dan thought that the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Like he waited for Dan and Phil to sort things out between them. 

Phil gave him one last smile before turning to look at the professor, still keeping the smile on his face. 

And Dan found himself, for the first time, not looking at the window to his left the entire lecture. 

Instead, he couldn’t stop himself from stealing glances to his right, where a certain blue eyed and black haired boy was siting, smiling a little to himself. 

Finally, November was looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! just wanted to say thank you for reading so far and leaving lovely comments on the last chapter. please tell me what did you think of this one, and come say hello on tumblr! (phantasticlizzy)


	3. Chapter 3

They went to a small coffee shop that evening not far from Phil’s apartment. There was a middle-aged lady at the counter that seemed to recognize Phil, smiling at him warmly and asking after his wellbeing. The place was warm and cozy and had bright wallpaper on the walls and very soft, colorful couches and armchairs to sit on, and a nice scent of vanilla and chocolate was lingering in the air.

The place was definitely screaming ‘Phil’ and Dan found that he liked it immediately. 

Phil was wearing a bright, green jumper under his puffy coat with a picture of a cat on it and the caption ‘are you kitten me?” in bold, pink writing, and upon seeing Dan he immediately explained in excitement that he finally found something in his wardrobe to match the pink hat. He wasn’t wearing his glasses today, and Dan noticed how much more colorful his eyes actually were compared to what he remembered. 

Phil ordered them both a hot chocolate with whipped cream without asking Dan’s opinion on the matter, declaring that it was the best hot chocolate in the whole world and it would be a crime if Dan wouldn’t try it at least once in his life. 

Dan didn’t care. He hated choosing what to order. Wasted way too much time in his life looking through menus and regretting his decisions once he made them. And besides, there was something absolutely charming about Phil enthusiastically ordering both of their drinks, smiling big and bright at him with his pink cheeks and ridiculous pink hat that at this point he hadn’t taken off of his head yet.

They spent a few hours in that coffee shop that evening. Dan was pleasantly surprised to find out that even though he and Phil were very different from each other, they had a lot of similar interests and practically the same taste in movies and books and TV shows. 

He found out, for example, that Phil was a big fan of horror as well, which came as a big surprise to him. 

“You just don’t look like the horror type to me,” Dan said when Phil demanded explanation for his surprised expression. 

“What does that even mean?” Phil asked, but he didn’t look offended, just a little amused and genuinely curious. 

“I don’t know! Just… you look like you get jump scared easily,” Dan said. 

Phil smirked at him then, leaning a little forward on the table. 

“Oh, I do get jump scared really easily, that’s what makes it fun though! What’s the point in horror if you don’t get scared?” 

Dan chuckled. “That actually… makes a lot of sense.” He said, sipping from his drink (which he had to admit, was the best hot chocolate he had ever drank in his life). 

Phil leaned back then, looking at him with a little mischief in his eyes. 

“We should watch some horror movie together sometimes, like something properly scary.” 

Dan hummed in agreement. 

“But I should warn you, I get really clingy when I’m scared, like an octopus,” he added, gesturing with his arms in what Dan assumed was a way to represent his clinginess, hugging the air and doing grabby hands. 

Dan felt his cheeks heat up a little at the thought of a clingy Phil glued to his side while watching a scary movie, but chuckled in response, trying not to lose his cool. 

“I think I can handle it,” he answered, trying to sound confidant and calm and not like the overeager mess that he was. 

Phil looked him up and down at that, making Dan even more nervous. 

“Brave, I like that,” he said eventually, leaning forwards again and resting his elbows on the table and his face on the palm of his hands in a way that Dan actually started to associate with him. 

“Oh do you now?” 

“Yes.” 

There was no hesitation in his answer, no teasing or sarcasm and Dan found himself, once again, dazed by Phil’s response. 

They talked about a lot on that date. Nothing too personal or deep, but a lot of rumble and questions and Dan found himself smiling and laughing more than he could remember doing in a long time. 

He found out that Phil was studying linguistics and English literature and was on his second year of uni, and when Phil asked he told him that he was a third year drama student, which Phil found very exciting. 

“Drama? That’s so cool!” he exclaimed, eyes sparkling and enthusiastic and Dan never felt more sure about his major choice in his life. 

“That’s such an interesting choice!” 

Dan didn’t want to burst Phil’s bubble. Didn’t want to explain that the reason he chose that particular major was because he needed to choose something. Needed to get out of his house and town and past and drama was something he vaguely remembered liking when he was young. 

So he didn’t. He just smiled and nodded and asked Phil another question to change the subject, which Phil gladly did. 

He also found out that Phil was 22, which came as a surprise to Dan because he just assumed that Phil was younger than him. 

“Did you take a gap year before uni?” Dan asked. 

“Two, actually,” Phil answered, and for the first time that night he looked a little reluctant to talk about something, so Dan didn’t push. 

“Oh, that’s cool,” he said, not asking any more questions on the subject, trying to make Phil relax again. Phil seemed truly grateful for that, quickly starting to talk about the last Marvel movie he saw. 

By the time they walked out of the coffee shop they were both feeling giddy and pleased by their date, Dan could tell. 

He was sneaking glances at Phil next to him, taking in the way he was wrapped up in his long scarf, the way his cheeks started getting red again in the cold and the way he was swinging his arms back and forth a little as they walked. 

And as he did that, he noticed Phil stealing glances to his side as well, both giggling at being caught in the act. 

He offered to walk Phil back to his apartment, but it seemed like they both were in no rush to go their separate ways. They were walking slowly and continued their conversation about nothing in particular. 

And Phil just kept saying all these things that Dan wasn’t expecting. All those things that made Dan mentally stop and repeat them in his mind. And he found that he liked how different Phil was, how surprising and fresh and unique his thought process was. 

At some point though, Dan started to notice that they were passing the same liquor store they passed already 15 minutes ago. And even though he was horrible at directions, he doubted that Phil’s neighborhood had two stores called “Amy’s Winehouse.” (Honestly, he was surprised his neighborhood had even one).

He stopped walking at the realization, making Phil stop as well. 

“Are you sure you know where we going?” He asked Phil, as he was supposedly leading them to his apartment building. 

“Yeah, why?” 

“I’m pretty sure we’ve passed this street at least once before.”

“Oh, yeah, I know. We actually passed it twice already.” Phil answered, and even though he tried to look unfazed, his cheeks were getting darker and darker, and Dan was pretty sure it wasn’t from the cold. 

Dan smirked at him, allowing himself to take a step closer to Phil. 

“Is there a reason why we are walking the same street for the third time tonight?” He asked, even though he was pretty sure of the answer. 

Phil looked a little shy at Dan’s words, which Dan found a little bit too endearing. 

His mouth was covered by his scarf and his eyes were staring somewhere on Dan’s chin and he took a step closer, reaching out his hand to play with the zipper of Dan’s coat. 

“I was stalling” he answered, peeking at Dan’s eyes a little. 

“Were you,” Dan teased, and noticed that his hands found their way to Phil’s waist without him even thinking about it. 

Phil nodded, and then he lifted up his face and let his colorful blue eyes stare right at Dan’s. 

“I think you’re cute,” he said determinedly, sincerely, and again, Dan found himself a little surprise by this response. 

“I wrote on the note I gave you that I wanted a chance to tell you that I think you’re cute in person, so this is me, saying that I think you’re cute, and hoping that you’ll go on a second date with me.” 

Phil said it all in one breath, and Dan couldn’t stop the giant, embarrassing smile that grew on his face. And honestly, he didn’t even try.

“I would like that,” he answered, and he couldn’t even find it in himself to tease Phil or to be subtle about how much he wanted this to be the outcome of their date. 

Phil was really close to him now, his hands moved from Dan’s zipper to his shoulders and he was grinning brightly and happily and he looked so pleased by Dan’s reaction that Dan couldn’t stop himself from wrapping his arms more securely around Phil’s waist, pulling him a little closer, looking at his inviting, pink lips. 

“I should tell you now,” Phil started saying, making Dan’s eyes shoot right back up to his. “I don’t kiss on the first date.” 

Dan was a little surprised by this sudden announcement, but didn’t let it phase him 

“As a rule?” He asked, still not drawing back, because Phil didn’t either. 

“Yes.” 

“No exceptions?” 

Phil shook his head. 

“Can I ask why?” Dan asked, because he was genuinely curious.

“You can, but it’s pretty silly.” 

“Try me.” 

“It was something I read in a magazine once when I was a teenager. Something about like, self-worth and stuff.” He started, looking at Dan’s zipper again.

“I had this... reputation at school, but I was never in any relationship. And I liked it at first, made me feel validated and appreciated, but none of those people stayed for more than… well you get the picture.” He chuckled a little awkwardly, and Dan tightened his hold on his waist. 

“So basically, that’s when I decided on the no kiss on the first date rule.” He added, letting his eyes go back to Dan’s face. “To scare away all the douchebags and creepers.” He was smiling again and Dan knew he didn’t want him to make a big deal out of it. 

“Not silly at all,” Dan settled on saying, squeezing Phil one more time and smiling at him before letting go and starting to walk again with him by his side. 

Phil was smiling brightly again and there was a small skip to his step and Dan wandered how many times Phil explained to potential suitors that he didn’t kiss on the first date and ended up with a different reaction to Dan’s.

“I do hold hands on first dates though,” Phil said suddenly, looking sideways at Dan with a cheeky smile. 

“Is that so?” Dan answered, but kept his hands to his sides. 

They walked a few more moments before Phil broke. “It was your cue to hold my hand, if you didn’t get it,” he looked adorably frustrated and Dan wanted to wind him up just a little bit more. 

“Yeah, I figured.” 

“Dan!” His voice was whiny and Dan couldn’t help but laugh, just a little.

“What? My hand is right here, you can always make the step if you want to.”

Phil huffed in annoyance. “I can’t! I already asked you out, and asked you on a second date, I have to keep some of my cool,” Phil said and it was so ridiculously cute it made Dan reach out and grab Phil’s freezing cold hand in his own immediately, squeezing tightly. 

“Can’t argue with that logic,” he teased gently, lacing their fingers and rubbing his thumb up and down on the back of Phil’s hand. 

“Your hand is really warm,” Phil said. 

“And yours are really cold, where are your mittens?” 

“Forgot them. Lucky I have my human hand heater with me tonight,” He smiled wide at Dan, and Dan smiled wide right back at him. 

“Yeah, lucky,” he said, squeezing Phil’s fingers tighter, trying to heat them even more. 

When they finally came to a stop in front of an old looking building, Phil looked reluctant to let go of Dan’s hand, and honestly so was Dan. 

“Talk to you soon?” Phil asked, facing Dan with their joined hands swinging between them. 

“Yes.” 

“When I say soon, I mean, like, tomorrow. Even today if you want. Don’t do the whole ‘wait three days to text thing’.” Phil added, and Dan stopped himself from making a comment about how he texted right after getting Phil’s number, but got no response. Because honestly it would have been tasteless and unnecessary of him to say that and Dan wasn’t even upset about it anymore. 

“I’ll text you right when I get to the dorms,” he promised. 

His answer made Phil smile even brighter and lean in to leave a kiss on Dan’s cheek before untangling their hands, giving Dan one last wave before walking away. 

Dan waited until Phil got inside the building before turning away as well and making his way back to the dorms, his cheek feeling warm in the cool night air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there we go! another chapter :)  
> how did you like this one? it was so fun to write!  
> i wanted to say thank you for all the nice comments you left on the last one, i love reading your thoughts!  
> if you don't already, you can come follow me on tumblr! you can send me prompts there if you have something specific you want me to write :) (phantasticlizzy)


	4. Chapter 4

after their first date, Dan started seeing Phil a lot more. It was a mystery to him how he haven’t noticed the guy before that day in the coffee shop. Now, it appeared like he was everywhere. 

At first it was even a little concerning, how his eyes started looking for black hair and blue eyes in every place he went to on campus. How he had the urge to smile whenever he noticed the puffy coat and red cheeks or had to fight off the little bit of disappointment he felt when he couldn’t spot them in the room. 

But, he figured, there was nothing wrong with being a little smitten. To be honest, he felt a little relived.

It’s been a long time since he felt that interested, that invested in someone. And when he really thought about it, he wasn’t sure he ever really was. 

He never felt that with any of the people he dated since starting uni. Never felt really interested and willing to work to build a connection with anyone.

And what he and Oliver had… was different. He hated thinking about it like that, but it was true. They met as kids, grew up together. Everything that happened between them was a natural progression to their closeness and friendship. There weren’t really butterflies in Dan’s stomach when they first kissed, because it simply felt like the next step. There wasn’t any pining or nerves, because they both knew exactly where they stood. 

But suddenly, Dan found himself out of his depth. Suddenly, the smallest things made his whole body heat up, made his insides feel like they were free falling into nothing. 

When he came back from his date he couldn’t stop thinking about Phil’s cold hand in his. Couldn’t stop thinking about his slender fingers and how they fitted between his own so nicely. 

And it was weird for him, a little upsetting even. Because they were just hands. Just flesh touching flesh. Nothing he hasn’t done a million times before. Why all of a sudden it made his heart squirm in his rib cage? Made him smile so wide Ezra looked at him like he’s gone mad when he entered their room? 

It was all new and exciting and Dan had to constantly remind himself that they only just met, only went on their first date and frankly Dan didn’t know enough about Phil to like him this much. 

 

But he made good on his promise, texting Phil immediately as he came back to the dorms, smiling a little too widely when the other took no longer than 30 seconds to respond. 

And the thing was, Dan found it hard to try and act indifferent when Phil showed him with every gesture how interested he was in him. And it was so refreshing, so intoxicating, and Dan didn’t really want it to stop. 

So for once, he let himself do as he wanted. Let himself not overthink his every step, not dwell on every message and not to doom the relationship in his head before it even started. 

They texted constantly. From the moment they woke up till way pass the time Ezra would roll in his bed to tell Dan to ‘shut the damn phone up, please’.

They saw each other on campus as well from time to time, walking each other to classes and exchanging small talk (with Phil, even the small talk was highly entertaining and unusual). 

But it wasn’t until the fourth week of November that they actually had their second date. 

Dan was walking from his ‘contemporary British cinema’ class to his ‘contemporary European theatres’ class when he felt a solid body collide with his back with force, knocking the air out of his lungs.

It wasn’t too long until he came back to his senses, feeling two lanky arms wrapping around his middle from behind, and a head nuzzling against his shoulder. 

“I can feel your warmth even thorough the coat, not fair,” he heard Phil’s whiny voice saying, tightening his hold on Dan for a few seconds before letting go and coming to stand in front of him, smiling brightly. 

“Hello!” he said, waving his mitten covered hand a few times in front of Dan’s face. He was wearing his coat and long scarf again, but instead of the pink hat he had a weird, knitted headband on his head. 

“Hello yourself,” Dan said, not even fighting the smile that creeped onto his lips. 

“Ah! Dimple!” Phil exclaimed loudly, like he had done at least 3 more times in the past week, reaching out and poking Dan’s cheek with his thumb. 

At this point, Dan wasn’t even surprised by the sudden motion, letting Phil do as he pleased. 

Phil let his hand slowly slip from Dan’s cheek to his collar and then to the zipper of his coat, playing with it between his fingers, making something in Dan’s chest feel funny. 

“What is that on your head?” Dan asked, reaching to touch the headband with his fingers. 

“Oh! That!” Phil exclaimed, moving his own hands to his head as well, touching the fabric. 

“My brother’s girlfriend wanted her hat back for today, so she gave me her ear warmer. Do you like it?” 

Dan gave Phil a considerate look, taking in the way his hair was poking awkwardly from underneath the weird piece of headwear. It was a pale shade of blue, and made Phil’s eyes look even bluer and his hair even blacker in comparison. 

“Yes, I like it.” He said eventually, earning a toothy grin from Phil. 

“Really?” 

“Yes.”

“Not too weird?” 

“The perfect amount of weird in my opinion”

Phil giggled, reaching out to poke Dan’s cheek one more time before letting his hands drop.  
“You know what’s funny? I actually miss the pink of the hat a little, made me feel brighter.” Phil said with a pout, taking Dan’s hand in his own and resuming their walking. 

Dan chuckled, squeezing Phil’s hand. “Oh trust me, you don’t need the hat for that. You’re as bright as it gets.” 

Phil knocked his shoulder into Dan’s gently, squeezing his hand back. 

“I don’t know if you’re complementing me or being rude.” 

“I’m definitely being rude.” 

Phil giggled again, and Dan felt warmth spread through his entire body, starting from their linked hands. 

“Are you busy later?” Phil asked suddenly, sneaking a glance in Dan’s direction from the corner of his eye. 

“I have classes until 4. But after that I’m free,” he answered, not even taking a minute to try and hide his eagerness. 

“Great! Do you want to come to mine then? We can watch a horror movie like we talked about, and I’ll make you dinner. I’m an amazing cook.” 

“Well I can’t really say no to food so….” He said, knocking his shoulder with Phil’s again. 

“Is that your way of saying yes?” 

“Yes.” 

“Great!” Phil exclaimed again, a little too loudly. 

He squeezed Dan’s hand one last time before pulling away. 

“I actually have to go take care of some things now. So I’ll see you later?” Phil asked, and Dan missed the feeling of his hand in his own already. 

“Oh, yeah, sure. But don’t you have more classes today?” He asked. It was still kind of early, and Dan was pretty sure Phil’s classes weren’t done for the day. 

“I do, but nothing I can’t catch up on by myself.” Phil said with a cheeky smile. 

Dan didn’t want to pry, so he didn’t ask what it was Phil needed to do. By this point he already figured out Phil had topics he didn’t want to discuss with him. Things he’d yet to tell Dan about. And that was okay with him, he himself had things he didn’t want to bring up just yet. Things he felt it was too early for him to share. 

Instead, Dan reached out and pulled Phil’s headband over his eyes, catching him by surprise and leaning in to leave a kiss on his pink, cold cheek. 

“See you later,” he said before turning around, not waiting for Phil’s reaction and walking away to his class, feeling pleased with himself. 

****************************************

He bought Phil flowers. A bouquet of roses no less. 

He felt a little silly about it now, walking the streets with a bouquet of red roses in his hands, earning a few curious looks and giggles from a group of girls that passed him on his way. 

But still, he wanted to bring something. It dawned on him earlier that day that Phil was the one to initiate everything between them. 

 

He was the one to talk to Dan in the first place that day in the coffee shop, the one to invite him on a second date and the one to offer to cook him dinner today. So he wanted to do something to show his appreciation, to do something from his side as well. 

And Phil looked like the kind of guy who would like to get flowers on a date. 

And it was all so new to Dan, so out of his comfort zone, but he really wanted to make the effort. 

He and Oliver never bought each other flowers. It never came to his mind to do something like that. 

In general, they didn’t make a lot of romantic gestures towards each other. 

It’s not that Dan didn’t like the idea of romantic gestures, and he didn’t think Oliver was against them either, they just never thought about it too much. 

If Dan was honest, things between them never felt really conventionally romantic. They loved each other, he was sure of that, and felt absolutely comfortable in each other’s company. But Dan never had the urge to so this. To buy flowers and make an effort to show his affection. 

But he was trying to go with his guts this time, trying not to over think things. So here he was, walking to Phil’s apartment, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands and feeling embarrassed by the giggles of random girls on the street.

He walked fast, trying to get to Phil’s place as soon as he could. But when he got there and knocked on the door, it all became a million times worse when instead of Phil there was another guy opening the door for him, looking at him intently. 

He had short blond hair and small, piercing blue eyes. He was a little shorter than Dan, but had a confidant aura around him that made him look taller. He was wearing a loose T- shirt and a weird looking colourful trousers (or maybe it was a skirt? Dan wasn’t sure). 

“You’re Dan, right?” The guy asked, still standing at the door frame, looking Dan up and down. 

Dan nodded, feeling a little uncomfortable with the entire situation. 

“I’m Martyn, Phil’s brother. Nice to meet you mate,” he greeted, reaching out his arm to shake.

Now that he said that, Dan could see the resemblance. It wasn’t very clear, but there was something in the shape of his lips, in the way they curved, that looked really similar to Phil's. 

Dan had an awkward moment where he forgot about the flowers in his hand and reached them out towards Martyn instead of his other hand, feeling mortified when he realized what he was doing. 

Martyn smirked with mischief, taking the flowers from Dan’s hand. 

“For me? You shouldn’t have.” He said, gesturing for Dan to walk in the apartment before he had the chance to say anything. 

Dan could feel his cheeks heating up and he was sure his face was as red as it gets. He was pretty certain Martyn was just pulling his leg, but he couldn’t be sure. This was a man that grew up in the same house as Phil for his entire life, Dan couldn’t be sure of anything. 

They walked inside, Dan trailing after Martyn reluctantly, still not saying a word and feeling increasingly more awkward about the whole situation. 

The apartment wasn’t really big, but a lot bigger than any of his uni friends could afford. Was Phil still living with his parents? Was he living with his brother? Dan only just realised he never actually asked. 

They passed a cosy looking lounge with an alarming amount of house plants before walking into the kitchen.

“Do you want to drink anything? We have nothing but instant coffee and Ribena.” Martyn said, turning to look at Dan. 

“Ribena is fine,” he said. 

“Good, good, my kind of lad,” Martyn said smiling, taking a vase from the shelf and filling it with water, putting the flowers in it. 

“You can go wait in the lounge, I’ll be right there.” Martyn said, taking two glasses and turning to give Dan a reassuring smile.

“Umm… is Phil here?” Dan asked finally. 

Martyn shot him a surprised look. 

“Oh! He didn’t tell you? He’s going to be a bit late, I’ve been ordered to keep you company until he returns.” 

“Oh, okay,” he shuffled a little from side to side, “so um, I’ll go wait there?” he asked, not really waiting for an answer before walking out from the kitchen and back to the lounge, trying to calm himself down. 

Apart from Oliver’s family, Dan never got to meet a family member of any of the people he dated, and wasn’t sure what the protocol was. But Phil’s brother was young and looked nice, so Dan tried not to think about it too much. 

He sat down on the couch, letting his eyes scan quickly over the walls and shelfs before Martyn came back. The place definitely looked more like a family home then a uni student apartment. 

“There you go,” Martyn said when he walked in the room, handing Dan his glass. 

“Thanks.” 

Martyn sat on an armchair in front of him, crossing his legs and looking at Dan intently while sipping from his own glass. 

“So,” Martyn began, looking a little amused by the way Dan straightened up at the sound of his voice, “Tell me a little about yourself.” 

Dan chuckled a little awkwardly. “There’s… there’s not much to tell.” 

Martyn made a dismissive gesture with his hand, “nonsense, of course there is.” 

Dan figured he might as well play along, after all, he did want to make a good impression. 

“Well, I’m in my third year-“he started saying, only to be interrupted by Martyn. 

“Do you have any pets?” he asked. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Pets. Dogs, cats, hamsters. Living creatures you have to feed and take care of.” 

“I-I know what pets are.” 

“Oh, great then! Do you have any?” Martyn asked again, putting his now empty glass on the coffee table in front of him, leaning forward on his elbows and blinking at Dan. 

“My parents have a dog, but I don’t live with them.” He answered, deciding to just go with it. 

It was his own fault for being surprised. What else did he expect from Phil’s brother?

“Do you want pets of your own in the future?” Martyn kept asking. 

Dan gave the question a think for a moment before answering. “I think so. I’m very much a dog person.” 

“And how would you feel about a house rabbit?” 

“A house rabbit?” 

“Yes.” 

“I… never met one?” 

Martyn hummed a little in acknowledgment and leaned back in his sit, and Dan had a weird feeling like he failed some kind of a test. 

“I’m not against them though. Rabbits are cute, definitely open to the option of a house rabbit.” He quickly added. He had no idea what was going on in this conversation, but he was determined to try his best.

Martyn gave him a toothy smile at that, making Dan’s body relax a little. 

“Good!” 

There was a silence between them after that for a moment, and Dan took the opportunity to sip again from his still full glass. 

“So, Dan. Do you love my brother?” 

Dan felt himself choke on the liquid that was still in his mouth, making an undignified coughing sound. 

Martyn look highly amused, and Dan started to wonder if it was all a joke. 

“I, we only went on one date?” he tried saying, feeling his cheeks heat up. 

“So? I knew from the moment I saw my girlfriend that she was it.” Martyn dismissed his words. 

Dan took a deep breath, trying to think of a better answer. “I think it’s too early for that, but I do like him very much,” he said, trying to keep his composure. 

Was everyone in this family a little bit mad? 

Martyn nodded at him with approval, “You should, he’s a good guy.” 

“I think so too.” 

“He deserves to be treated well. But sadly, he didn’t always get what he deserved. Are you going to treat him well Dan?” Martyn leaned forward on his elbows again, giving Dan a piercing look. 

That, Dan knew how to handle. Overprotective brother was something he could understand, knew how to respond to. 

“that's my plan.” He said, feeling confident about his answer this time. 

“Great!” Martyn exclaimed with a cheerful voice, smiling brightly and leaning back again. 

“Now that that’s out of the way, do you have any questions for me? Might as well get to know me while we’re here.” He said with a cheeky grin. 

Dan felt himself lightening up, chuckling at Martyn’s words. 

“How do you feel about house rabbits?” he asked, smirking at Martyn a little. 

Martyn let out a high pitched laugh that was so similar to Phil’s Dan felt confused for a second. 

“Nasty little creatures. Phil had one growing up, it used to hop around the house acting like it’s a bloody dog or something.” 

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. 

“What a pest.” 

“Exactly!” Martyn huffed. “But, Phil was very attached to it, so I guess it was alright.” 

Dan hummed in agreement. 

“He was heartbroken when we moved out of our hometown and moved in here. We had to give the rabbit to our neighbors, he cried for days. But it wouldn’t have been happy here, in the city, he got that eventually.” 

“Oh? How long have you been living here?” Dan asked. He didn’t want to pry, not when Phil wasn’t with him at least, but he was curious. 

“8 years I think? Something like that. We moved here after our mum died, dad couldn’t handle living in our old house. All the memories, you know?” 

Dan was taken aback by the answer, feeling a little bit sick. He felt like he crossed a line, like it was something Phil should have told him when he was ready, and not his brother, the first time they’ve met.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” he said politely. 

“What didn’t you know?” a voice asked. Except, to his surprise, it wasn’t Martyn’s. Dan’s head shot to the lounge entrance, seeing Phil standing there, holding a grocery bag. 

“About mum,” Martyn answered, making Dan’s eyes go wide, shooting him a distressed look, and then looking back at Phil, waiting for his reaction.

“Martyn,” Phil whined, stomping his foot a little. “Why are you making it all heavy and depressing before our date even started?!” 

Martyn chuckled, lifting his hands up in surrender. “Sorry little bro, wasn’t intentional.” 

Dan felt his body physically deflate at Phil’s words, letting himself smile at the exchange. 

Phil’s eyes moved from Martyn to him then, smiling widely.

“Hello again! Sorry I’m late, got a little caught up and then remembered I don’t actually have anything to cook with.” He said, lifting up the hand that was carrying the bag to emphasize his words. 

“That’s okay,” Dan smiled back. 

Martyn cleared his throat, making both Dan and Phil look back at him. 

“Well, I’ll leave you two to it then. I’ll be at Cornelia’s if you need me.” He said, getting up from his sit and walking over to Phil, ruffling his hair. Dan could hear Phil whispering a quiet ‘Thank you’ to Martyn before he left the room, looking after him with a fond smile and smoothing his hair with his unoccupied hand. 

“Sorry I left you alone with him, I thought I’ll be back sooner,” Phil said once they were alone and his eyes were back on Dan. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Dan reassured again, getting up from his sit as well and walking over to Phil, taking the grocery bag out of his hand, earning himself another smile, warmer and gentler than before. 

“Thanks,” Phil said softly, making something in Dan’s stomach tighten before they started to walk to the kitchen, Phil leading them with Dan trailing behind him. 

 

“I thought I’d make some pasta, I make a really good cream s-“ Phil stopped walking suddenly, letting his words trail off. 

Dan stopped as well, looking at the back of Phil’s head. “Phil?” he asked, after Phil stayed still for at least 20 seconds. 

His voice made Phil jump a little, before turning around and looking at him with an unreadable expression. 

“Did you bring me flowers?” he asked, looking at Dan with wide blue eyes. Behind Phil’s shoulder Dan could still see the vase with roses standing on the counter. 

“Yes.” He answered. 

Dan couldn’t understand why Phil was looking at him like that, but before he had the chance to ask there were two hands cupping his cheeks and lips pressing against his own. 

It didn’t last very long. The kiss was sweet and Phil’s lips were so soft against his but before he could react in any way Phil was pulling away and wrapping himself around Dan’s middle, burying his face in Dan’s chest. 

Dan lifted his arms and wrapped them around Phil’s shoulders, holding him close and tight, still holding the bag awkwardly with one hand. 

“No one has ever brought me flowers before,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s shirt, rubbing his nose against the fabric. 

Dan felt his chest swell and his lips curve in a smile and he just wanted to kiss Phil all over because there was something so incredibly cute about Phil being so touched by a bouquet of roses. 

“Well, I’m honored to be the first.” Dan said, because he didn’t know what else to say. If he knew Phil would react this way he would have gotten him a bigger bouquet. Would have filled his entire house with flowers. 

Phil clung to him tighter, giggling a little and to Dan’s surprise the sound was a little watery. 

Dan let himself squeeze Phil harder in response, let himself rub Phil’s back a little for a few seconds, trying to calm him down, even though he wasn’t quite sure what was going on. 

“So, you said something about pasta right?” Dan said eventually, trying to get back to the lighthearted mood they had earlier. 

Phil giggled again, pulling back from Dan after one last squeeze of gratitude. 

“Yeah, come on. I don’t let people help me when I cook but since you’ve been extra good today I’ll let you chop the mushrooms.” 

“Lucky me,” Dan answered, but he was smiling and Phil giggled again and the tip of his tongue was poking out of the side of his mouth, and for the first time in a while, Dan actually felt that he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again my friends!  
> sorry for the long wait, if you follow me on tumblr you probably know i had a few family things i had to deal with, but i'm back! i hope you liked this ridiculously long chapter :)  
> thank you so much for all your comments on the last one, i love love love getting them and reading what you think!  
> please let me know if you liked this chapter, and come say hello on tumblr! (phantasticlizzy)


	5. Chapter 5

Phil wasn’t kidding when he said he didn’t let people help him when he cooked. 

He let Dan chop exactly 3 mushrooms before snatching the knife out of his hand and instructing him to go sit down at the table while he does the rest of it. 

Dan didn’t really mind though. There was something mesmerizing about watching Phil move in the kitchen, opening cupboards and mixing ingredients. He was humming some cheery tune and moving his hips from side to side and shooting Dan a toothy smile once every few minutes, so really, Dan couldn’t complain. 

And Phil was definitely a good cook. 

They set down to eat about half an hour later, each with a plate full of food and a glass of wine in front of them.

“I don’t really like wine,” Phil admitted, as he sipped from his glass. 

“Then why do you drink it?” 

“Makes me feel mature? I think. There’s just something romantic about making your date dinner and then drinking wine, right?” he put his glass down and leaned forward, looking at Dan intently. 

“I guess there is,” Dan answered, and he took another sip from his own glass. Truthfully, he wasn’t a big fan of wine as well. But Phil was right, he also liked the idea of it. The feeling of being on an adult, romantic date. He never really had that, and now that he thought about it, maybe Phil didn’t have that either. 

“So, what do you think?” Phil asked, still looking at him closely from the other side of the table. 

“About the wine?” 

“No, silly. About my cooking of course. Have I impressed you with my ability to feed you?”

Dan let out a laugh that was a bit too loud in the otherwise quiet room. Maybe the wine was getting to him already.

“Yes, I’m very impressed.” 

Phil perked up immediately at that, smiling widely. 

“Really, not too salty?” 

“Not at all.” 

“Too plain?” 

“Absolutely perfect.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” 

“Well, I’m glad then.” Phil was smiling so wide and his tongue was peeking out of the side of his mouth and Dan was feeling warm all over, and he had a suspicion that it wasn’t entirely because of the wine. 

After dinner, Phil let Dan wash the dishes while he was standing next to him and talking about different topics. 

Dan listened carefully, adding comments from time to time, but mostly he let Phil lead the conversation. 

It was pretty clear to him by now that Phil didn’t like silence, maybe even felt uncomfortable with it. 

Dan was used to silence, liked it from time to time. He and Oliver used to spend most of their time in silence, being and feeling but not really talking. 

But he liked listening to Phil talk. Liked hearing the never ending stream of words coming out of his mouth, liked trying to understand his thought proses. And maybe, Phil felt a bit nervous as well. Maybe he needed more time in Dan’s presence to feel comfortable with silence, and that was fine with him as well. 

As promised, they put on a scary movie in the lounge after Dan was done washing up. Phil picked some Korean movie Dan had never heard about before that apparently got some great reviews, and they settled next to each other on the couch to watch it. 

And Dan found out Phil was definitely serious about being clingy while watching a scary movie.

They started the movie sitting quiet close to each other. Close enough that Dan could feel Phil’s knee touching his own and their arms brushing from time to time. 

After about 20 minutes, Dan’s hand was in Phil’s lap and Phil was clutching it tightly, making Dan’s hand go a little bit numb from the lack of blood flow. 

By the middle of the movie Phil’s entire body was engulfing Dan’s. His legs were up on the couch and folded on Dan’s lap, his arms were wrapped around Dan’s middle tightly and his face was buried in Dan’s neck, peeking at the screen only to hide again a second later. 

Dan was holding him close. His arms were wrapped around Phil’s body, one arm holding his legs so they wouldn’t fall and the other around his shoulder, drawing patterns on his upper arm to try and calm him down. 

And Dan was pink all over. He didn’t know if it was from the wine or from Phil being pressed so close to him, yelping and clinging and trying to push himself more and more into Dan’s body, but he could feel warmth radiating from every part of his body. Especially from the parts touching Phil.

He couldn’t really concentrate on the movie. Couldn’t really concentrate on anything other than the feeling of Phil’s breath on his neck and the feeling of his arms around his stomach and the small jumps he made that made him bury himself even more in Dan’s body. 

By the end of the movie Phil was sitting more in his lap than on the couch and his eyes were shut tightly, hands clutching the front of Dan’s shirt. 

“Is it over? Is it over?” he mumbled again and again against Dan’s chest, making him chuckle a little. 

“Yeah, you can look.”

Phil opened his eyes slowly, blinking up at Dan but not moving away. He wasn’t wearing his glasses today again, and Dan couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how blue his eyes looked at that moment. He felt like a walking cliché. 

“I thought you said you liked horror films,” he said. 

“I do!” 

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I just get very into it, stop bullying me,” Phil whined, burying his face in Dan’s neck again. 

Dan tightened his hold on Phil’s body, moving one hand to his hair, playing with it gently. He hoped it was okay. Hope he wasn’t crossing a line. But by the way Phil practically melted against him, he figured it was okay. 

To his surprise, the motion made him think of Oliver. 

Phil’s hair was so different between his fingers to Oliver’s. Oliver’s hair was thicker, curly, a little less soft. It was a nice hair. A really nice hair. Just… different. 

He hated that his mind forced him to think about it at moments like this. Hated that this thoughts suddenly attacked him from seemingly nowhere, with no warning whatsoever. Hated that he couldn’t just forget about it for one night. 

Most of all, he hated that he wished to forget. Hated to feel like he was betraying the trust of a man who wasn’t even there anymore. 

But then Phil was pulling away from his neck once again, looking up at him with his round eyes, and it all became just a little bit easier to ignore. 

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, and he looked a little worried. And Dan didn’t like that look on him, not at all. 

“Just about how cute you are,” he said, because he wanted to make the crease between Phil’s eyebrows disappear. But also, because it was partly true. 

Phil’s cheeks flushed pink and his lips twitched with a small smile. 

“You think I’m cute?” he asked, looking at Dan with a glint in his eyes. 

“Very.” 

Phil moved then, straightening up and moving his legs so they would straddle Dan’s thighs. Dan tried to stay calm, tried not to show how much Phil’s movement had surprised him, affected him. He let his arms settle safely on Phil’s waist, still looking at his face. 

“Am I cuter than kittens?” he asked, arms moving to the back of Dan’s head, playing with the short hairs there. 

“Yes,” he answered with confidence. 

“Am I… cuter than puppies?” 

“Yes.” 

“Am I cuter than James from our Greek mythology class?” 

“Who is that?” 

“Tall guy, blond hair, sits in the front row.” 

“Oh, definitely.”

Phil looked at him intently. 

“Do you really find me cute?” He asked again, a little quieter this time. 

“I find you the cutest,” he said, and wasn’t even surprised when it came out sounding a bit more sincere than he intended it to be. 

Phil beamed at him then, leaning down slowly to connect their lips for the second time that night.

This kiss was a little longer than the first one, but Phil kept it soft and gentle. And Dan didn’t try to push for more. The feeling of Phil’s lips touching his like that was quickly becoming one of his favorite things. He loved the feeling of Phil’s hands tangled in the hair on the back of his head. Loved moving his own hands up and down Phil’s sides slowly, feeling the curved of his body. 

When Phil pulled away Dan felt a bit dizzy and he had this floaty feeling in his chest and stomach. Phil smiled at him wide before collapsing on his lap, letting his entire body weight be supported by Dan, resting his head on his shoulder. 

Dan circled Phil’s middle, letting his hands lazily move up and down his back. 

“You’re so nice to me and I’m really not used to it,” Phil said, his voice muffled by Dan’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he answered. 

“About what?” Phil sounded surprised, a little bit worried even. 

“People not being nice to you.” 

Phil chuckled, straightening up again on Dan’s lap to look at him with a soft smile.

“Do you want to move to my room?” Phil asked, and then a second later seemed to regret his words, making a face and then covering it with his hands. 

“It sounded wrong! I didn’t mean it like that! Just wanted to show you my room. Maybe cuddle a bit. Ah! I’m sorry! Martyn always tells me I should think before I speak but I don’t always manage to do that.” 

Dan let out a laugh, the sound so fond and warm and happy and he just wanted to squeeze the man in his lap tightly and never let go. 

He reached out to pull Phil’s hands from his face, revealing a pinked cheeked, embarrassed man-child and smirking at him. 

“Show the way,” he said, letting go of his hands and letting Phil climb off of him. 

Phil obliged, getting up and reaching to pull Dan up from his sitting position, leading him by the hand from the lounge to his room. 

Phil’s room was everything Dan expected from a room of a guy who didn’t leave his parents’ home yet to be. 

 

It was quite messy, which didn’t seem to bother Phil all that much. There were shelf’s filled with books and comics and little figurines. The bed was covered with an irrational amount of stuffed animals, and clothes were lying on every surface available. 

There were a lot of pictures as well. One of a young group of people that must have been Phil’s childhood friends, another one of Phil with still light, long hair and Martyn standing with their arms wrapped around each other, and a few of a nice looking woman with a kind smile and blue eyes. 

“Do you like it?” Phil asked after letting Dan take in his surroundings for a few moments. 

“It’s very you,” Dan said. 

“So, does it mean that you like it then?” Phil asked, and he grinned cheekily at Dan, making him smile. 

“Definitely.” 

Phil giggled, moving away from Dan and flopping down on his bed, patting the space next to him, asking Dan to join. 

Dan sat on the bed as well, near Phil’s head, leaning against the headboard. On the night stand there was another framed picture of the same woman, this time with two blond, smiley kids clutching her two hands. 

Dan picked it up, looking at the happy, kind looking mother with a smile. 

“Can I ask about it?” Dan said, looking down to where Phil was lying next to him. 

Phil looked up at him, noticing the picture Dan was holding. 

“You can, but it’s going to be a very unexciting story.” 

“Tell me anyway.” 

Phil sat up a bit then, taking the frame from Dan’s hands and looking at the young faces smiling back at him. 

“It was the usual, you know? Cancer, nothing too interesting.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. It was a really long time ago, and by then I was already quite used to it.”

“What do you mean?” 

Phil leaned over Dan’s body to put the frame back in its place, leaning back and looking at Dan with a weird expression. 

“My family is cursed.” He said seriously, genuinely, and Dan blinked at him a few times, not sure how to respond. But before he had the chance, Phil giggled, shoving Dan’s shoulder gently. 

“Not literally! Although we might be, I’m not sure.” 

Again, Dan didn’t know how to answer, so he just smiled reassuringly at Phil, gesturing him to keep talking. 

“We just have really bad luck, when it comes to.... well… dying.” 

“What does that mean?” Dan asked, and he could feel something heavy settling in his guts. 

“We just always die young, just like that. By the time my mum died I was already quite used to it. I mean, it was hard, we were very close, but it wasn’t very surprising. I was already used to taking care of sick people and watching them die I guess.” 

 

Phil was talking about it so dismissively, so lightheartedly, and Dan was feeling a little bit sick. It must have been written all over his face, because the next thing he knew Phil was taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. 

“I know it sounds heartless, but it’s just the way it was. First my grandparents, then most of my aunts and uncles, then my mum. Trust me, I cried plenty of tears, still do sometimes, but there’s no way to change that.” he was rubbing Dan’s palm with his thumb and once again Dan found himself taken aback by the straightforwardness of Phil’s words. 

“That… must have been really hard, I’m sorry,” he said, because really, what could he say? Nothing felt right. He knew from experience, nothing was right. 

“Yeah, it was. My dad was a complete mess. I never knew anyone who loved someone as much as my dad loved my mum. You know what he said to us when she died? “ 

“What?” 

“He said, ‘I wish it was one of you who died instead of her, so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain.’” 

The rock in Dan’s guts became bigger, heavier. “That’s… a horrible thing to say.” 

“I know right? I was very mad about it at the time. Can you imagine saying something like that to your children?” 

“I… can’t.” 

Phil let out a big sigh, leaning his head down on Dan’s shoulder. 

“Neither can I. I can’t imagine loving someone so much, that I’d rather my own children would die instead of them.” 

 

Dan wanted to cry. He let his arm wrap around Phil’s shoulder, holding him close. 

“I don’t think it’s a good kind of love,” Dan said, and to his relief his voice was still steady, clear. 

“Maybe not.” 

They were silent for a few seconds, Phil getting comfortable on Dan’s shoulder before Dan spoke again. 

“Where is your dad now?” 

“Oh, he doesn’t live with us anymore. He lives in Florida.” 

“Florida US?” 

“Yeah. He has this friend who moved to Florida 10 years ago. They stayed in touch and he always used to send him pictures and emails about how much fun he was having in Florida, and my dad always said to us ‘one day I’ll move.’ And then, one day he did.” 

“Oh, that’s… good for him I guess?” 

“Yeah, it is. He left the apartment for Martyn, but we still live here together, as you can see. Martyn always felt kind of protective of me, being the big responsible brother he is.” Phil giggled, and Dan squeezed his shoulders. 

“We still get a phone call from time to time, but it was mostly just me and Martyn for the last couple of years. And Martyn’s girlfriend Cornelia, she’s practically family by now.” 

Phil lifted his head up then, looking at Dan with his big eyes. “Did i bore you to death? I’m sorry, I warned you though.” 

And Dan couldn’t take it anymore, could feel all the emotion bubbling up in his stomach. Could feel Phil’s loss and pain mixed with his own and everything was a bit too much. So he did the only thing he could think about in that moment to ground himself, leaning down and rubbing his nose against Phil’s before connecting their lips gently. 

Phil kissed back immediately, eagerly, cupping Dan’s cheek and pulling him a bit closer, letting his lips glide against Dan’s for a few moments. 

When they pulled away, Phil didn’t let go of Dan’s cheek, so Dan rested his forehead against Phil’s, moving his own hand to cup Phil’s face as well. 

“Is talking about death gets you in the mood?” Phil asked cheekily, smirking at him a bit, and it was clear he was trying to lighten up the mood, and Dan just really really wanted to kiss him again. 

He didn’t though. He leaned back and let out a loud laugh, letting the tension seep out of his body with the sound. 

“I have many kinks, but fortunately for you dead relatives is not one of them.” 

“Well, that’s actually too bad, because I have many of those.” 

“Phil.”

“Sorry, sorry. Just trying to make you relax a bit.” 

Dan shook his head. God, he was so fond of this guy. “I know.” 

“Is it working?” 

“It does.” 

“Good.” He smiled brightly then, and Dan could do nothing but smile just as brightly back at him. 

They stayed in Phil’s bed for a few more hours, talking and kissing and laughing until Phil started dozing off in Dan’s arms and Dan finally declared it was time for him to leave. 

Phil whined, clinging to Dan’s body more, trying to prevent him from getting up. But eventually, they both got up, and Phil walked Dan to the door, looking sleepy and pouty and just way too adorable for Dan to handle. 

Dan put his coat on, but Phil took a hold of his zipper, zipping it up for him, letting his hands linger when he got to the top, his eyes fixated on Dan’s chest. 

“Did I scare you away?” he asked quietly, glancing up at Dan’s face.

Dan could feel his chest tightening. He leaned in to kiss Phil’s forehead, and then his cheeks and finally pecking his lips, looking at him with a smile. 

“The opposite.” 

Phil beamed at him, letting go of his zipper and opening the door for him. 

“Will you text me when you get to the dorms?” 

“I will.” 

“Good.” 

“Good.” 

“You should leave now before I force you to stay.” 

Dan didn’t think it was a bad idea at all. But he felt like they took some big steps that day, and he didn’t want to ruin that. So he left, waving Phil goodbye and stepping out into the night’s cold, his lips still tingling and his chest still a little bit tight but his body warm all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading guys! sorry for the wait, i was sick and couldn't really write for a while :')  
> let me know what you think of this chapter please! your comments always make my day :3 <333  
> and come say hello on tumblr! (phantasticlizzy)


	6. Chapter 6

The first two weeks of December went by quickly and quite uneventfully for Dan. 

The cold weather was becoming more permanent, days shorter and shorter and more often than not Dan was walking back from his classes to his dorms in complete darkness. 

A few times they even got a rainy, wet snow dropping from the sky for a few hours before melting into dirty puddles on the side of the road. 

Every time though, without fail, Phil would call him on the phone and excitedly exclaimed that it was snowing outside, urging Dan to get out of the comfort of his bed and go soak in the “white miracle.” 

“That’s not a miracle Phil. That’s not even snow. That’s basically god throwing a lot of diluted bird poop on us from the sky,” he said once, when Phil called in the ungodly hour of 7:30 on a Sunday morning. 

But even through the grumpiness of being so unnecessarily woken up, Dan couldn’t stop the small, sleepy chuckle that left his lips in response to Phil’s dramatic gasp. 

“That’s very mean Dan! Snow is snow even if it doesn’t stick, or if it’s a bit watery, don’t discriminate!” his voice was pouty and exasperated and Dan could hear the sound of the cars and wind from Phil’s end of the line. 

“Are you outside?” Dan asked, probably a bit too loudly in the quiet of his room because Ezra let out a frustrated ‘humph’ and turned to the other side on his bed. 

“Yes! Obviously, it’s snowing!” 

They’ve been through this every time, but Dan just couldn’t get Phil’s need to subject himself to the cold, wet weather when he couldn’t even make an actual snowballs from the so called “snow”. So at some point he let it go, adding it to the list of quirks he had going on in his mind regarding Phil. 

Besides, it was too early to argue about that. So instead he just asked, “Are you wearing warm clothes?” because Phil was constantly cold but when it was actually cold outside he turned into full on ice man. 

“Yes.” He answered, and Dan could hear the smile in his voice. “Coat and scarf and Cornelia’s hat and everything.” 

“Mittens?” he asked, turning the other way so that his voice would be muffled by the pillow and hopefully disturb Ezra (who was letting out a stream of huffs every time Dan said a word) a little less. 

But Phil said nothing to that, humming a little. 

“Did you forget again?” 

“Maybe.” 

“You’re going to get a cold.” 

“Am not.” 

“Just don’t touch the snow please, you’ll have hypothermia and then the doctors will have to chop off your hands.” Honestly, Dan started to think that Phil’s strangeness was rubbing off on him. 

“Aha! So you’re admitting its snow then?” 

Dan let out a sigh. 

“Phil.” 

“Yeah?” 

“It’s 7:30 AM.” 

“Yeah?” 

“On a Sunday.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

Phil was silent for a few moments. 

“Are you mad that I woke you up?” He asked, and sounded a bit unsure of himself all of a sudden.

“No I’m not mad, just tired,” he tried to say as reassuringly as he could.

“Okay.” 

“I’m really not.” 

“Okay. But you should get some more sleep now, I don’t want to hang out with grumpy Dan later.” 

Dan chuckled. “Yeah, I think you’re right about that.” 

“I’ll hang up now.” 

“Don’t stay outside for too long.” 

“I won’t.” 

“Seriously.” 

“I won’t!” 

“Okay.” 

“I’m hanging up.” 

“Okay.” 

“Sleep well.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Bye bye.” 

“Bye.” 

“Don’t sleep for too long though.” 

“Phil.”

“Sorry. Bye.” 

When Phil finally hung up, Dan wasn’t even taken by surprise by the warm, overpowering feeling that was spreading in his abdomen anymore, burying his face in the pillow and smiling to himself. God he was so gone. 

“If I’m not allowed to play music in the room at night then you’re not allowed to talk to people on the Phone when I’m sleeping.” Ezra grumbled at him from his side of the room.

“Are you seriously compering the two things?” Dan asked, and he wasn’t even annoyed, just highly amused by that statement. 

“Well, one disturbs your sleep and one disturbs mine, so yes,” he answered, and really Dan couldn’t argue with that logic. 

But he didn’t answer, because Ezra was already snoring softly again in his bed and quite frankly Dan wasn’t sure he could make that kind of promise. 

**********************

The first time Phil came to visit Dan in his dorm room was on a Thursday, two and half weeks into December. 

The winter holidays were fast approaching and they finally had their last day of classes before being able to head home for some much needed rest. 

Dan wasn’t planning on going home immediately. The thought of spending the next month at his family home, dealing with his parents and brother and seeing his childhood friends who always asked how he was doing with a bit too much sympathy wasn’t exactly his ideal for a good time. 

And besides, Phil was apparently spending Christmas at his apartment with Martyn and Cornelia, so Dan hoped they could at least hang out for a few more days before his mum would eventually call and guilt him into coming home. 

“Are you going to have more people at your place for Christmas?” Dan asked one time when they were sitting in the university cafeteria. 

Phil was sitting next to him, munching on a cupcake he was holding in one hand and resting the other hand in Dan’s palm, letting him warm it up with his body heat. 

“No, don’t really have anyone else to invite,” he said once he swallowed the food in his mouth.

“What about your aunt?” Dan asked, absentmindedly reaching out and wiping the corner of Phil’s mouth that was smeared with icing. 

Phil’s face flushed a little pink, but he ignored Dan’s actions, instead asking “what aunt?” with confusion. 

“The one you told me about? With the fat dog.” 

Phil looked at him for a moment before throwing his head back and letting out a high pitched laugh.

“I can’t believe you remembered that!” he exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of a few tables near them. 

“Well, yeah,” Dan mumbled quietly, feeling a bit embarrassed. Was he not supposed to remember things Phil told him?

Phil looked at him with amusement before flopping down on his shoulder with a sigh. 

“Can’t invite her anymore,” he said, rubbing his face on the fabric of Dan’s jumper. 

“Thought you made up?” 

“We did, but then she died in a car crush a few months later, so that was the end of it.” Again, Dan couldn’t stop himself from feeling taken aback by Phil’s words. 

Phil probably felt the way Dan’s shoulders stiffened under his cheek because he drew back, looking at him with an understanding look. 

“I told you already, we all die young in my family, she was no exception,” he shrugged, squeezing Dan’s fingers in his own reassuringly and Dan thought it was absurd how calmly Phil was reacting to this so called ‘family curse.’

 

“What about the dog?” Dan asked, because really, he didn’t know what else to say. 

Phil perked up at that, smiling at the change of topic. “Her daughter took him, put him on a strict diet as well. He lost 5 kilograms already! You can follow him on Instagram if you want, witness the transformation. “ 

Dan laughed, because like everything else Phil said it was a bit ridiculous and endearing and a little strange, but he couldn’t erase the uneasiness he was feeling about the whole thing. 

Phil must have realized that, because before Dan could respond in any way Phil was leaning in and leaving a small kiss against the corner of his mouth. 

“It’s sweet that you worry about who I’m spending Christmas with, but you really shouldn’t. I do have some distant family left, and if I really wanted to I could have spent the holidays with them. But I much rather spend it in my own home with the people I’m close to.” He was smiling and his face was still close to Dan’s so Dan leaned in and kissed him one more time, making it sweet and short because they were in public and things like that always made him a little bashful. 

“Yeah, okay,” he said after he drew away and Phil beamed at him, squeezing his hand one more time before changing the subject.

It was a few days after that that Phil announced that he wanted to see Dan’s dorm room. 

He was waiting for Dan after his last class, standing by the doors of the lecture hall and looking at his mitten covered hands, wrapped up head to toe in warm clothes, looking a bit like a round, puffy, colorful marshmallow. 

He looked up at Dan when he approached him, smiling brightly. 

“Hey you,” Phil said, reaching out his hand for Dan to take. 

“Hello, what are you doing here? I thought you were done with your classes hours ago.” Dan asked, taking Phil’s hand without a second thought. 

“I was, but I wanted to wait for you,” he answered, a bit shy, letting their joint arms swing between them. 

Dan was fighting the desire to coo. 

They started walking, hand in hand, before Phil spoke again. 

“I want to go see your dorm room,” he said, looking at Dan from the corner of his eye. 

Dan chuckled. “It’s not very exciting.” 

Phil shook his head. “I don’t care. You’ve seen where I live, I want to see where you live as well.” 

“Okay, we can do that.” 

“Good.” 

“Good.” 

“I want to go right now.” 

“Now?” 

“Yeah, if that’s okay.” 

“Oh, yeah, I guess we can. But I don’t know if Ezra, my roommate, is there or not.” Dan wasn’t sure how well Ezra and Phil would hit it off, considering Ezra was probably one of the few people who were actually weirder than Phil. 

“I don’t care,” Phil shrugged, lifting up his unoccupied hand to rub a little at his pink, cold nose. 

“Okay, dorm room it is.” 

Phil was surprisingly quiet on their way there. Dan didn’t really mind the quiet, but he contemplated asking if something was wrong. He decided against it, because maybe Phil was finally getting comfortable enough in Dan’s presence to not feel the need to fill every moment of silence with words, and Dan didn’t want to make him self-aware. 

“Welcome to my palace,” Dan said once they stepped in the small room. 

The room was actually empty, and Dan was very glad for it. 

It wasn’t big, and even though Dan brought some of his stuff from home there it still kind of lacked personality. But it was at least tidy enough (thanks to Ezra, who always made Dan clean his side when it was starting to get a bit too messy) and Dan thought that for a simple dorm room it was good enough. 

Phil, on the other hand, looked fascinated. He was going around the small space, looking at every nick-nack and detail with great interest. 

He stopped by Dan’s shelf though, looking at the framed picture there. And Dan could feel his insides twisting. 

The only picture Dan had in his room was of him and Oliver. 

They were not older than 17 in that picture, smiling wide and a bit silly, heads pressed close together, almost touching. Oliver was looking a bit to the side, eyes fixated on Dan, while Dan was looking at the camera. 

Dan could feel his heart beat in his ears. Looking at Phil’s back, unable to see his face and reaction until he finally turned around and looked at him with an unreadable expression. 

“Who is that?” Phil asked, gesturing towards the picture frame. 

Dan willed himself to calm down. “That’s…that’s my best friend. And ex-boyfriend… I guess.” He felt wrong calling Oliver his best friend without adding the second part. Felt like he was betraying his memory, betraying all they had between them for years. All the kisses and touches and closeness. He couldn’t leave that out, pretend like it wasn’t part of their relationship. 

Dan couldn’t understand the facial expression on Phil’s face, but the whole situation made him feel quite uneasy. 

When Phil finally talked, his voice was unusually cold and timid. “I know we haven’t had this conversation yet, but I thought it was pretty clear I was looking for a relationship. I don’t do casual dating, and I definitely don’t do rebounds.” There was a flash of hurt in Phil’s eyes and Dan hated that he had to explain this. Hated that they couldn’t just let it go. 

But he knew for some time now that they would have to have this conversation eventually. If he wanted him and Phil to have a chance, he needed to be honest. 

“That’s not the case here, I promise,” he tried to reassure, but Phil was still looking closed off and so unlike Phil and Dan really wanted to make it better. 

“I don’t share,” Phil added, and he let his eyes drop to the ground. 

“I’m not asking you to.” 

He took a few steps towards Phil, relived when Phil didn’t step away from him. He let his eyes travel to the frame on the shelf, looking at his and Oliver’s faces smiling back at him. 

“His name was Oliver. He killed himself on our last year of school.” Dan couldn’t remember when the last time he told this story was. Couldn’t remember who he was telling it to or what he was feeling then. 

But now, he was surprise to find out it wasn’t that hard to talk about. His heart was racing and he felt nervous but he didn’t really feel the struggle he was sure he would be feeling in that moment. 

Instead, he felt relieved to share this part of his past with Phil. 

“Oh,” Phil said, and when Dan looked at him Phil was already staring back with wide eyes. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m so sorry Dan.”

“It’s okay.” 

“It’s really not,” Phil said, and for some reason he sounded a little pissed off. 

“I mean, obviously it’s not. But like with your family, it’s just the way it is,” Dan said, trying to understand the meaning behind Phil’s expression. 

Phil looked at the picture, and then then at Dan’s face again. 

“It isn’t though. It’s not like that at all,” he said, and Dan felt a little confused. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

Phil looked hesitant for a second before speaking. “He chose to leave you. He chose to cause you this pain. That’s a horrible thing to do.” 

Dan was taken aback by this response, looking at Phil with surprise. 

He wasn’t a stranger to these kind of thoughts. Had to battle them a lot at the beginning, lying in his bed at night and thinking about what Oliver had done. How he’d left everyone to deal with his decision, without a single word. How he left his family and friends and Dan to suffer because he didn’t want to anymore. 

And he hated himself for thinking that. Hated the way he was mad and judgmental and could never really fully forgive Oliver for his choice. Because he did understand that there was no way for him to know what was really going on in Oliver’s head. He couldn’t really know what he was battling. He hated that as much as he thought that he and Oliver knew each other inside out, he had to admit that he didn’t really know Oliver at all. 

And still, there was a weird, protective feeling that seeped in his veins at Phil’s words. 

“You… you can’t say that. You don’t know what he’s been through, you don’t know what he was feeling.” Even I don’t know, Dan thought. 

Phil was shaking his head. 

“It’s a selfish thing to do, no matter what it’s a selfish thing to do to the people you love. If you love someone you shouldn’t do that to them.” Phil’s voice was trembling, and Dan couldn’t stop the irritation he was feeling, letting out a short, humorless laugh.

“You’re so idealistic Phil. Life doesn’t work like that, love is not the cure for everything, the sooner you realize it the better.” 

Phil was drawing back from him a little, hugging himself and avoiding his eyes. “It should be,” he said quietly. 

“Well, a lot of things should be,” he said and his tone was short and impatient and Phil flinched a little. 

They were silent for a few seconds, and Phil words were still ringing in his head. Because they were nothing he hasn't thought before himself, but Phil had no right to say them. He didn’t know Oliver, he had no right to judge him. 

“I think… maybe you should go,” Dan said, because he didn’t want to say anything else he might regret later and most of all he didn’t want Phil to say something Dan wouldn’t be able to look past.

But Phil’s eyes shot to his and he looked mortified by the idea. 

“No! I can’t leave right now! Not when you’re angry with me.” He said the last part quietly, inching closer to Dan. 

“I’m not… I just don’t want to fight about this. I don’t want to regret telling you this,” he said, even though he was angry, at least a little. But most of all, he was feeling hurt for Oliver’s sake, because Phil had no right, he didn’t know anything.

But even that was seeping out if his body when he looked at Phil’s teary eyes. 

“I don’t want that either. I’m sorry, I really really don’t want you to regret telling me. I shouldn’t have said any of that, I wasn’t thinking,” he was close to Dan now, reaching his arms a few times before changing his mind and bringing them back to his sides. 

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” Dan said, and his voice was still kind of cold, agitated, but he hated seeing the wetness in Phil’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I just hate that someone hurt you like that, I hate it. I’m sorry, I can’t help it.” 

Dan said nothing in response, but he didn’t fight it when Phil let his fingers graze the back of his hand before taking it in his own. 

“I witnessed so many people fight for their lives. So many people who would have done anything to stay in this world just a bit longer, and it’s so hard for me to think someone can choose to leave. It hurts me so much that there are people that get the chance to stay but throw it away.” Tears were still running down Phil’s face and Dan reached up without thinking about it and wiped them away with his thumbs. 

“Some people don’t have the choice even if it looks like that. You can’t… you can’t say that. You don’t know what people are thinking or feeling or battling. I wish it was as simple as you say, I wish love was enough but sometimes it’s just isn’t. Sometimes people just can’t take it.” His voice was softer now, and he used the words he was repeating to himself constantly when he was feeling betrayed and angry by Oliver’s actions. It didn’t always help, but there was nothing else he could really do.

There was something almost comforting, reassuring, in the thought that Oliver didn’t have another choice. That there was nothing to be done, nothing Dan could have done to prevent it. 

That it wasn’t because his love wasn’t strong enough to keep him around. 

“Can I please hug you? I’m sorry, you’re right. I can’t judge and I know nothing about what he was going through and I’m an idiot but please can I hug you now?” Phil was pleading and he looked so hurt and scared that Dan would tell him to leave again, so really there was nothing for Dan to do other than engulf him in a tight hug, letting Phil cling to him, letting him fist the back of his shirt and bury his face in his neck. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil said again.

“It’s okay,” he said, even though it wasn’t completely, but he knew it will be. And besides, he hated to hear Phil’s voice so tiny and sad. Wanted to make it better somehow.

“Do you really regret telling me?” Phil asked after a few moments, and his voice sounded trembling again. 

“I don’t,” he assured. 

Phil drew away, looking at Dan with teary eyes. 

“Can you please kiss me? It’s okay if you don’t want to, but can you please? I just hate feeling like you hate me.” 

Dan could feel his chest tighten at Phil’s words. He cupped Phil’s cheeks, rubbing the pink under his eyes with his thumbs before leaning in and connecting their lips. 

Phil clung to him a bit more, letting go of a breath he was holding through his nose and kissing back immediately, a bit desperately. 

Dan drew back, ignoring the way Phil chased his lips and leaned his forehead against Phil’s. 

“I don’t hate you,” he said. “I don’t think I ever could.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! thank you for reading!  
> i was planning this chapter for some time now and i hope you liked how it turned out (i'm a bit emotional from writing it haha)  
> please tell me your thoughts, i love reading them! and come say hello on tumblr:) (phantasticlizzy)


	7. Chapter 7

Phil stayed in Dan’s room for a few more hours after that, saying that he didn’t want to leave until he felt like things were okay between them again.

Dan didn’t really care. He was still a little upset by Phil’s words, but he didn’t really want Phil to leave anymore. Even preferred that he stayed. After all, Dan was leaving soon for his Christmas holiday, so really the chances they’d get to spend time together for the next few weeks were few, and he didn’t want to waste them. 

Besides, Phil was still looking quite upset himself and Dan really didn’t want him to be. Because even though he felt like what Phil said was out of place, he couldn’t bear seeing his big, puppy dog blue eyes looking sad and uncertain. 

So he tried to distract the both of them, suggesting that they’ll put on a movie (not horror this time) and just relax for a while. 

Phil agreed instantly, sitting on Dan’s bed while Dan brought his laptop. It was definitely a more simple setting than the one they had in Phil’s place but Phil didn’t seem to mind. 

They decided on a Japanese movie they both heard about but didn’t get the chance to watch, and both of them settled on the small bed next to each other, squeezed tightly from shoulder to thigh, the laptop balanced on Dan’s knee. 

To his surprise, Phil didn’t cuddle up to him like usual. In fact, he was trying to do the opposite, moving himself as close as he could to the wall so that his body would have minimal contact with Dan’s. Dan let it go on for the first 15 minutes of the movie, trying to be respectful and let Phil have his space, but after that he started feeling a little antsy himself. Phil looked uncomfortable, which made Dan uncomfortable, and really, he just wanted to make it better. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, looking at Phil from the corner of his eye. He didn’t want to stare at him directly, knew that it would probably make him feel even more uncomfortable than he already was. 

“No,” Phil answered quietly, and Dan wasn’t even sure he was supposed to hear that at all. He felt his chest clench at Phil’s voice, trying to figure out what he should do. 

He wasn’t used to this. Sure, he and his friends had arguments, and he and Oliver fought from time to time as well. But he never felt this aching feeling in his chest from the idea of someone feeling bad because of him. And the worst thing was, it wasn’t even his fault. He wasn’t the one to say all those things, wasn’t the one to make it tense between them. And even though he could understand were Phil was coming from, he couldn’t understand how instead of feeling hurt and angry himself, all he felt at the moment was the desire to make everything better for Phil. 

But he did understand, however, that at this point he couldn’t stop that feeling anymore. Couldn’t stop the feeling of caring for someone else’s feelings more than his own. It was scary and new and he felt a bit lost at times, but he wasn’t sure he wanted it to stop at all. 

He paused the movie, lowering the laptop to the floor next to him, turning fully to Phil’s direction. Phil was looking at his lap, playing with his fingers and avoiding Dan’s eyes. 

“Come here please,” Dan said eventually, opening up his arms and gesturing for Phil to get closer. 

Phil looked hesitant for exactly two seconds before falling forwards into Dan’s arms, burying his face in Dan’s neck, clatching his sides. Dan wrapped his arms around him immediately, moving his hands in slow, circular motions on his back, trying to soothe him. 

“We’re okay, yeah? Please don’t worry about it anymore,” He said, kissing the top of Phil’s head. 

Phil was silent for a moment before answering. “I can’t,” he said, voice muffled by the collar of Dan’s shirt. “I messed it up and now you don’t want me anymore,” his voice was small but emotional and at that moment Dan hated how insecure Phil was.

In the few weeks knowing each other Dan was able to paint a picture in his head about Phil’s life (at least, one he thought was close to correct). He did understand, from Martyn and Phil himself, that there were probably people who mistreated him in the past. Most likely failed relationship or romantic interests. So really, Dan was understanding about it all. He didn’t pry if it could be helped (he wanted to give Phil the chance to talk about things on his own terms) and he tried to be as reassuring as he could. 

But still, he didn’t like hearing that Phil felt that way. Made him hurt and upset on Phil’s behalf. 

“I do want you Phil, I really really do. You know that,” Dan said, kissing Phil’s head once more, letting his lips linger. 

“I don’t know that,” he whispered, pushing himself more into Dan’s body. 

“Well, then you’re thick,” Dan answered, trying to make his voice as light-hearted as he could, lifting up one hand from Phil’s back and knocking on his head gently. He felt his body physically deflate when Phil let out a small, watery giggle. 

Phil lifted his head then, looking at Dan, and even though he wasn’t crying his eyes were a bit wet and shiny and Dan wanted to make all the bad things go away for him. 

“Do you actually?” He asked. 

Dan nodded, moving his hands to cup Phil’s cheeks, leaning down to connect their lips for a brief moment. Phil kissed back gently, clutching Dan’s sides a bit more tightly. “I like you so much I think its borderline creepy,” he said once he pulled away, hands still cupping Phil’s cheeks and watching with relief how he giggled again, cheeks heating up under his touch. 

“Good,” Phil said, cuddling back to Dan’s body completely, head under his chin and legs folded on his thighs. “We can keep watching the movie now,” he added, and even though he tried to sound unaffected Dan could still hear the uneasiness in his tone. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes.”

“Crisis over?” 

“I think so.” 

“Okay.” 

He reached down and lifted up the laptop, placing it back on his knee before starting the movie again. 

He felt Phil’s lips leave a small kiss on his neck where his face was, whispering a quiet “thank you” against his skin. And Dan just squeezed him closer to his body in acknowledgement, resuming his focus on the film. 

 

**************************

Ezra came back to the room about 30 minutes after the movie ended, looking surprised at the image of Dan and Phil kissing on the bed. 

“Oh, sorry,” he mumbled, averting his eyes and looking quite red in the face.

“It’s okay mate, you can look,” Dan tried to say jokingly, but Ezra was still looking away, obviously embarrassed. 

Phil looked at Dan accusingly, pushing at his shoulder a bit before sitting up and untangling himself completely from his body, getting off the bed and making his way to Ezra with a big, toothy smile. 

“You’re Ezra right? Nice to meet you! I’m Phil.” Phil’s tone was cheery and confidant and he reached out his hand for Ezra to shake. It reminded Dan of the first time Phil approached him in the coffee shop. Pink cheeks and funny hat, smiling wide and saying ridiculous things in what probably was an attempt to get Dan’s attention. 

Ezra looked at the hand hesitantly, as if it was about to explode if he touched it, but then took it in his own, shaking it awkwardly. 

Phil’s eyes widened comically, clutching Ezra’s hand a bit tighter. “Ah! You’re hot as well! Am I the only living icicle on this planet?” 

Ezra looked mortified, pulling his hand away from Phil’s. “What?” He asked. 

“He always has cold hands,” Dan contributed helpfully, shrugging his shoulders, trying to smile at Ezra to make him relax a little. 

“Oh! I meant your hands! Your hands are hot! I should really think more before I speak,” Phil exclaimed, covering his face with his hands and shaking his head. 

Ezra looked confused and lost and he glanced at Dan pleadingly, as if asking for help, but earned another shrug in return. 

“That’s… that’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Ezra stuttered, still looking a bit flustered and Dan had to stop himself from laughing at the scene. 

Phil let his arms drop from his face, and even though he was blushing a little as well Dan could detect the amused glint in his eyes. ”Okay,” he said with a big smile, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. “I think I better go, it’s getting quite late,” he added, looking back at Dan and pouting exaggeratedly, making Dan chuckle. 

“I’ll walk you home,” Dan said, getting up from the bed but stopping before putting his shoes on when Phil waved him off dismissively. 

“No no, you don’t need to, it’s not that far.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay,” Dan shrugged, standing next to Phil while he collected his stuff and wrapped himself in all the layers of winter clothes he had with him. 

“Are you warm enough?” Dan asked when they stood next to the door, reaching up to adjust Phil’s pink hat on his head. 

“I am.” 

“You’re sure?” 

“Yes.” 

Phil cupped Dan’s cheeks then, tilting his head up to connect their lips in a sweet kiss, pulling away too soon for Dan’s liking, not even giving him time to react. 

“Do you have time to see me again tomorrow?” He asked, and Dan could detect the unsureness in his voice again. 

“I do,” he answered, pecking Phil’s lips one more time. 

“Good,” Phil smiled big and bright at him, reaching to play with the collar of Dan’s shirt, and Dan felt the already familiar warmth spreading in his guts once again. 

“Text me when you get home, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

When Dan finally closed the door behind Phil he was almost surprised to find Ezra still in the room, looking pointedly at his phone. He stayed so quiet while Dan and Phil said goodbye that Dan forgot for a second he was even there. 

“Alright?” Dan asked half-heartedly, walking to his closet and taking his too tight jeans off, sighing in relief before putting sweats instead. He was in the middle of taking off his shirt when he heard Ezra’s timid voice speak. 

“I didn’t know you were… into men.” 

Dan felt his body tense immediately, letting his shirt drop back down to cover his body, feeling defensive and pissed off in an instant. He turned to look at Ezra with narrowed eyes, crossing his arms on his chest. 

“Does it matter?” He asked, and he couldn’t mask the sharpness in his tone. 

Ezra’s eyes widened at Dan’s question and he shook his head frantically. “No! I didn’t mean it like that, I just didn’t know, that’s all. I don’t care.” 

Dan couldn’t stop himself feeling a little sorry for him at that moment. He looked flustered and a little flushed and Dan had to bite the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from chuckling at the freaked out look in his eyes. 

“Chill mate, it’s alright. I’m sorry I got defensive,” Dan said, walking back to his bed and flopping down on it. 

“I really don’t care,” Ezra added quietly, flopping down on his own bed as well, looking at the ceiling. 

“Well, that’s good, I guess,” Dan said awkwardly, not sure how to respond. 

They were quiet for about 15 minutes after that, lost in their own thoughts before Ezra spoke again. “So is Phil like your… boyfriend?” 

Dan thought of the question for a second before answering. “Something like that, yeah.” 

“He looks nice.” 

“He is.” 

“Maybe a little strange, but nice.” 

Dan chuckled at that. Ezra was the last person in the world who was allowed to call another person strange. “Yeah, he kind of is.” 

“Should we have like… a sock system?” Ezra asked, and when Dan looked at him he saw his entire face was vibrant red. 

“A sock system?” 

“Yeah, like in the movies. If you want me to not get inside the room when you’re… busy, then you’ll put a sock on the doorknob.” 

Dan almost choked from his sudden bark of laughter, making Ezra blush even more. “Watched a lot of American college movies have you?” 

Ezra looked outrageous at the accusation. “No! I haven’t!” he exclaimed, only making Dan laugh louder, and Ezra to send him an exasperated look. “Whatever,” Ezra mumbled eventually when Dan didn’t stop laughing, turning around with his back to him, huffing and puffing in annoyance. 

But Dan didn’t have time to dwell on it, because his phone was vibrating next to him, showing that he got a new massage. He reached for it, smiling immediately when he saw who sent him a text. 

 

From: Phil Lester

Got home alive and just slightly frozen xx

 

To: Phil Lester 

Good xx 

Take a warm shower and turn the heating up so you won’t get sick 

 

From: Phil Lester 

On it! :D 

Miss you already <3 xx

(Was that too clingy?)

Sorry 

:( 

 

To: Phil Lester 

Miss you too <3 

 

From: Phil Lester 

>\\\\\<

Okay I’ll stop now

I’m going to take a shower 

And then eat 

Because you didn’t feed me :0

 

To: Phil Lester 

Sorry 

I forgot 

I will next time xx

Have a nice shower ;)

 

From: Phil Lester 

That sounded creepy >.<

But I will! :D 

 

Dan didn’t get more messages after that, so he put down his phone on the nightstand and sighed, looking at the celling. 

Even though he was still a little upset by their argument, (and he was pretty sure Phil was even more upset than him), he couldn’t stop the giddy feeling from taking over him once more. Making him feel warm all over and making his heartbeat just slightly faster than normal. 

He knew for certain, that if things would work out between them they will have more disagreements in the future. That’s just the way things work. People fight, and then they make up. He just hoped that when their relationship progresses Phil could trust more in Dan’s feeling for him. Because really, the way Dan was feeling at that moment, he couldn’t imagine wanting to ever let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait guys! but i've been working on the '100 ways to say i love you' fics which have been lots of fun so far! so if you haven't seen this go check it out, i think you'll like it ^^ (#spon) 
> 
> anyway! thanks for reading! please let me know what you think about this chapter :)


	8. Chapter 8

Dan got on a train to his hometown on December 23, after his mum called three times to ask him to come home already. 

He knew he was being unfair to her, to his entire family actually, and really, it wasn’t their fault he wasn’t too eager to come home. Well, not entirely at least. 

Coming home was always accompanied by memories and uneasiness for him, he could never really escape it. 

He didn’t really keep in touch with his childhood friends. Even though they always made sure to invite him to hang out and catch up, he mostly refused. He didn’t like the looks. Didn’t like the sympathetic “how are you”s and “how have you been?”s. 

Besides, they never really liked him. Not really, at least, not him. He and Oliver were a unit in their eyes, one person. In what one was lacking the other one was compensating for. They couldn’t separate his hobbies and interests from Oliver’s, couldn’t separate their stories and memories. And honestly, sometimes neither could Dan, which made the whole thing a lot harder for him to handle. 

When Oliver died, more than anything, Dan felt lost. He didn’t know who he was without this person next to him, didn’t know what he liked and what he wanted to do. And he hated it. Hated realizing all of a sudden that he had nothing of his own, not one thing he liked or wanted or had that wasn’t associated with another person. 

But at the same time, Oliver had this whole world inside of him that Dan never knew about, not until it was too late. 

It was a petty thought. He knew that. Knew that there was nothing beautiful or romantic or enviable in whatever Oliver was going through. He didn’t want that for himself. Really, he didn’t. And still, there was this annoying little part of his brain that was whispering to him in a quiet voice, saying ‘Oliver was his own person, while you were just a part of him’. 

And he worked hard, harder than on anything else in his life, to let that feeling go (at least a little bit). He moved out of his childhood home that was associated with Oliver more than with his own family. He searched for things he liked, even if they were insignificant, even if they were just some video games he and Oliver never played or some books he never thought to read. 

He tried to open himself up to new people (even if it didn’t work out all the time) and he tried to be happy, as best as he could. 

But every time he went back home, every time he saw his old friends or glanced at Oliver’s house next door, he could feel the doubt growing in his stomach. He could feel himself getting confused and lost and like he was losing a bit of himself, because no one in that town really knew him anymore. Not the person he had become. Not without Oliver. 

But he wasn’t really given much of a choice. He couldn’t refuse to see his parents, couldn’t refuse to come home. And logically, he knew he didn’t really want to. He loved his family. They were never the closest, and there were things he did hold against them (even though he tried very hard not to), but he did want to see them. At least sometimes. At least on Christmas.

And also, maybe, for the first time since Oliver died, he thought that he might be able to handle all of it. 

 

********************************

His dad picked him up from the train station, giving him a firm hand shake before thinking about it a second more and pulling him in for an awkward hug. 

The drive home was mostly silent for the first 5 minutes, except for the radio playing softly in the background. His dad was never able to drive without some kind of background noise, even though he cared very little about music. 

“So, how’s your studies going?” his dad asked, not taking his eyes off the road. 

If Dan got his awkward nature and silent tendencies from someone in his family, it was surely his dad. 

“Good, I think,” Dan answered, “Got a good grade on my last paper so that’s… good.” 

One of the things Dan struggled with while being at home was how much he actually owed his parents. 

His parents were paying for his life, his dorms, his studies, everything they could. They were never really rich, but when Dan had his gap year his parents were, understandably, concerned. 

He was lost, and confused, and didn’t really see himself doing anything with his life. And even thought his parents never were the too involved, too invested type of parents, even they couldn’t turn a blind eye to his state of despair. 

So they offered to pay, to make it so there was one less thing he needed to deal with to leave his home and start his life. 

And he was grateful, he was, truly. Without their help he might have never made that leap. But it made him feel like he owed them so much, like they had a claim over his life and studies and decisions. 

And even though money never came up, and they never said anything about it, Dan couldn’t shake that feeling. The feeling that their questions about university deserved a positive, optimistic answer. The feeling that he had to do fine, because it wasn’t his own money he was wasting. The feeling that even though he was a 21 year old adult, living away from home for the last 2 and a half years, he was still very far from being independent.

But even with all the uneasiness, he was still too comfortable, too lazy even, to do something to change that situation. So he accepted it, for now, swallowing the uneasy feeling he got from his father’s absolutely reasonable question. 

His dad parked the car in their driveway after about 15 minutes of driving, both of them getting out of the car and heading inside the house. 

The house wasn’t really big, and wasn’t too tidy, and even though it brought with it a lot of painful memories, it was also home. 

His mum came to greet them the moment they walked inside, engulfing Dan in a short, but tight hug. 

“How are you sweetie?” she asked after pulling away, looking him up and down in a way that made him want to cover himself. 

“Good, good. And you guys?” 

“We’re good, although we missed you,” she answered, cupping his face lightly in her hands for a second, before letting her hand drop.

He smiled at her, taking his shoes and coat off, walking to the lounge with both his parents by his side. 

“Where’s Adrian?” he asked, looking for a sign of his little brother. 

“He’s at his girlfriend’s house, Emily. Sweet girl,” his mum answered before sitting down on the couch, gesturing for Dan to join her, his dad taking a sit on the armchair across from them. 

Dan felt a pang of guilt in his chest. He didn’t even know his baby brother got himself a girlfriend. 

“That’s… good for him,” Dan said awkwardly. 

His mum ignored his comment, reaching out instead and taking his hand in hers, rubbing her small fingers over his knuckles. 

“It’s so good to see you Daniel. You look good. You look… better.” her voice was soft and his dad was smiling at him as well and Dan could feel his chest tighten.

“I… yeah. I guess I am,” he smiled beck at them, squeezing her hand. 

 

*******************

 

They were all at the dinner table when Phil sent him a text. Adrian came back about half an hour before, groaning loudly when Dan forced him into an awkward hug and disappeared again into his bedroom until his dad called him down to eat. 

They were having a pleasant time, and Dan had to admit he missed it. Missed his family. 

His dad was telling a work story and everyone were chewing happily and Dan decided he would allow himself to check his phone, just to see what Phil wanted. 

 

From: Phil  
How is your day going? Still hanging out with your family?  
I missed you :( 

 

Dan couldn’t stop his smile looking at Phil’s words. 

They saw each other just the night before. Spent hours together watching movies and playing games and kissing and Phil clung to him the whole time, explaining it was his last chance before Dan abandons him for 5 very long, unbearable days. 

Dan couldn’t say he mined feeling that appreciated. 

 

To: Phil  
I miss you too xx  
We’re eating dinner now. I’ll call you later okay? 

 

Phil’s reply was scarily quick. 

 

From: Phil  
Do you really miss me? 

 

Dan rolled his eyes. 

 

To: Phil  
I do 

From: Phil  
Good <33  
Call me when you can  
But don’t cut family time short for me or anything! I have nothing to do today so I’ll be free when you are :3 

 

To: Phil  
Noted <3 

 

He put the phone back in his pocket, looking back at his family and picking up his fork again. His mum was already looking at him though, an unreadable look on her face.

“You’re very smiley all of a sudden,” she said, drawing the attention of everyone else around the table to him as well, making his cheeks heat up. “Someone special sent you a text?” 

The thing was, even though they never really talked about it, Dan was pretty sure his parents knew about him and Oliver being more than just friends (as it was more than obvious to everyone). 

So even though he never really came out to them, he knew it was more than likely they figured out a long time ago that he wasn’t straight, at least not entirely. And by the way Adrian used to tease him about Oliver, he probably wasn’t entirely oblivious as well. 

So really, Dan didn’t feel the need to hide that from them at that moment. 

And besides, Dan kind of wanted to share his happiness with them. Share Phil with them. 

He was miserable for the last year living in that house. And after that, even though things got better, he still wasn’t really happy. 

And for the first time in so long, he thought he might be just that. Happy. Or at least, he was heading in the right direction. And there was no reason to hide that. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan answered, giving her a smile. 

It looked like she was surprised by his direct answer. Like she expected him to lie or to get annoyed with her for asking. He felt slightly proud of himself for proving her view on him wrong. 

“Oh, that’s great! What’s… their name?” she asked. And really, she was trying, and that’s all Dan could ask for.

“His name is Phil, he’s in my Greek Mythology class.” He answered nonchalantly, ignoring the way his heart was speeding in his chest at the prospect of having this conversation. 

His brother and father stayed silent, letting his mum handle the talking. “That’s great honey, you should bring him back to ours next time,” she said. 

Dan couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed, which surprised him. He wanted her to ask more questions, so he could brag some more. So he could tell her what a great guy Phil was. 

But his family was never really like that. And even though they cared, they always gave space and never asked too much. It was mostly a good thing, although sometimes it did make him feel like they weren’t really interested in knowing.

“I will,” he said, giving her a tight smile. He couldn’t imagine Phil fitting in with his quiet, reserved family, but honestly Phil was so endearing and charming in his eyes, he probably could win over anyone. (He knew he was probably a bit bias, but still). 

They kept eating for a few more minutes before his mum spoke again. 

“Oh, by the way, I saw Sarah Andrews the other day. She asked if you’re coming home for Christmas.” Dan could hear the tension in her voice even thought she was trying to hide it. 

Sarah was Oliver’s mother. 

Dan was never too close with Oliver’s parents. Mainly because both he and Oliver were young throughout their entire relationship, so they never put too much effort into the family side of things. But he did hang out in his house all the time, staying the night and eating dinner with Oliver’s family and watching a movie in the lounge with Oliver’s sister while Oliver’s mum was a few steps away in the kitchen. So even though their relationship was never really a deep one, they were hardly strangers. 

He visited them a few times, after Oliver died. It was weird for him not being able to just walk inside their house whenever he wanted, just say “hello” and head upstairs to Oliver’s room. There was no justification for that anymore though, nothing was waiting for him in that room.

It was hard on him and hard on them when he came over and there was never really anything to say to make his visit worthwhile, so eventually, he stopped visiting. 

“Yeah?” he said, trying to sound calm as well. 

“Yes. I think… I don’t know Daniel it might be a nice idea for you to pay her a visit.” 

His dad and brother were pointedly looking away from him, staying quiet and avoiding eye contact. And really, the last thing Dan wanted was to have that conversation around the dinner table. 

“I’ll think about it,” he said, shrugging his shoulders, trying to make the atmosphere go back to how it was at the beginning of the evening. Relaxed and easygoing. 

“Did I tell you what my art teacher told us today?” Adrian asked suddenly, clearly trying to help the situation. 

“No, what did he say?” His dad asked, still sounding a little tense, but trying as well. 

Adrian starting talking then, telling an absolutely unnecessary story about something that happened in his art class. 

And Dan was grateful, and maybe a little bit touched. And even though his brother ignored the smile Dan sent his way with gratitude, he was still feeling quite fond. 

 

***************************

 

That night Dan called Phil at 11 PM, after watching a movie with his family. It wasn’t something they did quite often when he was younger. But now, when he was living so far away, he couldn’t help but feel like it was something nostalgic, something he associated with his childhood. 

Phil answered after 3 rings, voice warm and excited. 

“Hey you,” he said, and Dan could imagine him sitting on the couch in his lounge in front of the TV, or maybe lying down on his bed, smiling with his tongue out. 

“Hello,” Dan said, and his voice was quite warm and excited as well. 

“How was your day?” Phil asked, and Dan decided he was probably lying in his bed by the way his voice became a little muffled, like he was half pressed into a pillow.

“Good, actually. Tiring, but good.” 

“Mhm, I’m glad.” 

“How was yours?” Dan was lying in his bed as well, staring at the ceiling. 

“Uneventful. Was all alone in the house, lonely, missing you,” Phil said with a sigh, making Dan chuckle. 

“Were you now?” 

“Yes.” 

“Well I’m sorry for leaving you all alone and lonely. I’ll be back before you know it.” 

“5 days is such a long time!” Phil exclaimed, and if it was anyone else, Dan would probably assume they were taking a piss. It wasn’t though, it was Phil. And he was just sweet like that. 

“I’m sorry, how can I make it up to you?” 

Phil was quiet for a few seconds. 

“Cuddle me.” He said eventually with a demanding voice. 

“I will, the second I’ll come back I’ll cuddle the hell out of you.” Dan said, feeling the familiar warmth spreading in his chest. 

“Not when you come back, cuddle me right now!” 

Dan blinked at the ceiling in confusion. “Phil, this is like, literally the one thing I can’t do.” 

“Yes you can. We can have phone cuddles,” Phil said, and his voice was a little quieter, a little shyer. 

“Phone cuddles?” 

“Yes.” 

“Like… phone sex?” 

“Yes, but less genitalia and more hugs.” 

Dan could feel the warmth from his chest spreading to his face. 

“I’m… not sure how to do that?” 

Phil huffed in annoyance. “Just, describe to me what you would do if I was there. Here, I’ll start. I’m lying next to you in bed, and we're all cosy and warm under the covers. Are you under the covers?” 

Dan shuffled a bit to get himself under the covers. “I am now.” 

“Good. So we’re under the covers and we’re holding hands. And then I turn to my side and sneak my other hand up your body and put it on your chest, because you’re warm and I like to feel you’re heartbeat, it calms me down.” 

Dan was definitely warm at that moment, flushed all over and having some trouble relaxing his breathing. Even though it was all innocent, quite silly even, there was something almost sensual about Phil’s voice, and Dan found it hard not to get excited. 

“But I want you closer so I press myself to you, almost on top of you. I put my leg over yours, so we can be closer. And I put my head on your chest, and I’m rubbing my cheek a little on the fabric of your T shirt because that always makes you laugh. And I put my hand on your waist, just a little under your shirt because I like to feel your skin, it’s all… soft and warm and lovely.” 

Dan was not sure if he was more embarrassed, turned on or giddy by Phil’s words. God he wished he could actually be with him at that moment. Actually hug him and kiss him and feel him. 

“Cuddle me too,” Phil said quietly after a few moment of silence between them, making Dan blush even more. 

“Um… sorry, yeah. So, I’m… putting one arm around your shoulder, so I can pull you closer to me, holding you there. And… I let my other hand trail on your arm, connecting the dots between your freckles.” 

Phil giggled. “That’s what you’re doing when you do that?” 

“Yeah, sometimes, I guess.” 

“Keep going, what else?” 

“Um, okay. So I’m doing that for a while, and then I’m moving my hand up to your face, and I’m tracing your nose and lips and eyebrows with my fingers, because I love the way your face always relaxes when I do that.” 

“It does?” 

“Yes. And then I move my hand to your hair, and I start to scratch your scalp with my fingernails, because you absolutely melt when I do that.” 

“Mhm, I do, I love that so much. I cling to you harder and push my head more into your hands so you won’t stop.” 

Dan chuckled, the sound a little breathless. There was no way Phil didn’t say it like that on purpose. There was no way he didn’t know what he was doing to Dan. “You’re like a cat.” 

“Meow.” Sometimes, Dan just couldn’t believe Phil was real.

“And then what?” Dan asked quietly. 

“And then… we fall asleep together, because we’re so warm and comfortable and we don’t want to move from each other, ever. Right?” 

Dan could feel his breath catching a little in his throat.

“Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for the long wait guys!! i have exams and you know how it is.... hope to go back to a more consistent update schedule soon! 
> 
> anyway, hope you liked this chapter ! please let me know your thoughts :) and come say hello on tumblr!! (phantasticlizzy)


	9. Chapter 9

On the 24th Dan woke up from the sound of his brother banging on his door, yelling at him to get up and come eat breakfast with everyone. 

When Dan was younger his family never really did family meals together. Or they did, on special occasions, but mostly they just ate when they wanted and never really bothered to make sure to spend that time as a family. Now that he was living away from home though, his mum did put special effort to make sure they spent more time together while he was at home. And truthfully, Dan appreciated it. 

He always felt a little distant from his parents. His family was never too involved, too interested in his life to ask invasive questions and insist on time spent together. And even though he knew it had positive sides as well, as a teenager he always felt a little neglected. 

He did understand, eventually, that this was his parents’ way to let him and Adrian be independent, try not to be overbearing and suffocating like a lot of other parents they knew were. 

But still, it was nice to see them trying to be closer as a family. See them insist on family meals and movie nights and conversations when he visited home. It was nice to feel missed. 

They ate a large breakfast of burned pancakes, because his mother was never much of a cook. Still, they all made noises of appreciation, covering the weird taste with syrup and earning an eye roll and a murmur from Dan’s mum, saying how next time her husband can have a go at making breakfast for everyone. 

The atmosphere was nice and calm, and for the first time in what felt like years Dan felt happy to be home, to be with his family. He should have known the warm, calm feeling wouldn’t last long. 

“Daniel, can I talk to you for a moment please?” his mum asked him after they all finished eating, and Dan’s dad and brother started working on the dishes (Dan was let off, because according to his mum, he was a guest. Now, Dan suspected it had to do with something else entirely). 

“Yes, sure,” Dan answered, sitting back down on the chair he just stood up from. 

He watched his mum quickly making her way out of the room, instructing him to wait, and walking back after less than a minute with a bag in her hands. She handed Dan the bag before sitting on a chair in front of him, looking at him with a careful look. 

“I bought pies down at the market for the neighbors, as a Christmas thing, and I wanted you to go to the Andrews’s house and give that one to them. Can you do that?” 

Dan could feel his chest tighten at the request, something in his stomach moving uncomfortably. 

“Mum…” 

“Please Dan.” 

Dan wasn’t expecting that. Wasn’t expecting his mum to get involved. She already told him about seeing Sarah the night before, suggesting he should go visit. It was unlike her to push, and he didn’t know how to react. 

“This is an unfair request. You’re being unfair to me.” 

“I know it’s hard for you honey, but she asked about you, they would love to see you, talk to you.” 

Dan could feel a little bit of anger mixed with the uneasiness and surprise. “You don’t know.” His voice was tight and he wanted to go back to 15 minutes ago, when they were all eating burned pancakes and having a nice time. 

“What don’t I know?” 

“You can’t say you know it’s hard for me, because you don’t know what it feels like.” 

His mum looked at him for a moment, her lips in a tight line, before reaching to take his hand in hers, holding it in the middle if the table. “You don’t give me enough credit. I may not know exactly what’s going on in your head, but I am your mother, I can feel when you’re hurting.” 

Dan wanted to laugh. He wanted to be mean and say she never knew when he was hurting, that she never really cared even if she did. But he knew it was spiteful and quite frankly not even true. She just hadn’t always known how to approach him, how to show her care. And one of the things he tried to work on after moving away was letting go of his resentment toward his parents, letting go of things he held against them, things that weren’t always fair in the first place. So he held his tongue, instead looking at her small hand holding his, squeezing his fingers tightly and letting out a sigh before speaking again. 

“She asked for you to come see her Dan. She told me not to pressure you, so I haven’t told you that before, but she asked if you can come see her.” 

He looked up at that. “She did?” Dan was surprised. He never got the impression Sarah wanted anything to do with him after Oliver died. Or anyone else in that family for that matter. Oliver was the only thing connecting them, and the memory of it was always a little too much for both sides. 

His mother nodded her head in response, rubbing his knuckles up and down with her thumb. 

“I… okay, I’ll go. I can go.” 

His mum smiled at that, a sympathetic, sad little smile that made Dan want to look away. She let go of his hand, getting up from her chair and making her way to him, leaning down to drop a lingering kiss on his forehead, making him close his eyes at the contact. 

When he was younger, she always kissed him like that. When he was upset or sad, they never really talked about it, because that was just the way things were at his house, but his mum would always kiss his forehead, lingering and sweet, smoothing his hair back to make room for her lips, making him close his eyes and absorb the affection.

“Thank you darling.” 

__________________________________

 

Dan was standing in front of the green entrance door for 7 minutes before finding the courage to knock. 

Being there, in front of that house, brought back a lot of memories for him. Good memories, coated with a layer of grief and pain. 

But to his surprise, his heart wasn’t beating as fast as he thought it would, and his chest wasn’t feeling as tight as it usually did. Yes, he was scared to face Oliver’s family, especially after not seeing any of them for so long. But the memories themselves weren’t as all-consuming, as painful as he thought they would be. At least, not as much as he remembered them being in the past. 

At the end, that what gave him the courage to take a deep breath and knock on the door, taking a step back and waiting. 

He heard noises from inside the house, and he could feel his guts starting to twist with nerves. But before he even got the chance to take another deep breath the front door flew open to reveal a young teenage girl standing on the other side, wearing a loose T shirt and sweatpants, her dark curly hair tied in a messy ponytail. It seemed like it took her a few seconds to recognize him before her eyes flashed confusion for a quick moment, only to go back to being indifferent just as fast. 

“Dan,” she said, and Dan really didn’t know how to read the tone of her voice. She grew up so much since the last time he saw her. She got taller, lost her childish shape. She looked so much like him, and Dan didn’t really know how to feel. 

“Evie, hey,” he smiled, trying to look calm. “I brought a pie from my mum, merry Christmas,” he added once he realized she wasn’t going to say anything. 

It felt strange, unnatural to stand there in front of her with a pie in his hands and a casual smile on his face. The last time he remembered seeing her, her eyes were red and her lips were shut in a tight line and everything in the world felt wrong. It didn’t anymore, not for some time now, and that made everything feel even stranger. 

“Um, thank you. Come in, mum is home but dad just went out.” 

Dan stepped inside after her, taking his shoes off right away. He remembered how fussed Sarah always was about shoes in the house. 

“Mum! Dan Howell’s here! He brought us a pie!” Evie yelled as soon as Dan straightened back up, making his heart rate speed up again. 

Evie didn’t wait for an answer before leading him to the lounge, where a woman appeared to be closing a book she was reading, getting up from the couch to greet him. 

She also changed quite a bit. Dan couldn’t help but think that. Her hair was shorter than it used to be, and she gained some weight. Somehow she looked younger than he remembered her, less tired, less broken. Her eyes weren’t bloodshed anymore, and the pained look on her face softened over the years. 

But still, there was grief settled there, in the creases of her eyes and the curve of her lips. Or maybe it was the sight of him that made her look like that, Dan wasn’t quite sure. 

“Daniel,” she said, smiling big but tight, pulling him in for a hug. 

They never used to hug. Really, he wasn’t that close to Oliver’s family. Even though he and Oliver never really talked about it, Dan had the feeling they never liked how close the two boys were. They always welcomed him to their house, but their looks were constantly observing, checking. 

Maybe it was all his teenage mind playing tricks on him, Dan thought.

He hugged her back, timid and careful, pulling back with a tight smile of his own. “How have you been?” he asked, but regretted it immediately. His tone was sympathetic, understanding, the exact tone he hated hearing from everybody else in that town while they were talking to him. 

She didn’t seem the mind though, squeezing his arm and leading him to sit on the couch, sitting down next to him. 

“Oh, you know, I’ve been keeping myself busy.” Dan noticed that Evie left the room, probably to give the two of them some privacy. He wished she would have stayed to make the whole thing feel less tense. 

“Um, mum sent this pie for you, for Christmas,” he said awkwardly, giving her the bag he was carrying, not knowing how to respond to her words. 

She took the bag from him, saying “thank you,” and putting it aside. “Would you like me to make you some tea? We can try the pie.” She asked, and it was clear to Dan she didn’t quite know how to approach him as well. 

“No no, it’s okay, just had a large breakfast,” he answered, rubbing his stomach with his hands. Truthfully, he didn’t want to stay there for long. Didn’t want to have tea and sit and chat for longer than necessary. It made him feel bad, made him feel like an insensitive jerk. But being in that house, with that family, was hard enough for him. He didn’t want to overdo it. 

They were silent for a few seconds after that, and Dan really started to regret not agreeing to the tea, because then at least he would have something to do with his hands and mouth. 

He was about to suggest they should have that tea after all when Sarah finally talked again. “You grew taller, how is it even possible?” 

Her statement took him by surprise, and he laughed awkwardly, reaching to push his hair from his face to calm himself down. “Yeah, I guess puberty wasn’t done with me.” 

“You look good though, handsome.” She hesitated for a second, and Dan thought for a moment she wanted to hold his hand before she spoke again. “Grown up.” 

And that was why Dan didn’t want to go see her. That was why he didn’t want to sit in this house, filled with all those childhood memories. Memories of a child who didn’t grow up. Forever 17 while everyone and everything around changed, grew, moved on. 

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he said, and there was a bitterness to his voice even he could detect, and he prayed she would understand it wasn’t aimed at her. 

Her eyes were sadder now, and she looked more like she did back then, when everything was too much and nothing made sense. And he didn’t want to be a part of that moment. That was her grief, he didn’t want to add it to his own. 

She did reach out for his hand then, squeezing it with cold fingers. 

And he couldn’t help but think about Phil’s cold fingers, and how they clung to his for warmth. He wished he could have hold his hand at that moment. He wished he could think about holding his hand at that moment, and not feel like he’s disrespecting the memory of Oliver. Like he should apologize to Sarah for thinking of another person when he was in her house, while she was thinking about her dead son. 

“I… we haven’t seen you in so long. Your mum tells me you’re not home often?” 

“Yes, I guess that’s true. I’m busy with university. And really… I like it there.” He stopes himself before saying something else. Before saying that he doesn’t really have a lot to come back for. Before saying that seeing her house and her family and all the things that reminded him of her son were what he was trying to avoid. 

But still, there was an unreadable look in her eyes when he looked at her again, and he fought the urge to drop his gaze to his lap. 

“I’m glad. That you like it there, I mean. That’s good.” The tone of her voice had more meaning than her words and he couldn't help but think of Phil’s cold fingers again. Couldn't help but feel guilty, even though he shouldn’t. Even though he had done nothing wrong. 

“I… yeah.” His voice was tight and suddenly it felt too much. Being at that house. Seeing her and Evie. It was all too much. “I think I should go. I need to help mum around the house. A lot of people are coming tomorrow.” 

Her eyes flashed something unreadable again, but she stood up none the less, not trying to argue with him. “Of course dear, you’re a busy bee, I get it.” 

He offered her a smile, but it was weak and unconvincing. He started to walk toward the exit, but she stopped him before he had a chance to take more than a few steps.

Her gaze was tense, concentrated, and Dan felt tight in the chest again. 

“I found some stuff, while cleaning the other day. Games and photo albums and some personal things he had. I put them in the attic after… well, I only now found the courage to dig them up again.” 

Dan didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what she wanted him to say, why she was telling him this. So he kept quiet, looking at her patiently, waiting for her to keep talking. 

“I think… he would have wanted you to have them. His things I mean, his personal things. I think he would have liked that.” her voice was thick with tears and Dan felt his stomach clenching, twisting inside his body and making it harder to breathe. 

“I… I’m sorry Sarah, I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to have them.” It was hard for him to say, hard to make the words while he was looking at her sad, teary face. But they were true none the less. He didn’t want to have Oliver’s things. He didn’t want to feel more connected to him. He didn’t want to think about what Oliver did or did not want. 

Oliver wanted to die. Oliver didn’t want to live. Oliver made his choice, and everyone else had to live with it. Oliver would forever be 17, but Dan wouldn’t. Dan would get older, and he would try to live his life the way he wanted, the way he chose. And he didn’t want to have more strings tying him to the past. 

He would never forget Oliver, but he had to have his own life. He had to move on. He wanted to move on. He wanted to be happy. 

And what Oliver did or didn’t want, wasn’t relevant to him anymore. He didn’t want it to be. And besides, who could really know what Oliver wanted? None of them ever really knew him, not his mum, not even Dan.

He couldn’t say it to Sarah though. He couldn’t. Because he knew, for her there was no moving on. There was no moving on from a dead child. His mum told him that once, after Oliver died. And it stuck with him ever since. She said, “You’ll be sad now, probably always be sad about losing someone you cared about. But for a parent… there is no moving on.” 

But by the look on Sarah’s face, he knew he didn’t really have to say anything. Knew she understood. Knew no more words were necessary. 

She pulled him for another hug, tighter than the last. “Say thank you to your mum for me dear, I love these pies from the market.” 

“I will.” 

_______________________________________

 

When he came back to his house he was exhausted, even though it was barely noon. 

He ignored his mum’s calls when he entered the house, asking if it was him, and quickly climbed up the stairs and locked himself in his childhood bedroom, not wanting to be disturbed, flopping down on his bed with a sigh. 

At that moment, what surprised him the most, was how much he was craving to see Phil. 

He never was like that. Never wanted someone else’s presence when he was feeling sad or emotionally drained. Even when he was younger, even with Oliver. He always liked his space, wanting to dwell privately, sleep the sad away. 

But now, he found himself thinking about blue eyes and toothy smile. Thinking about cold hand in his and messy black hair tickling his neck. 

He missed Phil so much at that moment it even scared him a little. 

He didn’t try to fight it though. Picking up his phone and calling Phil immediately, wanting to at least hear his voice. 

To his surprise, Phil didn’t answer. Dan could feel disappointment settling between his ribs, but he shook it off. Phil was allowed to be busy. 

 

To: Phil 

‘I miss you :(  
Call me when you have time to chat xx ‘

 

Dan threw his phone to the side, making sure it wasn’t muted so he could hear Phil’s call, before closing his eyes and letting himself drift to a restless sleep. 

__________________________________

 

Dan woke up two hours later, his limbs feeling sore from oversleeping. He checked his phone immediately, thinking that he missed a call from Phil, only to find that no one tried to contact him at all. 

He tried calling again, but Phil’s phone went straight to voice mail. 

______________________________________

 

Phil didn’t call him or answered his text that day at all, but Dan tried to not think too much about it. Maybe he forgot to charge his phone. It was something Phil would easily forget to do. 

The next day was Christmas, and Dan was busy with his family. All his extended family gathered in their house to celebrate, and Dan spent the day having awkward conversations and helping his mum with the food to avoid having more. 

Still, he tried to call Phil two more times, and left 3 more messages (he blamed that on the wine his uncle shoved in his hands), but again, got no reply. 

By that night Dan was starting to get worried, and maybe a little bit pissed. 

It reminded him of the time when Phil asked him out, but then disappeared for 2 weeks. Dan was certainly not willing to wait 2 weeks this time. Phil had no right playing him like that. He had no right to act like Dan was his boyfriend, like he missed him and cared so much, only to disappear when it was convenient for him. Dan felt silly thinking about how invested he was in Phil, while Phil seemed so indifferent all of a sudden.

But at the same time, the more logical, less tipsy part of his brain, knew it probably wasn’t the case. Phil was the opposite of indifferent, he was anything but. But he was also pretty secretive about some aspects of his life, and Dan never pried, but now he was starting to worry. What if something happened? What if something was wrong? 

He didn’t have Martyn’s phone number, and he knew nothing about Phil’s dad in America. He had no one to ask and no way to know what was going on. 

And the uncertainty of it all was what made him the most anxious. 

 

________________________________

 

On the 26th Dan was feeling antsy the entire day. He still couldn’t get a hold of Phil, and more than anything he wanted to take a train back and go to Phil’s apartment, bang on the door and demand explanations. 

He had 3 different fights with his brother that day, looking for any excuse to let out his nervous energy. 

His parents, who probably noticed his strange behavior, didn’t even reprimand him when he clearly deserved it, acting up and frankly being a jerk to his family. It resulted in an angry looking Adrian stomping out of the house in the evening, saying that he didn’t want to be around Dan anymore. 

Dan couldn’t find it in himself to care though. His brain was battling to decide if he felt more agitated or worried, and really, he could feel his head throbbing with the amount of thoughts and scenarios filling his mind. 

But in the morning of the 27th, to his surprise, he woke up to a text from Phil. the text was sent to him at 5 AM, which was strange in itself, and Dan saw it only at 9, after waking up to the sound of someone moving in the kitchen. 

 

From: Phil 

‘Dan, I’m so so sorry for not answering. Would you believe me if I said there was another family drama I had to deal with? Because that’s what happened. Kind of. I know you’re probably mad, I would be too if I was in your place :( I hope you can forgive me, I missed you so much :(‘ 

 

Dan had to read the message a few times before he could feel his heart finally slow down and his body deflate. 

Phil was okay, which was a good start. But what the hell was he talking about? What family drama? What family? 

Dan quickly dialed Phil’s number, waiting anxiously for him to answer. After a few rings, someone did, but it wasn’t Phil. 

“Hello?” the person said, and it took Dan a few moments to realize he was talking to Martyn. 

“Um, hi, Martyn, it’s Dan.”

“Oh, Hey Dan, how was Christmas?” even though Martyn tried to sound casual, Dan could hear the strain in his voice. 

“It was fine, but it sounds like yours wasn’t.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, Phil texted me a few hours ago to say there was some kind of family drama.” Dan wasn’t sure why he was telling Martyn this. He wasn’t proud of it, but there was a small part of him that thought maybe Martyn would give him some answers. Maybe he could make some sense of what was going on. 

“Yeah, I guess that’s a way to put it.” Dan felt even more confused by Martyn’s answer, feeling anxiety rising in his body. 

“Where is Phil? Can I talk to him?” 

His voice was probably a bit too intense, a bit too urgent, because Martyn chuckled a little before saying, “Chill mate, he’s fine. He just forgot his phone in the lounge so I answered. He’s asleep now, I don’t think I should wake him up, he’s very tired.” 

Dan could still feel his insides tided in a knot. Something didn’t feel right. Why was Phil so tired? What was this mysterious family drama Martyn refused to tell him about? He felt like he needed to see Phil. he needed to see him right away. He didn’t even care how he was coming off. 

“I’m going to get on a train and I’ll be at your place in a few hours, okay?” truly, Dan didn’t care what Martyn would say. He made up his mind. 

“Aren’t you supposed to come back tomorrow?” 

“Not anymore.” 

“Really, Dan, he’s fine, we’re fine, nothing we haven’t dealt with before. You don’t need to come back early.” 

Those words made even less sense in Dan’s mind. What was it they dealt with before? Why were they dealing with it again? 

“I’ll see you in a few hours Martyn,” Dan said before hanging up the phone, not waiting for Martyn’s reply. 

_________________________________

 

On the train back Dan couldn’t help but feel he was being a little ridiculous, leaving his family home early in a hurry because something personal was going on with a guy he’d been dating for a few weeks, something the guy clearly didn’t want to share with Dan just yet. 

He wasn’t the type to pry, and he was a firm believer in letting people open up in their own time. But still, the persistent feeling of worry and anxiety was eating away at his guts, insisting on him going to see Phil, making sure he was okay. 

He knew part of it was probably his bad past experiences. Knew that the paranoia and need to make sure Phil was actually alright came from a place of trauma and experience. 

So even though he felt like he was over reacting, like he was being dramatic and exaggerating with his reaction, he couldn’t even blame himself, couldn’t beat himself up over it. 

His mum was disappointed, when he told her all of a sudden he was going to head back early. But there was also something else in her eyes when he said he was worried about Phil. something that looked a lot like relief. Like she was relieved to see him care so much for someone again. 

And honestly, even with all the heartache, Dan was a little relieved as well. 

___________________________________________

 

By noon he was already standing outside of Phil’s apartment, knocking on the door. He was still with his suitcase in hand, his hair a mess because he didn’t have the time to make sure it actually looked alright before leaving the house, and even though he knew Phil was fine, was assured by Martyn of that, he still couldn’t stop his leg from nervously tapping while he waited for the door to open.

He wasn’t surprised when Martyn was the one to open the door for him, but it looked like Martyn certainly was. 

“Bloody hell, you were serious,” he said, not even bothering to say hello. 

“I told you I was,” Dan said, feeling a little uneasy under Martyn’s gaze. 

Martyn seemed to snap out of his surprise then, instead smiling warmly at Dan, the change so sudden it made Dan even more uneasy. “Yeah, you did. Come in, let me help you with that.” Martyn grabbed Dan’s suitcase, gesturing for Dan to get inside. 

“He’s still sleeping, but I think you can disturb him now, I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.” 

Dan didn’t answer, nodding at Martyn awkwardly and turning to leave the room and make his way to Phil’s. 

“Oh, and Dan?” Martyn said, stopping him on his way and making him turn back around. “I know you’re maybe a little… upset about Phil not talking to you for the last few days. But can you take it easy on him? At least for today? I think he really needs for you to be there for him right now and not make it harder than it already is.” 

Dan wanted to protest. Make what harder? What did Martyn mean by that? Did Phil talk to him about not contacting Dan? Why couldn’t he at least send a message? And really, his words were unfair to Dan. Dan needed Phil to be there for him as well a few days ago, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t there for Dan, but Martyn was expecting him to just let it go? 

Those thoughts were all buzzing in his mind, making him a little dizzy and unfocused. But he found it in himself to repress them, at least for the moment, nodding at Martyn again before walking away. 

He knocked gently on Phil’s door, just in case he was awake, but when he heard no reply he opened the door quietly, stepping inside the room. 

Phil was sound asleep in his bed, curled under a thick blanket. When Dan stepped closer he could feel his chest tighten again. 

Even in his sleep, Phil looked restless. There were black, heavy circles under his eyes, and his face looked tense, serious. Dan couldn’t remember ever seeing him like this, even when he was awake. 

He sat down on the corner of the bed, reaching his hand to push Phil’s hair back, letting his fingers scratch his scalp lightly. 

Phil tensed under his touch for a moment, before relaxing, slowly opening his eyes and blinking sleepily up at him. 

“Hey, you,” Dan said softly when Phil didn’t seem to register what was going on, eyes opening and closing in a haze. 

“Dan?” he asked, confused, before something seemed to click and his eyes flew wide open, looking at Dan with a lot more clarity. “Dan!” 

“Yeah sleepyhead, the one and only.” 

Dan felt all his anger and irritation melt when he saw the look on Phil’s face, worried and guilty. He didn’t want him to look like that. He wanted to make all the bad things go away. Wanted to hug him until everything was okay again.

Phil set up slowly, and he looked so tired all Dan wanted to do was push him back into a lying position and force him into a cuddle. 

“What are you doing here? What day it is?” 

“Shhh, don’t worry, it’s the 27th. I came back a day early.” 

Phil was quiet for a moment, avoiding Dan’s eyes. “You came back early because you were mad at me?” he asked, and Dan’s heart broke from the tone of his voice. At that moment he knew he certainly wasn’t mad anymore. How could he be? 

“No, of course not. I came back because I was worried about you, I wanted to make sure you were okay.” he let his hand settle on Phil’s knee, rubbing it with his thumb, trying to soothe Phil’s worries. 

“Oh,” Phil said, lifting his eyes and looking at him, the corner of his lips curving a little. It wasn’t the happy, toothy smile Dan was used to, but it was something, and he could feel his heart ache from relief. 

“You didn’t have to do that. I’m sorry you left your family home early because of me.” 

“Don’t be sorry, it was just an excuse to come be with you earlier.” That earned Dan a bigger smile, and Dan couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. 

Phil still looked exhausted, and he flopped back down on his pillow, looking at Dan’s face with sleepy blue eyes. “I know you probably want to talk, but I’m so tired. Can we sleep please? At least for now?” 

Dan let his hand drift back to Phil’s hair, petting it lightly. “Of course baby, whatever you want.” 

He never called Phil any nicknames before. Probably never called anyone any nicknames like that before. He and Oliver weren’t really like that. Things were always vague between them, and terms of endearment never felt natural in their relationship. 

But it rolled easily off his tongue now, tasted right on his lips. And Phil’s adorable blush was just a bonus. 

“Dan?” 

“Yes?” 

“Do you remembered what you said on the phone the other day?” 

“About what?” 

“About cuddling the hell out of me when you come back?” 

Dan felt his cheeks heat up, chucking at Phil’s words. “I remember saying something along those lines, yes.” 

“Now would be a good time to make good on that promise.” 

Dan leaned down, kissing Phil on the forehead once before asking him to scoot over and make some room for him. 

Dan lied down, his face to Phil, but before he had the chance to put his arms around him Phil grabbed his face, connecting their lips for a kiss. It was a short kiss, and Phil still had morning breath, but Dan didn’t care. He could feel himself letting out a breath he had been holding for the last few days, could feel himself melt under the touch. 

“I missed you so much,” Phil said once he pulled away, rubbing Dan’s cheeks up and down with his thumb. 

“Me too.” 

Phil leaned in once more, this time kissing Dan’s forehead and nose and cheek before getting to his lips, letting himself linger a little more. He pulled away and turned around then, his back to Dan, shuffling until his back was pressed to Dan’s front. 

Dan didn’t waste time to wrap his arms around him, kissing the back of his neck once, for good measure, letting himself close his eyes as well, feeling the stress and anxiety from the last few days finally leave his body. 

“Hold me tighter,” he heard Phil’s quiet voice say, his cold hands taking a hold of Dan’s and pulling him closer. 

And that was a request Dan definitely didn’t mind getting behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this super long chapter made up for the long wait!! as i told you guys i had exams, but now i hope i'll be able to update at least once a week!!  
> please please tell me what you think of this chapter!! it was really hard to write and i was planning it for a long time, i really hope you liked it!  
> and also come say hello on tumblr- phantasticlizzy :)


	10. Chapter 10

When Dan woke up a few hours later it was to the feeling of fingers gently playing with his hair and a warm breath tickling his lips. He opened his eyes, blinking a few times to get used to the light in the room, only to meet Phil’s big blue eyes staring back at him, an unreadable look on his face. 

He looked better. The dark circles under his eyes faded a little and his face looked less pale, less sickly. 

“Hey you,” Dan said, his voice still groggy from sleep. 

Phil didn’t say anything, didn’t even smile at Dan, only reacted by pushing Dan’s hair out of his face, looking at him intently. It was strange, seeing Phil look that serious. Dan knew that it was probably unfair of him, to expect Phil to always act lighthearted and happy, to be so stunned every time Phil looked anything but. But he also knew that his feelings were out of concern and care. He wanted Phil to feel happy, and he wanted to be the one making sure of that happiness. The intensity of it all still scared him a little, but there was no part of him wanting to run away. To take a step back. And that was more than he could say he ever felt before. 

So he let Phil look at him, gently touch his face and hair. Let him think and process and do whatever it was he needed to do at that moment, fighting the urge to avert his own eyes and shy away from Phil’s stare. 

After a few minutes of silence, Phil finally moved, ducking his head down and leaning forward. Dan was ready for him to tuck his head in his neck, like he usually did, but instead Phil pressed his forehead into Dan’s lips, nuzzling against them and pushing himself closer to him. 

Dan couldn’t help but chuckle at the action. “Is this your way to demand forehead kisses?” he asked, his voice muffled by Phil’s skin. 

“Yes please,” Phil said with a small voice, speaking for the first time after waking up and making something in Dan’s chest flutter. 

Dan didn’t waste time, winding his arms around Phil’s body and pressing a stream of lingering kisses against Phil’s forehead, feeling Phil lean into the action. 

Phil sighed contently, letting his hands settle on Dan’s chest, flattening his fingers and moving his thumbs up and down on the fabric of Dan’s shirt. 

Dan was still wearing his jeans, and he could feel the zipper dig uncomfortably into his stomach. But he ignored it. Now wasn’t the best time to start taking his clothes off, he thought. 

“I lied,” Phil said suddenly, while Dan’s lips were still pressed to his forehead, making him still his motion and draw back, trying to catch Phil’s eyes. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, feeling something tighten in his chest. 

Phil shot him a quick glance, his blue eyes looking distressed, before covering his face with his hands and groaning. “It’s not as dramatic as it sounds! I mean, I guess it is, kind of. Honestly I don’t know why I haven’t told you about this before.” He paused, lowering his hands but still not looking at Dan. “That’s also a lie, I do know, but now I feel like it’s this huge thing and you’re expecting some kind of a big reveal that will explain everything and when you’ll hear it you’ll just be mad at me for the way I handled it, and I hate the thought of you being mad at me.” 

The words spilled from Phil’s mouth quicker than Dan could follow them, but he didn’t like the way Phil was getting worked up, the way he sounded frustrated and angry with himself. Dan couldn’t really understand what was going on, but the one thing he could understand was the urge to make everything better. To take care of Phil. 

He took Phil’s hands in his own, squeezing them and bringing them to his lips for a quick kiss. “I won’t be mad, just tell me what’s wrong.” Truthfully, that was an empty promise, and Dan knew that. He couldn’t promise not to get mad at something he hasn't heard yet, but he had a feeling he couldn’t be angry at Phil at that moment, not really. 

Phil finally lifted his eyes, looking at Dan, and Dan didn’t like the way his eyes started to get a little bit pink. Phil’s hands were still in his, and he brought them to his lips again, locking his eyes with Phil’s, trying to calm him down. “I won’t be mad,” he said again, and watched as Phil tried to compose himself. 

“I lied to you about my dad.” Phil said finally, his voice surprisingly calm and collected. 

Out of all the things Phil could have said, Dan was not expecting that. “What do you mean?” he asked, letting go of Phil’s hands and frowning a little. 

“I lied to you, when I said he is living in Florida.” 

“Okay?” Dan felt confused, why would Phil lie about that? 

“He’s actually been here all this time.” Phil said, and then after thinking about it added quickly, “I mean, not here here. In the hospital here.” 

Phil looked at him for a long moment, but Dan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. So he said nothing, instead sitting up on the bed. He felt like they should have this conversation sitting up. Phil followed his lead, sitting up as well and folding his legs to his chest. 

“Is he… what’s wrong with him?” Dan asked finally, because really, there was nothing else for him to say. 

“Cancer, like my mum. The bad, brain kind.” 

“Why… haven’t you just told me?” 

Phil started fidgeting with his fingers, avoiding Dan’s eyes again. “It’s just… I didn’t want this to be something that defines me in your head, you know?” he said, looking up at Dan with hopeful eyes. 

“No,” Dan answered truthfully, because he didn’t know, but he really wanted to understand. 

“Do you remember when I told you about my mum and my… my family curse thing? You got all… sad. And then you asked about my dad and I just said what I usually say to people when I don’t want to explain. I didn’t want you to associate me with so much sadness, or, or, date me out of pity. I didn’t want you to ask ‘what can I do to help?’ on our second date, you know? Because all I could have answered was, ‘nothing, thank you for offering.’ I wanted… I’m not sure what I wanted. But I think I wanted to forget a little as well.” 

Dan felt a little bit sick. He had no idea Phil was dealing with all that. Because Phil didn’t want to burden him. Didn’t want Dan to pity him. Wanted to forget, even for a little while, that everything was so messed up. Dan could definitely relate to that. 

“I mean, it was partly true,” Phil continued, not waiting for Dan to say anything. “He does have a friend in Florida, and he always wanted to move there. He even found a place and everything. But before he got the chance, he got sick. And my dad knows… when you get sick in my family you don’t get better.” 

Phil sounded almost casual. Almost indifferent. Almost. Dan could remember Phil’s words from all those weeks ago, while talking about his mum, ‘I was already used to taking care of sick people and watching them die.’ he couldn’t stand hearing Phil saying these kind of words, not then and not now. Couldn’t stand the thought of him losing his family, and accepting it as a given. 

“Is that where you’ve been when you disappeared? The hospital?” Dan asked, because he couldn’t say all the other things he was thinking. Not yet. Maybe not at all. 

Phil nodded, looking at Dan again. “I didn’t intend to… disappear. But I hated lying to you, and you would have known that something was going on if we would have talked. And besides… being there… is quite intense. He’s in a really bad shape. He’s not right in the head… he’s confused, doesn’t even recognize us most of the time. Martyn and I try to be there as much as we can, but sometimes when it’s a really bad few days we have to be there all the time.“

Dan felt his chest tighten again. He wanted to hug Phil. To take him in his arms and tell him it was all going to be okay. But he didn’t want Phil to think he was dismissing the situation. Didn’t want Phil to feel like Dan thought it could all be fixed by a hug. 

“I’m so sorry Phil. I can’t imagine how hard it is,” he said instead, because there was nothing else he could have said. 

“It is what it is, you know? I’m used to it, by now. I told you.” Phil shrugged, but Dan could see he was not as unaffected as he wanted to seem. Dan hated that Phil felt the need to hide behind that. 

“Was he really bad? At Christmas?” 

“It was… A lot. Sometimes, he wants just me with him. Doesn’t let anyone near him. Not even Martyn. And then I have to be with him all the time.” 

“Are you guys really close?” 

Phil let out a humorless laugh, and Dan felt taken aback by the sound, tight all over. It was nothing like the laugh he was used to hearing from Phil, nothing like the melodic, loud laugh that made his stomach flip inside his body. 

“We aren’t close at all, actually. Never were. He never liked being around me much.” Phil was still looking at him, his eyes blue and intense and Dan had to fight the urge to look away from him again. “I look like my mum, a lot, apparently. And when he was well… I guess it was too much for him. But now, sometimes, she’s the only thing he remembers. And when that happens I’m the only one he lets near him. That’s why I had to be there for a few days now. He didn’t let the nurses do anything, didn’t let Martyn help, it had to be me.” 

Dan didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what to do. He was searching his mind helplessly for any words or actions that could suit the situation, but found none. 

But Phil didn’t look too concerned about that. His eyes were looking desperate all of a sudden, needy, and Dan wanted to give him everything he needed. 

Phil reached out to take Dan’s hand hesitantly in his own, letting out a breath through his nose when Dan squeezed his fingers instantly. “Are you mad? I know I should have told you from the start. It was such a stupid lie, and it got all messed up and I didn’t know how to tell you what was actually going on. Please don’t be mad at me. Please please.” 

Dan couldn’t understand it. Why was Phil pleading? Why did he think Dan would be mad at something like that? 

Dan tightened his hold on Phil’s fingers, reaching to take Phil’s other hand as well. “Of course I’m not mad, I’m just sorry you had to go through all that by yourself.” 

Phil seemed to relax a bit at Dan’s words, smiling at him a little. “I wasn’t by myself. Martyn is here, and also Cornelia, she helps a lot.” 

“I could have been there as well. I’m pretty useless for most things, but I could have been there for you.” 

Phil looked down at their linked fingers, shying away from Dan’s look. “Would you have really liked that?”

“Yes,” He answered, and really, he felt no hesitation. 

Phil looked at him again, his lips tight. “It’s really sweet Dan, but I don’t think you understand what that means. You think you want to be there, but it’s not something nice to witness. Trust me, I witnessed it plenty. You don’t want to be a part of it.” 

Dan, despite knowing he shouldn’t, couldn’t help but feel pissed off at Phil’s words. “You can’t decide for me what I want to be a part of. You can… You can decide you don’t want me there, and I’ll have no choice but respect that, but you can’t decide what i want.” Dan’s tone was sharp and Phil looked taken aback for a moment, before composing himself again.

“And what do you want?” Phil’s eyes were expecting and piercing and even though he was trying to look nonchalant, Dan could see the challenge behind them, the hope. And for Dan, the answer was clear. 

“I… I just want to make it better, or...or, try to carry the burden with you when I can’t make it better. I want to be with you, always, even if it’s not the easiest thing all the time.” 

Phil looked a little surprised by Dan’s words, and truthfully, Dan was surprised as well. He never said anything like that to anyone before. Never felt the need to express his devotion in such a way. It always felt like too much in the past, too intense, too embarrassing. But now every bone in his body was screaming at him to make Phil see, make Phil understand. 

Phil was looking at him intently, eyes dancing on his face, as if trying to find regret or dishonesty. “Do you mean that?” he asked eventually, and Dan had to stop himself from laughing. Not because it was funny, but because it was such a Phil thing to ask, and Dan felt relief wash over his entire body at hearing Phil sound like himself again. 

“Yes,” he said, squeezing Phil’s hands again. 

And then, just like that, Phil was crying. Dan, in the midst of the confusion, even thought he was laughing at first, because the change was so sudden his mind couldn’t keep up. But the moment he realized the sounds coming out of Phil’s mouth were in fact sobs, he wasted no time, gathering Phil in his arms and pressing him close to his body. 

Apparently, the action wasn’t enough for Phil, because he moved his legs then, straddling Dan’s thighs, and collapsed on top of him, letting himself cry loudly into Dan’s neck. 

Dan had a moment of panic, trying to imagine what Martyn must think of the sound of his brother sobbing hysterically in his room, but shook it off quickly. It didn’t matter. Martyn wasn’t stupid, he probably understood on his own. 

Dan was holding Phil close to him, moving his hands on his back in large, soothing circles, kissing the side of his head and his shoulder, letting Phil cling and cry and let everything out. He felt his own tears close to the surface. Seeing Phil like that was a lot, and he couldn’t help but let a few tears escape from his eyes, rolling silently down his cheek, just to feel some relief in the tightness in his chest. 

They sat like that for a while, and Dan was starting to lose the feelings in his legs by the time Phil finally calmed down, taking a few more shaky breaths against Dan’s neck. 

Phil drew back then, looking at Dan with puffy red eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m such a mess,” he said, moving his hands to his eyes and pressing down on them with his fingers, making Dan’s insides clench. 

Dan moved his arms from Phil’s back, taking a hold of Phil’s hands and moving them from his eyes. He leaned in, watching the way Phil’s eyelids fluttered before he pressed his lips to each of them, kissing the wet skin. “I don’t care,” Dan said after leaning back. He cupped Phil’s cheeks with both his hands, moving his thumbs under the pink of Phil’s eyes. “I’m a mess too, it doesn’t matter, we can be a mess together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!! how are you guys ^.^  
> thank you for all your kind comments and messages after the last chapter, it means so much!!i was planning this chapter for a while and i really hope you liked it! i really really want to know what you think, so please let me know!  
> and come say hello on tumblr - phantasticlizzy


	11. Chapter 11

Dan stayed at Phil’s place for the rest of the day. 

And even though Phil was definitely looking better, he still looked quite exhausted, worn out, and Dan couldn’t stop his heart from clenching every time Phil’s eyes dropped or every time he let out a big yawn. So he made sure Phil mostly rested throughout the day. Made sure he drank water and ate. Made sure to be extra affectionate and reassure him he wasn’t in any hurry to go back to his dorms. 

Martyn was away for the day, leaving a note saying he was at his girlfriend’s, Cornelia, house, and later would drop by the hospital. So Dan allowed himself to move in the apartment freely, to open cabinets and use the stove. 

To Dan, it felt like after their talk, something shifted between them. From the moment they started dating, Dan could feel a strong attraction and affection towards Phil. It was new and exciting and he never really felt like that with anyone before. And he wanted it. He wanted so badly to grab it and feel it and never let it go. 

But now, he could feel that something was different. It felt like… more, somehow. In addition to all the excitement and affection, there was now a deeper emotional bond. A connection stronger than the new excitement he felt at the beginning, stronger than a simple affection. 

Truthfully, Dan realized it didn’t happened all at once. They built their bond over the short period of time knowing each other, opened up little by little, got to know each other more and more and realized again and again they liked what the other had to offer. 

But it downed on him at that moment, making dinner at Phil’s kitchen for him while Phil took another nap on the couch, how much he truly cared for this person. How much he wanted Phil to be happy and safe and loved. How much he wanted to be the one to make him happy and keep him safe and love him. 

The thought made something in his throat tight, and he wondered when would be the moment he could think of the word ‘love’ without seeing a full head of curly hair and grey eyes in his mind, looking at him in betrayal. 

He ignored that, for the moment, turning the stove off and taking a deep breath. 

Oliver would always be a ghost in Dan’s life. Dan knew that. He accepted it. Truthfully, he didn’t think he really wanted to let it go entirely. To let Oliver go. He would always be there, a steady presence in Dan’s memory. Filling the corners of his mind with grief and loss and confusion. Oliver would always have Dan’s past, but Dan could only hope someone else had his future. 

He made his way to the couch, looking down at Phil’s sleeping face. Up until that morning, he never saw Phil asleep before. But now, he felt greedy. He wanted to see that sleeping face every day, if he could. 

Dan set down, kneeling on the floor next to the couch, reaching out to smooth Phil’s hair back from his face. “Phil, wake up,” Dan said, trying to keep his voice soft, moving his fingers to Phil’s face, rubbing his thumb over his eyebrows. 

The only response Dan got was a deep, unsatisfied groan and an adorable frown. 

“Come on Philly.” 

Another groan. 

“I made pancakes,” he added, pocking Phil’s nose with his finger. 

At that, Phil’s eyes opened comically fast, looking and Dan with a lot more clarity than he expected. “Pancakes?” He asked, and Dan wondered when will he stop feeling so caught off guard by Phil’s cuteness, if he could ever actually get used to it. 

Dan couldn’t help himself, throwing his head back and letting out a loud laugh, feeling something inside of him loosen up, feeling some of the tension leave his body with the sound. 

“Yes,” he said after calming down, feeling his mouth stretch into a fond smile. 

“For dinner?” 

“Yes.” 

Phil own lips curved at that, blinking at Dan with his big blue eyes happily. He reached out, taking a hold of Dan’s hand and moving it to his lips, kissing every one of Dan’s knuckles. Dan couldn’t imagine ever getting used to those intense eyes looking at him so intently, focusing all their attention on him. 

“How can you be so perfect?” Phil asked, making Dan’s heart speed up. 

“I’m really not,” Dan answered awkwardly, feeling his cheeks heat up. He was never too good with compliments. Always felt the need to avert his look or change the subject. Oliver always told him off for it. Always told him he should be more confident. Should think about himself more highly. 

But Phil didn’t look annoyed. Didn’t look discouraged. There was a sleepy smile dancing on his lips, and a slightly amused look in his eyes. He moved his hands to Dan’s cheeks, cupping them and pulling him forward to connect their lips together. The angle was awkward, with Phil still lying down and Dan kneeling next him, But Dan kissed back, softly and sweetly, feeling Phil’s fingers rub his cheeks up and down.

“Well you’re perfect to me, so deal with it,” Phil said after they pulled back, making Dan’s entire body ache with the desire to kiss him again and again. To start kissing him and never ever stop. 

Phil set up, stretching his limbs with a loud whine, and then got up from the couch, offering Dan a hand to help him up as well. “Come on, the pancakes are waiting.” 

 

*****************************

 

Later that evening, after they were both stuffed with pancakes and Phil insisted on doing the dishes, they were sitting on the couch watching a movie. 

Well actually, watching might not be the correct term, Dan thought, as he didn’t actually see the screen for the last 20 minutes. 

Instead, he had his vision blocked by Phil, who was sitting on his lap, legs straddling Dan’s thighs. Phil was slowly kissing every part of his face, from his forehead to his lips, grazing his nose with his lips and moving his fingers on his neck. 

Dan was sure he was flushed all over, vibrant red and radiating heat from his body. could feel how Phil’s fingers were even colder than usual in comparison to the hot skin of his neck, how Phil’s lower back felt cool against his too warm hands when he was moving them under Phil’s shirt. 

The entire room felt charged and warm, and Dan felt like there was not enough air for him to breathe, like all the air was sucked out of his lungs by Phil’s lips. 

The pace was slow, agonizingly so, but to Dan, it only made the whole thing more sensual. 

He didn’t want to push it though. Didn’t want to take it further. It was an emotional day, for the both of them, and things between them felt more serious, more charged, and even though his body was screaming at his mind for it, he didn’t want to add another new thing to that day. Didn’t want to jump into something just because of the shift they felt in their relationship. 

Mostly, he didn’t want Phil to regret anything. Didn’t want him to feel like Dan was taking advantage of his vulnerability. Phil made it clear, more than once, that there were people that did just that in the past, people who took advantage and didn’t appreciate Phil and left him feeling insecure, and Dan never wanted him to feel, even for a second, that he was one of them. 

Besides, it felt like Phil was on the same page, never taking things too far, never speeding his pace, keeping it all on the borderline of too much, and yet not enough. 

And really, it was okay. It was more than okay. Dan never felt that adored, that admired in his life, and he wanted to bask in the attention as much as he could. 

There was something about Phil’s slow, wet lips, kissing at every part of his face, taking his lower lip between his own and exploring Dan’s mouth with his tongue, that made Dan feel almost worshiped, and he couldn’t get enough. 

Phil did pull away eventually, when things began to feel a bit too heated and the mood started to feel more electric, leaning back on Dan’s lap and looking at him with big eyes and pink lips. 

Dan couldn’t help himself, moving one hand to Phil’s face, tracing his bottom lip with his thumb. He felt a flash of warmth go through his entire body when Phil’s mouth opened to the touch, giving his finger a few kitten licks and giggling, the sound feeling out of place in the quietly charged room, before burying his face in Dan’s neck. 

Phil yawned happily into Dan’s skin, and Dan didn’t miss the way he wiggled on his lap to get his crotch away from Dan’s, shuffling a little backwards on his thighs. 

“Tired?” Dan asked, moving both his hands back to Phil’s back, rubbing up and down. 

“A bit.” 

“Do you want me to go?” 

Phil buried his face deeper into Dan’s neck, letting out a little whine, but didn’t say anything.

“Phil?” 

“Would you be mad if I asked you to stay over tonight?” 

“Why would I be mad?” Dan asked in confusion, pulling at Phil’s shoulders a little to get him to sit back and look at his face. 

Phil obliged, straightening up and glancing at Dan a little shyly. “Because I’m being needy and annoying and you probably want to go to your dorms and sleep in your bed.” 

Dan felt something in his chest clench, and he pulled Phil back to his chest, holding him tight. Phil didn’t object, resuming his position and resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. 

 

“I don’t want to be anywhere without you right now,” Dan said, and couldn’t help but cringe a little at the intensity of his statement. But it was true. He knew it was true. After spending the last few days worried and obsessing about what was going on with Phil, he didn’t want to be away from him. Not if Phil didn’t want him to. 

“Really?” Phil asked, peeking up at Dan. 

“Yes.” 

“Are you sure? Because it’s okay if you want to go.” 

“I’m sure.” 

“Okay.” 

Phil gave Dan a towel so he could take a quick shower before climbing back into bed. Even thought a lot of the day was spent sleeping and resting, Dan still felt exhausted and drained, and it looked like Phil was feeling the same way when he joined Dan after taking his own quick shower. 

It felt a little strange to Dan, sharing a bed at night with another person. There was a big difference in his eyes between napping together during the day and sleeping in the same bed at night. Something about it felt more intimate, more serious, and he found himself feeling a little awkward when Phil finally settled next to him. 

“Turn around, I want to be the big spoon,” Phil said, his voice sounding a little nervous as well. 

Dan turned around, his heart beating fast, feeling Phil’s body press closely to his back, wrapping his arms around him and tucking his freezing hands under Dan’s T shirt. Dan flinched a little from the cold touch, a shiver running through his body. He took a hold of Phil’s hands, lifting them up to his mouth and blowing hot air on them before bringing them to his lips. Phil let out a sigh, shuffling even closer to Dan and shoving his face into the back of Dan’s neck. 

 

“Good night,” Phil said, voice muffled by Dan’s skin and making something in Dan’s stomach flutter. 

“Good night,” Dan said back before closing his eyes. 

And really, Dan thought, he could definitely get used to this. 

 

**************************************

 

The next day, Phil had to head out to the hospital early in the morning, and Dan took the opportunity to go drop his suitcase at his dorms. 

Waking up next to Phil in the morning felt right in a new, surprising way. During the night they drifted away from each other, each staying on their own side of the bed, but Dan could still feel Phil’s presence next to him when he opened his eyes, could feel his weight and hear his breathing and see his peaceful face when he turned around. 

There was a mix of content and excitement settled deep in his chest, making his insides feel warm and his lips curl up and his body move on its own accord, pressing himself closer to Phil and kissing every part of his face until he woke up as well. 

They ate breakfast together, side by side, glancing at each other and giggling like on their first date. Phil looked giddy, excited to have Dan there next to him, eating his cereal. And Dan couldn’t say he felt differently. 

They said goodbye at the door, each of them heading to a different direction, kissing each other’s lips a few times before finally letting go. 

Dan felt ridiculous in the best way. Felt lightheaded and floaty and like he couldn’t stop smiling even if he wanted to. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to stop smiling. He wanted to smile like that for the rest his life. He wanted Phil to keep making him smile like that for the rest of his life. And it scared him a little, how much the idea of ‘the rest of his life’ didn’t scare him at all after the short period of time they knew each other. 

It never felt like that before. It was hard for him to admit, hard to think about, but it was true. He and Oliver… were different. Things were different between them. The idea of forever with Oliver never made his chest flutter. Never made him smile so big he was afraid his face was going to split in two. 

They loved each other, Dan knew they did, but he was starting to wonder… were they really in love? Or was it just the closeness they felt with each other? The habit of always being together? If Oliver was still alive, would they’ve been able to stay together after moving away from their small town? Would they’ve even wanted to try? Or was it just something they said to reassure each other? To make each other less scared of the changes they were facing? 

Dan willed himself to stop thinking about that, at least for the moment. He wanted to keep thinking about good things, happy things. He wanted, so much, to finally be happy. 

His Phone buzzed in his pocket when he finally entered his room, providing the perfect distraction from his invasive thoughts. He took it out, surprised to see it wasn’t Phil who texted. 

 

From: PJ  
Hey mate! How are you?  
Listen, me and Sophie are having a New Year’s party at our place, and if you don’t have other planes we would really like it if you’d come! You can bring whoever you want with you :) 

 

Dan stared at the message for a few moments, thinking about what he should reply. 

PJ was a friend of his from university. Dan couldn’t say they were particularly close, but then again, Dan didn’t really have any close friends. PJ was probably the closest thing to a real friend Dan had from his uni, besides Phil of course, (and maybe Ezra, Dan thought, a little horrified). He liked him well enough. He was kind and creative and Dan always had things to talk to him about, even if they didn’t see each other often enough to talk about them. 

He’d been in PJ’s and his girlfriend’s, Sophie, apartment a few times before, and he vaguely knew a few of their friends, at least the ones that studied at the same uni as them, from the few times they all went out together to get some drinks. 

And really, going to a New Year’s party at PJ’s place sounded like a nice way to spend the night, Dan thought, especially since he didn’t have any other planes. It’s been a long time since he had a night out with friends. 

But he didn’t want to accept the invitation just yet. He needed to talk to Phil. needed to see what Phil’s planes were, and hopefully, make sure that whatever they would do, they’d spend the night together. 

He felt silly, but there was a cliché, romantic part of him that insisted he on wanting to kiss Phil at midnight. Wanting to open the New Year with Phil by his side, if Phil would let him. 

 

To: PJ  
That sounds great Peej! I need to check a few things first though okay? I’ll let you know soon. 

 

With that, Dan threw himself on his bed with a loud ‘humph’, letting himself close his eyes for a few minutes, thinking about soft, pink lips pressing against his while the clock hits 12. 

 

***********************************

 

As Ezra was still away at his family’s place, Dan had the room to himself for the rest of the day, and he spent most of it trying to study while waiting for a text or a call from Phil. 

When Phil finally called, it was already past 11 PM, explaining to Dan that his father wasn’t in the best shape today, and Phil had to stay in the hospital until he fell asleep. He sounded exhausted and a little distant, and Dan reluctantly agreed they should meet up the next day instead of that night, so that Phil could get some rest. 

It felt odd, the desire to drop everything and run to Phil’s place, wrap him in his arms and spoon feed him his favorite food. But he shook it off, deciding he should try focusing on his uni work, at least for that night. 

The next day, they decided to go grab lunch together at the same café they had their first date at. When they entered the place, he lady working the counter smiled at them brightly, just like last time, greeting Phil politely. 

Phil was wearing the weird, blue ear warmers again, and a bright blue jumper with a picture of a sloth sitting inside a steaming cup of coffee on it, and the caption ‘sloffee’, which Phil didn’t fail to explain was chosen especially for their current activity. 

They both ordered coffee, two sandwiches and a cake to split between them. They were sitting on the same side of the table this time, with Phil clinging almost uncomfortably to Dan’s side while he was drinking his coffee. But Dan didn’t really mind. It was nice, going out on a date and acting like a ridiculously affectionate couple. Nice to feel like Phil couldn’t even bear to sit on the opposite side of the table from him, that he needed Dan close to him at all times. 

They didn’t spend a long time there, Phil saying he would like to go on a walk in the park since it was a rare sunny day in December. 

“There’s a nice park 5 minutes from here, I like to go there sometimes,” he said to Dan once they were back outside and he was done wrapping himself in his winter layers. 

“Lead the way,” Dan answered, taking Phil’s cold hand in his own and starting to walk next to him. 

“You always forget your mittens,” Dan reprimanded, rubbing Phil’s skin with his thumb to warm it up. 

Phil shrugged. “It’s okay, I like this better,” he said, lifting their joint hands and kissing the back of Dan’s. “Makes me feel warm all over.” 

They reached the park in no more than 5 minutes, like Phil said, walking slowly on the trail with their hands clasp together and shoulders brushing. Even though the sun was shining, the air was still cold, and Phil’s entire face was pink from it, his lips letting out visible puffs of air. 

“Phil?” Dan asked, watching the way Phil’s blue eyes moved to look right at him. He was wearing his glasses today, and they were slowly sliding off his nose. 

“Yes?” He answered, giggling a little when Dan reached out to push his glasses back into their place. 

“What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”

“Mhm… I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.”

“How do you feel about a party?” 

“A party?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t really like parties.” There was a crease between Phil’s eyebrows, and Dan couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. 

“It’s not a party party. Just… a house party. In my friend’s house. He invited us.” Dan clarified, even though he was starting to feel a little discouraged. 

“Us?” 

“Well, me, and whoever I want to bring with me, which happens to be you.” 

“You want to bring me to the party?” 

“Well, yes, who else would I want to go with?” 

Phil stopped walking, turning around to face Dan, blinking at him a few times before smiling big and bright at him, wrapping his arms around his neck, fingers playing with the fabric of his scarf. “Really? No one else you can think of?” 

“Well, I mean, there’s always Ezra,” Dan said, his hands finding their way to Phil’s waist. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, but I doubt they’re going to play Beethoven there, so he might riot.” 

Phil giggled, leaning forward to peck Dan on the lips. “Do you want to spend New Year’s Eve with me Dan?” He asked, a cheeky smile on his face. 

“I do.”

“Want to kiss me at midnight?” 

“Yes.” 

Phil leaned in again, letting his lips linger against Dan’s this time. “Let me think about the party a little bit, okay?” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“I just haven’t been to one in a long time.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“And parties make me nervous.” 

“Me too, sometimes. We really don’t have to go, we can do anything you want.” 

At that Phil kissed him again, sliding his hands to Dan’s chest and then down to grab his hands. “Let’s go home please, I’m freezing.” 

 

**************************************

 

They spent the rest of their day playing video games, trying to distract each other by stealing kisses and starting tickle fights. 

By 6 PM Martyn came back home with Cornelia by his side, and they decided to all watch a movie together. 

It was the first time Dan met Cornelia, and even though he was intimidated by her closeness to the Lester family at first, he couldn’t help but like her a lot. 

She was goofy and funny and easygoing, not unlike Martyn himself, and she seemed to get along with Phil really well. And most importantly, at least in Dan’s eyes, she seemed to be a big source of support to Martyn, helping him and being there for him over the years. 

Dan could figure out by now how protective over Phil Martyn was, how he took over the role of care giver and not just an older brother. How he made sure Phil had anything he needed, even if it meant not always having everything he wanted for himself. How his first thought was always to make sure Phil was okay. So Dan was glad to see someone taking care of him as well, putting him first. 

They put on a random film they found on Netflix, curling up on the couch next to each other. With Martyn in the room, Phil had more restraint, making sure to keep the exchange between him and Dan innocent and appropriate. But still, he was sitting as close as he could to Dan, pressed together as much as possible, one leg folded up on the couch and resting on Dan’s lap and head tucked under Dan’s chin. 

They ate dinner together after the movie, ordering pizza and playing a card game while waiting for it to arrive. By 10:30 Cornelia started yawning more and more, rubbing her eyes and explaining she hadn’t slept well the night before, causing Martyn to take her hand and drag her to bed at 11, wishing Dan and Phil a good night. 

“Good night,” Phil called after them, waiting until he heard the bedroom door shut close before turning to Dan with a cheeky smile. Before Dan could react, Phil was jumping on him with force, arms wrapped around Dan’s neck and pushing his body until he was lying back on the couch, making him let out a surprised squeak, landing with Phil lying mostly on top of him. 

“Hello,” Phil said, pushing himself up a bit so he could look at Dan’s face. 

“What was that for?” Dan asked, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist, trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart. 

Phil shrugged, leaning down to kiss Dan on the lips, and then on both his cheeks. “You’re just so cute, I couldn’t help myself.” He said, eyes sparkling and mouth stretched into a big smile, making Dan’s face heat up. 

“Is that so?” Dan tried to tease, but felt a little caught off guard when Phil responded with a sincere “Yes,” leaning in to kiss him again, letting his lips linger. 

When Phil pulled back, he shuffled a little on the couch, taking some of his weight off of Dan and settling next to him, head resting on his shoulder. “I love how well you get along with my family,” Phil said once he was done making himself comfortable. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes. I know… I know it’s not a big family. I mean, it’s basically just Martyn and Cornelia, you know? But they are all I have. I mean, except dad, but that’s… anyways, I wanted so badly for you to like them, and for them to like you. Because I, um, like you a lot.” 

Phil was mumbling and shoving his face into Dan’s shoulder to muffle to sound, and Dan could feel his entire body ache. He wished he could have met more of Phil’s family, could have introduced himself and proven to them how important Phil was to him. He wished Phil could have everything he wanted. Everything he deserved. 

“Do you now?” Dan asked, tightening his hold on Phil’s body, pulling him closer to himself so that the top of his head was pressed against Dan’s lips, allowing him to kiss it more easily. 

“Yes, I do. So much it feels a little ridiculous,” Phil responded, kissing Dan’s shoulder and hiding his face in the fabric of his jumper. 

Dan hummed in response, letting his arms move up and down Phil’s body, moving one hand to his head and scratching his scalp with blunt fingernails, feeling the way Phil melted under his touch. It wasn’t anything he didn’t know before, but hearing Phil say it like that, say how much he liked Dan, was making his entire body buzz with adoration. 

“I told my family, about you, when I was home for Christmas,” Dan said, because suddenly he remembered that in the midst of all the chaos, he forgot about that completely. 

“You did?” Phil asked, lifting up his head to look at Dan with round, surprised eyes. 

“Yes, is that okay?” 

“Of course it’s okay! I just didn’t think… never mind, what did they say?” 

“They were happy for me, I think. I was really miserable the last few times I was visiting home, so I think they were glad to see me feeling better.” Dan said, moving one hand to Phil’s face, tracing his features.

Phil’s face had a weird expression on it, a strange frown Dan didn’t know the source of, but didn’t like to see on Phil’s face at all. “Were you miserable because of Oliver?” Phil asked carefully, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to bring that name up. 

Dan felt his heart speed up at the mention, taking a deep breath to compose himself. “Yes, mostly, I guess. But it was everything else too.” He said. It was strange, talking so openly to Phil about that. To anyone, really. But he wanted to open up to Phil, to be able to talk to him about the hard things too, like Phil was doing with him. And even though he felt he couldn’t explain everything at once, like there was too much to be said, it was still a start. 

“And now?” Phil asked, looking at him intently. 

“Now?” 

“Do you feel miserable now?” 

“I… sometimes, when I think too much. It doesn’t just go away. Sometimes. But I’m happy, I am, most of the time.” Dan knew he wasn’t explaining himself well, but Phil seemed to understand. He leaned down, pressing his cheek to Dan’s, his lips tickling Dan’s ear. 

“Do I contribute to this happiness in any way?” He asked quietly, hands coming to rest on Dan’s shoulders for support. 

“You are a big part of it, yes,” Dan answered feeling his entire body heat up. 

Phil kissed the skin next to his ear, nuzzling his cheek. “You are a big part of mine too,” he said, pulling back to look at Dan. “I hate that you had to go through that. I hate that someone hurt you like that.”

“Phil,” Dan said, a beginning of a warning to his tone. 

Phil shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them to look at Dan again. “I won’t say a bad word about him again, ever. I promise. I just hate to think about you being so sad. I just want you to be happy. I really really want you to be happy Dan.” 

“You make me happy,” Dan said, his tone coming out sincere and intense and just a little bit unstable. There was a lot of emotions swirling in Phil’s eyes, and Dan assumed his didn’t look a lot different. And everything felt like too much for him at that moment, too much for him to handle, his body aching with everything that was said, so he cupped Phil’s cheeks in his hands, pulling him down to connect their lips together, feeling relief flooding his veins with the closeness. Phil didn’t protest, kissing back eagerly, hands still clutching Dan’s shoulders. 

When they pulled back, the atmosphere felt less charged, less heavy, and Phil smiled down at Dan, sweetly and gently before laying his head back on his shoulder, wrapping his arms around Dan’s middle and snuggling close. 

Dan wrapped his own arms back around Phil’s body, holding him tight and pressing a few kisses to his forehead, feeling Phil push into the action. 

“I love it when you kiss my forehead,” Phil mumbled, moving one hand to Dan’s chest and laying it right above his heart. 

“Well, it’s good that I love kissing it then,” Dan answered, pulling Phil impossibly close and pressing a stream of kisses to his skin, making Phil giggle. 

“I think I want to go to the party,” Phil said all of a sudden, catching Dan off guard, lips grazing Dan’s neck and making him shiver. 

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, because the last thing he wanted was for Phil to feel pressured. 

“I think so. You want to go, don’t you?” Phil asked, glancing up at him.

“I want to do whatever you want to do,” Dan answered, pulling a bit away from Phil so he could look at him easier. 

“Well, I just want to please you,” Phil retorted, smirking at Dan, and Dan had no doubt he knew exactly what his words were doing to Dan. 

Dan poked him in his stomach with the tip of his finger, making Phil squeal loudly and try to move away on the small couch. It didn’t work, only making him press closer to Dan’s body. “You’re being cheeky mister,” Dan said, not able to contain his smile. 

Phil giggled, wiggling his body to get comfortable again. “Sorry, sorry. But seriously, I do want to go if that’s what you want. I don’t want to prevent you from going. I just… get really nervous, when there are a lot of people.” Phil said, his voice getting quiet and reluctant towards the end of his statement.

They were silent for a few moments, while Dan was thinking about what to say, absentmindedly playing with Phil’s hair. 

“We really don’t have to go. We can stay here, if you want. Or do anything else.” He said eventually.

Phil lifted his head up from his shoulder again, looking at him with his big blue eyes, making Dan feel a little dizzy under his intense stare. 

“I want to go.” 

“You don’t have to-“ 

“No, Dan, I want to, I really do. But I have one condition.” 

“Okay?”

“You have to hold my hand, all the time, while we’re there.” He said, and something in the way he was looking at Dan made Dan’s heart speed up again.

“Okay.” he said, taking a hold of Phil’s hand and pressing it to his lips, mainly to distract himself from the way his stomach fluttered embarrassingly, but also to get the point across, moving his thumbs up and down Phil’s knuckles. 

“I’m serious, you have to hold my hand throughout the entire night, you can’t let go.” 

“Okay, I can do that.” He assured, looking at Phil’s eyes, watching the way they were watching him. Finally, Phil smiled, leaning down to peck him on the lips again and again, before pulling away and shyly asking Dan to stay the night again, if he wanted to, making warmth spread through Dan’s entire body. 

“I’ll be here as long as you want me to be,” Dan said, cupping Phil’s cheeks and feeling the way they moved to stretch into a bigger smile under his touch. 

“Forever, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! long time no see haha  
> i'm so sorry it took me so long to update this, if you follow me on tumblr (phantasticlizzy) you maybe know i had a few family things that i had to take care of :')  
> anyways, i hope this ridiculously long chapter makes up for it at least a little! please please let me know what you think as your comments mean a lot to me <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE'S ALIVE!! sorry for the wait guys haha. hope you'll like this!

Dan was knocking on Phil’s front door at 9 PM on the 31th, taking a step back and waiting for someone on the other side to open it for him. 

Phil spent most of the last 2 days at the hospital. His father’s condition was worsening quickly, he explained to Dan, so they haven’t got the chance to see each other, making do with texts and brief phone calls. Dan suggested they skip the party, feeling that going out to celebrate might not be appropriate with everything that was going on, but Phil insisted they should go. 

“It’s exactly why we should go,” Phil told him over the phone, voice exhausted and words a little slurred. “I could use a break if I’m honest.” 

Dan didn’t try to argue. The way in which Phil handled the tragedies in his family was still confusing to him, still caught him off guard from time to time, but he came to accept it. It made his heart ache, thinking about how Phil was already used to this. How his dad was just another person their family “curse” was going to eventually take. But he tried not to think about it too much. He knew how much he himself hated when people questioned his way of dealing with Oliver’s death, and he didn’t want to do the same to Phil. 

When the door finally opened, Dan was met with the sight of Martyn, looking him up and down. Martyn was wearing his weird, trousers/skirt again, a colorful jumper and a big, welcoming smile.

“Well, aren’t you looking dapper?” Martyn said, making Dan’s cheeks heat a little under his blunt stare. 

Dan was wearing a button down black shirt, black coat, his regular skinny jeans and his best looking dress shoes. He was pretty happy with himself when he looked at the mirror before heading out, nodding at his reflection with approval. But Martyn’s tone always had a layer of tease to it, which managed, sometimes, to make Dan a little flustered. 

“Thanks,” he said, following Martyn inside. 

“Phil! Your date is here! All dressed up for you!” Martyn called once they were inside, closing the door after them and moving towards the lounge with Dan strolling behind him, sitting down on the couch. 

There was a loud bang noise coming from Phil’s room, and a quick “I’m okay! Just a moment!” following right after.

 

Dan haven’t even seen him yet, but Phil was already making him smile, causing a flash of fondness to spread through his body. He really, genuinely, missed Phil a lot in the last 2 days, and it made him even more excited to spend New Year’s Eve with him. 

 

“he changed outfits like five times,” Martyn said, looking at Dan with a look that was half amused half despaired, “whatever he ends up wearing, just tell him it looks good, please, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your night here waiting for him to choose something else. “

 

“Will do,” Dan said, exchanging an amused look with Martyn. 

From their first meeting, Dan felt like it was easy for him to get along with Martyn. They didn’t have a lot in common, and Martyn had this strangely cool, a little bizarre aura around him that made Dan feel a little intimidated from time to time, but he felt like they both shared such a deep fondness towards Phil, a common desire to make him happy and content, that it made them automatically like each other. And maybe, Dan thought, Martyn was a little happy to take a step back, let someone else worry about Phil’s well-being for a change. 

“What are your plans for tonight?” Dan asked him, when waiting for Phil turned out to take more than ‘just a moment’, sitting down on the couch as well. 

Martyn looked almost surprised that Dan asked, but composed himself quickly, smiling a pleased smile. “Oh, Corn and I are going to a friend’s place as well, it’s a little out of town so we’ll be staying there till tomorrow.” he said, patting Dan’s shoulder and smirking a bit. “So the place is all yours, mate.” 

Dan couldn’t help but let out a loud, nervous laugh. “Thanks,” he said, trying to cover the way Martyn’s words were making something funny happen in his stomach. 

It’s not that the topic of sex embarrassed him, not really. But as much as Martyn was young and friendly, Dan still viewed him as a bit of a parental figure in Phil’s life, and hearing him teasingly hint at the subject made him feel uncomfortably warm in his winter coat.

But to Dan’s relief, at that moment Phil decided to finally enter the room, babbling “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m ready!” one hand subconsciously playing with the collar of his shirt. 

He was wearing a salmon colored jumper with big white cat whiskers on it. Under the jumper, he had a white button down shirt buttoned all the way to the last button, and his usual skinny jeans and white sneakers. Dan had no idea how someone could look so cute in his eyes, and yet so handsome, all at the same time. 

“Hey,” Phil said softly once his and Dan’s eyes locked, and Dan could feel a smile spreading on his face. 

“Hello yourself.” Dan got up and made his way to Phil, pressing his lips to his in a quick peck, ignoring the disapproving noises Martyn was making behind him. 

“Do I look okay?” Phil asked, before Dan had any chance to say something himself, pulling on the fabric of his jumper a little. 

“You look great,” Dan reassured. 

“Really?” 

“Yes.” 

“Isn’t this like… too pale?”

“I don’t think so.” 

“Because I usually don’t like wearing light colors, I’m already too pale myself.”

“Well, I really think it suits you.” Dan let his hand trail from Phil’s shoulder down his arm, linking their fingers when his hand found Phil’s. 

Phil’s face perked up, smiling big at Dan. “Thank you! Cornelia bought me this jumper for Christmas, I’ll tell her you approve,” he said, swinging their linked hands from side to side. “Oh, and you look really good too, by the way. Really really good,” Phil added, smiling cheekily at Dan. 

“Why, thank you,” Dan smiled back at him. 

“Argh, you guys are disgusting, get out of here with your honeymoon phase,” Martyn grumbled (even though Dan could clearly see from the corner of his eye that he was smiling), taking a pillow from the couch and throwing it at their direction. 

Phil giggled, letting go of Dan’s hand and sticking his tongue out at Martyn, making Martyn mirror the action. “Don’t worry, we’re going,” Phil said, adjusting his collar again. “Wish Corn a happy new year for me.” 

Martyn let out a little whiny noise, stretching his arms out and making grabby hands towards Phil. “What about me? Come give your brother a New Year’s kiss,” Martyn pouted exaggeratedly. 

Phil rolled his eyes, but the smile on his face was big and fond. He walked towards the couch where Martyn was sitting, putting two hands on his shoulders and leaning down to give him a loud kiss on the forehead. “Happy new year, I love you,” he said, squeezing Martyn’s shoulders before straightening up. 

“Love you too, little bro, have fun,” Martyn said, and his voice was softer than Dan was used to hearing it, less teasing. 

Dan found himself, not for the first time, a little jealous of Phil’s and Martyn’s relationship. Dan and his brother were never close. He used to blame it on their age difference, but at some point, when his brother grew up a bit, he knew it came down to a lack of effort on both sides. He loved his brother, the way a person has to love a family member, but they had no deeper connection than that. 

Dan felt like, in the past, all the familial closeness he desired he got from his relationship with Oliver. And it wasn’t like he and Oliver had a brotherly relationship, far from it (Dan felt uncomfortable even thinking about it in those terms), but he did provide Dan with all he craved for from his family – unconditional support, company, love and comfort. And somewhere along the way, he forgot that maybe his family, maybe Adrian, needed someone like that too. Needed an older brother like Martyn was to Phil. 

He also knew that a big reason for Phil’s and Martyn’s closeness was their life circumstances. They went through a lot together, lost so much, and probably learned to appreciate each other more. And Martyn, Dan had to admit, was just a really good older brother. He took upon himself to care for Phil, to provide him stability (as much as was possible in their situation) and familial warmth. He felt responsible for Phil’s well-being, even though Phil was an adult, and Dan admired that.

“Let’s go,” Phil said, after putting his puffy coat and mittens on (he didn’t put on a hat, in spite of Dan’s insistence, saying he didn’t want to mess up his hair).

“Let’s go,” Dan echoed, following Phil outside. 

______________________________________

 

They took the bus to PJ’s place, sitting near the back, Dan next to the window and Phil next to him. Phil didn’t waste any time, cuddling up to Dan as soon as they sat down, wrapping his arms around Dan’s arm and putting his head in his shoulders. 

The bus was surprisingly empty, only a few other people who didn’t pay them any attention, (except one young woman, who caught Dan’s eyes and smiled at him politely, nodding her head a little). 

“I missed you so much,” Phil said, rubbing his cheek against Dan’s coat. 

“I missed you too,” Dan said, and he didn’t even care how sincere he sounded. He did miss Phil, more than he thought was possible to miss someone in two days. 

Phil lifted his head a little, looking at Dan with his big blue eyes and pursing his lips in a silent request. Dan didn’t protest, leaning down and giving Phil a quick kiss, which seemed to leave Phil unsatisfied, letting out a whine, head-butting his shoulder and squeezing his arm. 

Dan chuckled, reaching his hand up and pushing Phil’s hair out of his face a little, kissing his forehead. “Sorry, but we’re on the bus,” Dan said, letting his hand slide down from Phil’s forehead to his cheek, pinching it a little and making Phil let out another protesting sound. 

“But I want to kiss you now!” he whined. 

“Be patient baby.”

At that Phil got quiet, lowering his head and burying it in Dan’s shoulder again. Dan could feel the heat from Phil’s face against the skin if his neck. “You can’t call me that when you don’t want me to kiss you. That’s like… a rule. If you call me cute names I’m going to snog your face off,” Phil mumbled, muffled by Dan’s skin. “You’ve been warned.”

Dan chuckled, trying to sound unaffected but failing miserably. “Noted,” he said. 

_______________________

The drive took less than 30 minutes, and in that time Phil managed to doze off on Dan’s shoulder, letting out little puffs of air against his neck. The young woman was still giving them little glances from her seat, but she was smiling a warm smile so Dan tried not to pay her too much attention. 

When they got to their stop Dan woke Phil up with a little shake and dragged him off the bus quickly, earning himself a stream of barely audible mumbles. 

Phil rubbed his eyes, yawning big and loud before attaching himself again to Dan’s side, making it a little hard for Dan to walk. 

“Tired?” Dan asked when Phil yawned for the third time. 

“A little.” 

“Are you sure you want to go to the party? We can always head back, have a night in,” Dan suggested, feeling a little guilty for dragging Phil out when he clearly needed the rest. They stopped walking, and Dan turned to look at Phil, trying to convey that the suggestion was a genuine one. 

Phil shook his head, looking at Dan with much more focused eyes. “No, I want to go, I want you to have a fun night with your friends, and I want to meet them,” he said, determined. 

Phil looked sincere, and Dan could feel warmth spreading from his chest to the rest of his body. Here he was, spending his New Year’s Eve with this adorable guy, who Dan knew was tired and spent and didn’t even liked parties all that much, who still wanted to go and have fun for Dan’s sake. To put it simply, Dan felt lucky. “Yeah, okay,” Dan said, smiling at Phil and starting to walk again. 

But to his surprise, Phil stopped him, grabbing the sleeve of his coat and making him turn back to face him.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked. 

Phil’s expression changed, looking a little sheepish, letting go of his sleeve and reaching up to play with the zipper of Dan’s coat. “Just… do you remember? What I said?” He asked, not meeting Dan’s eyes. 

“About what?” Dan asked, feeling confused by the sudden change in the mood. 

“About… you know…” he trailed off, sneaking one of his hands down Dan’s body and taking hold of Dan’s hand, squeezing tightly and finally lifting his eyes up to look at him. 

Oh. 

Dan certainly remembered. Spent the last 2 nights thinking about the odd request, and about Phil’s intense look when he told Dan his “condition”. 

“Yeah, of course,” Dan said, squeezing back. “I won’t let go.” 

“Promise?” Phil asked, and to Dan’s surprise he sounded a little nervous. 

“Yes,” Dan answered, trying to smile reassuringly. 

“No matter what?” 

“Yes.” 

Phil studied his eyes for a moment before he smiled, his expression changing into a sly one. “Even if you need to pee?” Phil asked, his tone joking. 

Dan shrugged. “We can leave a crack in the door. You’ll reach as far as you can in and I’ll reach as far as I can out, it’ll be fine.” 

Phil giggled, and Dan felt quite pleased with himself for making him relax. He let go of Dan’s hand, covering his face with his hands and shaking his head. “You don’t have to do that,” he said, tone a little whiny. 

Dan grabbed Phil’s wrists, pulling them away from his face. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, love,” he said, taking a step closer to Phil. 

Phil had an unreadable expression on his face, his intense eyes staring right at Dan’s. “I warned you about the cute names,” he said eventually, and before Dan had a chance to react, Phil launched himself forward, kissing him with force, wrapping his arms around his neck. 

Dan felt like the wind got knocked out of his lungs, and it took his a moment to register what was going on. But the street was empty and Phil’s lips were soft and eager, and really, Dan had no desire to protest. 

______________________

 

When they finally reached PJ’s and Sophie’s place, Phil was pressed closely to Dan's side, his cool hand was clutching Dan's tightly. He looked calm, smiling big and bright at Dan when he looked to see how he was doing. 

There was music and sounds of people talking coming from inside the flat, but they were faint, which made Dan feel some relief. He knew Phil definitely didn't want to spend his night at a loud, headache inducing party, and even though he knew PJ's party most likely wouldn't be like that, he was still a little nervous. 

He knocked on the door, squeezing Phil's hand a few times while waiting for it to open. The door was opened less than a minute later by a redheaded girl Dan vaguely recognized as one of Sophie’s friends, who smiled at them politely when they greeted her, telling them PJ was in the kitchen before leaving to get back to her friends. 

They took off their winter coats (Phil was laughing at Dan when he determinedly tried to do so without letting go of Phil’s hand, switching his hold to the other hand to take down each sleeve, making the process very complicated but absolutely worth the huge happy smile on Phil's face). 

When they were done, Dan tugged on Phil's hand to follow him, leading them to the kitchen area where they were met with the sight of PJ, taking out bottles from the fridge. PJ lifted his head up when he heard them approaching, a friendly smile finding its way to his face. 

“Well hello there, long time no see,” PJ said, putting the bottle in his hand on the counter and wiping his damp hand on his jeans before making his way to them. 

“Hey Peej,” Dan greeted back, patting PJ awkwardly on the shoulder, (after stepping forward for a hug and then changing his mind, remembering Phil's hand in his). If PJ was surprised by the strange greeting, he definitely didn't show it. “This is Phil,” Dan introduced, smiling at Phil with encouragement. 

Phil was smiling big right back at PJ, but his cheeks were a little pink and his look a little distant, which made Dan feel alert. “Hello,” he said, waving his unoccupied hand, “I think we actually know each other? Kind of.” 

PJ looked confused for a second, looking at Phil intently, before his eyes blew wide in realization. “Oh! We do!” He exclaimed, a genuine look of surprise on his face. “Good to see you man, I like your new hair,” PJ said, making Phil reach self-consciously to pet his black fringe. 

“Thank you! I wasn't too sure about the length, but I like it black,” Phil said.

“No no, it's a good length, don't worry,” PJ reassured, leaving Dan feeling slightly confused, even if quite happy to see PJ and Phil seemed to get along. 

PJ turned to look at Dan, his smile vaguely apologetic, as if he was saying sorry for confusing him. “We went to sixth form together. Both did A level art,” PJ explained, gesturing towards Phil with his thumb. “This guy always had the strangest looking art, our teacher didn't know what to do with it.” 

“Yeah… She never did understand my creative mind,” Phil said, shaking his head and making PJ laugh. 

Dan laughed too. It wasn't hard for him to imagine that the art Phil produced probably wasn't the most conventional.

“Oh man, this is such a small world. How did you guys meet?” PJ asked, gesturing to their joint hands. 

“We had Greek mythology class together this semester,” Dan answered, happy he could contribute something to the conversation. 

PJ’s eyes widened again, blinking in surprise. “Are you in the same uni as us, Phil? I didn't know that.” PJ exclaimed. 

“Umm, yeah I am. But it's okay! I took two gap years, so it's understandable you never saw me. Also I'm absent a lot,” Dan could feel Phil getting flustered, and was just about to change the subject when PJ spoke again.

“Right” he said, and his face had an unreadable expression on it that made Dan a little agitated for some reason, but he pushed the feeling aside. “I'm glad I got to see you now mate, it's been a long time, we need to catch up’” Phil smiled at him, nodding a little. “Grab yourself something to drink yeah? I'll go back to the lounge, rescue Sophie from hosting by herself,” he said, taking the bottle he took out earlier, raising it in a “cheers” motion before leaving to join the rest of his guests. 

When PJ was out of the room Dan turned to Phil, squeezing his hand tightly. “That’s such a strange coincidence,” Dan said, studying Phil’s expression. 

“Yeah,” Phil said quietly, looking somewhere to the left of Dan’s face, and Dan could feel an unexplainable pit of anxiety in his stomach. 

“Are you okay? You looked a little uncomfortable,” he asked. He needed Phil to say more. To explain why he looked so unreachable all of a sudden. 

Phil shook his head in dismissal, finally focusing on Dan’s eyes, making him relax a little. “No no, it’s okay, just wasn't expecting to see him after all these years,” he said, his unoccupied hand moving to Dan’s collar, smoothing the material between his fingers. 

“Did you… Not get along or something?” Dan asked carefully. 

“No, we actually did,” Phil said, smiling. “I told you I had… a bit of a reputation back in school. And people usually didn't really want to be my friends, at least if they weren't seeking… something else,” Phil said, his eyes dropping to his own hand on Dan’s collar, shrugging. And even though he tried to sound unbothered Dan knew he still was. “But PJ was always nice to me, we weren't really friends but he used to sit next to me in art class and talk to me about like… regular silly things. I was always looking forward to that.” Phil said, lifting his eyes and looking at Dan again, scrunching his nose in a way that really shouldn't be as adorable as it was. 

“Here I go again, making everything more complicated than it should be,” he said, shaking his head. “It's really okay. I just didn't expect to see him here, that's all,” Phil said, and Dan hated that Phil still felt the need to down play things he was feeling in front of him. 

But he said nothing, squeezing Phil's hand and leaning down to kiss his lips softly for a moment. “What do you want to drink?” Dan asked when he pulled away, pulling on Phil's hand to follow him to the fridge. 

Phil smiled a happy smile, even if it didn’t quite reach his eyes like usual, squeezing Dan's hand back. “Something sweet please.” 

Dan laughed, rolling his eyes but bringing Phil’s hand up to his lips for a quick kiss, making Phil beam at him.

“Of course that's what you want.” 

 

_____________________________________

 

Dan found, quickly enough, that Phil’s hand holding rule wasn’t nearly as restricting as he thought it would be. 

Sure, it was a little awkward greeting people, especially when he forgot about it a few times and ended up giving weird half gestures before remembering, getting some confused looks at the process. 

But it was also nice, grounding.

Phil’s hand was extremely soft to touch, slightly smaller than Dan’s and even after holding it for quite some time it still didn’t feel too warm against his. 

“I moisturize,” Phil said when Dan comment on the softness of his skin, his tongue getting a little loose after the 2 beers he had. 

Phil also wasn’t shy about cozying up to Dan, pressing closely and demanding attention. Usually, when they were in public, he did try to control Phil’s clingy tendencies a little, as public displays of affection tended to get him unnecessarily flustered and a little embarrassed. 

But this was a party, and PJ and Sophie were curled up together on the other sofa and so were a few other couples, and honestly, no one really seemed to care. 

From time to time, people came over to talk to them. Dan knew most of the people there at least by face, introducing them to Phil and letting his strangely charming boyfriend lead the conversations, smiling fondly when he said something odd enough to make the other person look at Dan for guidance, earning only an amused shrug in return. 

 

But for some reason, no one really stayed to talk to them for more them a few minutes, all making polite excuses to leave the conversation. 

“You just have an aura of a new, lovey dovey couple about you. Like you want to be left alone,” PJ said to Dan. They were talking in the hallway, while Dan was waiting for Phil to come out of the bathroom. (Dan did suggest he’d actually come and hold his hand while he peed, to which Phil whined loudly and covered his face again, making Dan feel like his heart might just explode out of his chest. He did, however, hover not far from the bathroom in the hallway, meeting PJ there when he went to take something from the other room). 

“I feel bad,” Phil said later. They were sitting on a two seater sofa, their heads resting next to each other on the back cushions, face to face, hands linked together between them. 

It was 3 minutes to midnight and all around them was a small buzz of excitement, people saying they should turn the TV on, to watch the fireworks. 

“About what?” Dan asked. He was studying Phil’s face closely for the last 20 minutes, noting every freckle, every smile line and every mole, letting his fingers go over the parts that felt extra special in his hazy mind, memorizing them by touch and making Phil giggle.

“We came here so you could have a fun night with your friends, but I ended up keeping you all to myself,” he said, his blue eyes looking a little dark in the dim light of the room. 

Dan smiled, closing his eyes when Phil’s hand came up automatically, poking his dimple. “Doesn’t matter. I think I mainly wanted to show you off a little anyway, let everyone see how lucky I am,” he said, and while he said it, he realized how true his words were. 

Sure, he wanted to see PJ, and spending the night with him and their university acquaintances was a nice way to spent New Year’s Eve, but he realized that most of all he wanted everyone to see how happy he finally was, how happy Phil was making him. 

How he wasn’t really interested anymore in going to random pubs with them for the sole purpose of trying to meet new people, and going on one unsuccessful date after the other, looking for something he didn’t actually think he’ll get to find again after losing it once before. 

He finally had what he was missing, and even though it made him feel a little bit childish, a little silly, he wanted everyone to see him like this; happy, content and with the greatest, most beautifully unique person by his side. 

Phil didn’t say anything, but when people started the countdown leading to midnight, Dan opened his eyes and looked at him. He almost felt the need to close them again right after, because Phil’s face was filled with so much emotion Dan wasn’t quite sure how to take it all in. 

There was softness in there, and something that looked like genuine awe and, dare he say, love, and Dan felt dizzy with it all. 

It looked like Phil was about to say something, but the clock hit 12 and everyone cheered, and Phil just shook his head before letting go of Dan’s hand and cupping his face, kissing him deep and slow, making Dan’s breath hitch. 

“Take me home please,” Phil said after pulling away, his face still only an inch away from Dan’s. 

“Are you tired?” Dan asked. His mind felt foggy and slow, but the instinct to take care of Phil was still there, strong as ever. 

Phil shook his head, smiling. “Not at all,” he said, kissing Dan again. “But I think we should really get home. I know how shy you are about PDA, and I don’t think you’re going to appreciate what I’m about to do to you if we won’t get to a privet place soon.”

Oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, so sorry for the long wait guys, life was crazy, i'll try to update more often from now on :')  
> please please tell me what you thought, and come say hello on tumblr! phantasticlizzy


	13. Chapter 13

They took a cab from the party back to Phil's place after saying a quick goodbye to PJ and Sophie, earning a knowing look and a smirk from both of them. 

Phil was uncharacteristically quiet on the way back, sitting on the far end of the backseat, looking through the window. 

Dan wasn't too worried though. His hand was still clasping Dan's, both resting on the seat between them, thumb rubbing Dan's knuckles up and down. His face was still flushing lovely pink and his lips were curved up in a barely there a smile. 

When they got to Phil’s building Dan payed the driver quickly, getting out of the car and walking a step behind Phil towards his apartment. The air between them was still charged, as if there was actual electricity circulating between their bodies, even though they weren’t touching anymore. He could feel his heart beating fast and loud in his chest, so loud that he suspected Phil could hear it as well when he was taking out his keys and opening the front door. 

He had no chance to dwell on it though, because the moment the door finally opened and Dan took a step forward after Phil, he found himself shoved against the wall, door shutting behind them, Phil’s lips against his. 

Phil never kissed him like that before, and Dan was definitely caught by surprise. The kiss was urgent and messy and needy, as if Phil was trying to get as much of Dan as he could with his lips, as if no matter how much he got it wasn’t enough, and Dan tried to keep up as best as he could. 

Phil’s hands were clutching his biceps tightly, almost painfully so, his coat covered chest was pressed against Dan’s, and it almost felt like their hearts were racing against each other, trying to see whose can beat faster. 

Dan’s mind was in a complete haze, his body working on instinct, kissing Phil and pushing back against his weight, gripping his sides with his hands. It all felt a little surreal. 

Phil only separated himself from Dan to take his own coat and shoes off, urging Dan to do the same. But before Dan managed to put his coat down, Phil was already launching himself back at him, shoving him a bit too enthusiastically in the process and making him bump his head on the wall with a loud bang. 

“Ouch,” Dan said, rubbing his head and letting out a nervous laugh. 

And just like that, the spell was broken.

Phil looked horrified, his eyes going wide and his hands flying up to cup Dan’s head, moving it from side to side, as if too check for any damage. “Oh my god! I’m so so sorry! Are you okay?” he asked, his tone high pitched and panicked. And Dan couldn’t help but feel fondness wash through his body, replacing some of the intense heat. This was the Phil he was used to. The sweet, clumsy, adorable Phil he couldn’t help but be enamored with. 

Maybe, Dan thought, they should slow down for a moment. 

“I’m fine, don’t worry,” he said, covering Phil’s hands with his own and taking them off his head, holding them tightly. 

“Are you sure?” Phil asked, and Dan fought the urge to roll his eyes at how genuinely concerned Phil sounded. 

“Yes,” he reassured. 

But the mortified expression on Phil’s face didn’t drop, and he covered his face with his hands with a loud groan. “I’m sorry!” he exclaimed into his palms, “Now I’ve ruined the mood.” He sounded so genuinely upset with himself that Dan started to actually feel a little bad for him. 

“Phil,” he said, earning only a small whine in response. “Phil, look at me,” he tried again, and even though he really did feel bad, he couldn’t help the smile that stretched on his face when he took hold of Phil’s wrists to pull his hands from his face, revealing Phil’s pouting lips and flushed cheeks. He was too endearing for his own good, even when he was being overdramatic. 

Dan leaned in, kissing Phil slowly and deeply, nothing like the way they were kissing only a minute ago. And even though it made him feel less hot, less charged with sexual energy, Dan loved it just as much. Loved the slow and caring movements of their lips against each other. Loved to feel everything and be able to appreciate everything between them with no rush. Loved to feel like they weren’t just racing for the sake of the finish line. 

Phil clung to him, fisting the front of his shirt and kissing back eagerly, but not speeding up the pace. 

They drew back after a minute, Dan’s hands still holding Phil’s wrists, and his thumb rubbing over Phil’s pulse point, that was still beating pretty fast. Their faces were still extremely close, and Dan could feel Phil’s puffs of breath against his upper lip. 

“You haven’t ruined anything you spoon,” Dan said warmly, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s, kissing him again quickly and softly. 

Phil blinked up at him, his eyes still looked a little distressed but his lips were curving up in a small smile. He stepped forward, burying his face in Dan’s neck and letting out a loud whine of frustration. “I literally gave you a head injury while trying to woo you. I’m such a flop,” he said, voiced muffled by Dan’s collar. 

Dan couldn’t stop himself from laughing at that, letting go of Phil’s wrists and winding his arms around his shoulders, squeezing him tightly. “God you’re such an idiot, what injury? I told you I’m fine,” he said, and his voice was so disgustingly fond even Phil didn’t have it in him to protest, only giggling against Dan’s neck, his breath tickling Dan’s sensitive skin there. “And besides, you don’t have to woo me. You’ve got me already, I’m yours.” 

Phil’s breath hitched at Dan’s words, and the sound made something in the room feel charged again. 

Except this time, the energy was calm, sweet, thick and caring in the best way. 

Phil wrapped himself completely around Dan’s middle then, head buried deep into Dan’s neck and hands clutching the back of his shirt. “When you say things like that, you make me think I’m dreaming,” he mumbled, shy, hiding his face in Dan’s skin. 

“I’m not exciting enough to dream about,” Dan tried to dismiss, because his cheeks were getting warmer and warmer and his chest tighter and tighter and there were words on the tip of his tongue he wasn’t sure he should say just yet, so he held them back, for now. 

Phil pulled away at that, looking at Dan intently, his face flushed and intense and Dan wasn’t sure how long he could look at those eyes before he explodes. “You’re everything I ever dreamed of,” Phil said, and the sincerity in his voice made something akin to a volcano erupt in Dan’s stomach and fill his entire body with unbelievably warm, fluttering butterflies. 

Phil had the amazing ability to say the most sincere, open things without so much as a blink, and no matter how many times he said things like that Dan still couldn’t get used to it. Wasn’t sure he ever could. 

So he said nothing, leaning down to kiss Phil again, trying to convey at least a little what he was feeling at that moment. Trying make Phil understand. 

Phil tugged on his hand, pulling him away from the wall and after him, disconnecting himself from his lips but giving him the loveliest smile before leading him to his bedroom. 

There was nervous energy buzzing under Dan’s skin when they entered the room. Phil let go of his hand, moving to sit on the bed, looking up at him shyly with his blue blue eyes. 

“Come here please,” Phil said, making grubby hands towards him. Dan let out a nervous chuckle, moving to sit next to him, their knees touching. 

He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He wasn’t entirely new to sex and intimacy, not really. He and Oliver had their experiences (even though, as teenagers, they pretty much stuck to the basics), and he did have a few intimate relationships with people he dated for short periods of time after starting university. But something about this night made him feel like it was the first time, like he didn’t know what to do with his hands and mouth and body. He wanted, desperately, to make anything they’d do feel amazing for Phil. 

Phil giggled then, out of nowhere, making Dan snap out of his thoughts. “My heart is beating so fast,” he said, putting one hand on his chest and shaking his head. “We’re being silly,” he added before cupping Dan’s cheeks with his cool hands and leaning in to kiss him softly, soft lips gliding over his. Dan took a few moments to respond, letting himself be kissed before moving his hands to Phil’s waist, kissing back with a little more heat. 

Phil moved them then, pushing Dan to lie on his back and hovered over him, leaning down to kiss him again, letting his tongue lick its way into Dan’s mouth, gently exploring. 

He pulled back after a minute, eyes locking with Dan’s. “Thank you for tonight. For taking me to the party and holding my hand. I know… I know it was a weird thing to ask,” Phil said, and his voice was so sincere and his cheeks were so flushed and all Dan wanted was to kiss him again. 

“I didn’t mind it, really,” Dan said, lifting his hands and putting them on Phil’s cheeks, thumbing under his eyes and watching the way they fluttered shut at the touch. He pulled him down then, kissing his jaw and the corner of his mouth and finally his lips, holding his face close. 

When Phil pulled away, Dan almost whined in protest, but then Phil’s lips were moving down to his neck, kissing there lightly and all he could do was gasp. 

“I want to make you feel good Dan,” he said against his skin, leaving another soft kiss. “Tell me how to do that.” 

“My, uh, neck. It’s a good place to start,” Dan mumbled, embarrassed, feeling the vibration of Phil’s laughter against his skin. 

Phil kissed his neck again then, this time applying more pressure, letting his wet tongue swipe against the warm skin, making Dan shudder. 

Phil moved his legs, straddling Dan’s thighs and sitting up. Dan looked with half hooded eyes as Phil took the hems of his jumper in his hands, lifted up and tossed it aside, leaving him in his white button down. 

He reached down, hands playing with the top button of Dan’s shirt. “Can I?” he asked, a little shyly. Dan nodded, feeling Phil’s fingers starting to work on each button, taking his time. When he finished, he pushed the fabric off of Dan’s shoulders, helping him sit up a bit to take the shirt off completely. 

Phil moved his hands from Dan’s shoulders to his chest, putting his palms flat above his rapidly beating heart. 

“So beautiful,” he said, and before Dan had the chance to respond Phil was leaning down, sucking on the skin of Dan’s collarbone and making him arch into the touch. 

“I want to touch you, is that okay?” Phil asked, his lips still against Dan’s skin, but his big eyes peeking up from under his eyelashes and making Dan feel dizzy. 

“Yeah, that’s… yeah,” was all Dan could muster before Phil was kissing down his body and towards his stomach. 

Dan wasn’t really hard yet, even though he was definitely turned on, but the moment Phil’s hand found his crotch and pushed down, he felt a jolt of arousal go through his body, making him let out a loud breath, his hips bucking a little into the touch. 

Phil let out a breath as well, fingers fumbling with the button and zipper of Dan’s jeans before pushing them down Dan’s body, taking his pants off as well. Dan lifted his hips to help, wiggling out of his last pieces of clothing, both of them giggling at his awkward movements. 

When he was finally naked, Phil took a moment to look at him, his eyes going up and down his body, and Dan had to fight the urge to cover himself up. 

He wasn’t particularly insecure about the way he looked, but something about Phil’s intense eyes studying him like that, while he himself was still completely clothed, looking like he was trying to memorize every curve and bump on Dan’s body, made it all feel more intimate than he ever remembered feeling in similar situations. 

Phil reached his hand down tentatively then, fingers skimming over Dan’s skin gently before wrapping them around his length. Not surprisingly, they felt too cold against Dan’s warm skin. 

Dan couldn’t help but flinch from the touch a little, causing Phil to flinch away as well, looking a little panicked from Dan’s reaction. 

“Cold,” Dan said with a laugh before Phil had a chance to freak out. 

Phil let out a breath in relief, his cheeks becoming darker. “Sorry!” he exclaimed, bringing his hands together and rubbing them fiercely. 

Dan let out a chuckle, feeling lightheaded and ridiculously fond, taking Phil’s hands in his own and bringing them to his face, blowing hot air on them and squeezing them between his own warm fingers. 

He repeated the action a few times until the skin of Phil’s hands started to feel at least a little warmer, concluding his treatment with a kiss to the tip of each finger. “There you go,” he said, feeling a little proud of himself when he looked up and saw Phil’s face had somehow managed to become even pinker. 

Phil smiled shakily, letting out a nervous giggle and brought his hands back down, one gripping Dan’s cock lightly and one resting on his thigh. Dan hummed in appreciation, encouraging Phil to wrap his hand around him tighter and start to move it, making Dan let out a small noise, his cock growing harder in Phil’s hold. 

The last time Dan was in a position similar to this with someone he truly cared about was with Oliver, and Dan’s mind couldn’t help but think about that at that moment, couldn’t help but compare. He was mad at himself, a little, for thinking about someone else while being like that with Phil, while having Phil touch him and care for him. But the images were right there at the surface, waiting to float up whether he liked it or not. 

Phil’s hands were a little smaller, Dan noticed, even though his fingers were longer, and their touch was a little softer, a little slower than Oliver’s. Oliver’s touches were always fast, tight, driven by teenage hormones and the desire to get each other off. And Dan liked that, at the time, felt hot all over and satisfied, didn’t ever think he would want something else, someone else to touch him. They were used to each other, used to each other’s bodies, and that was always good enough for him.

But now… it felt different, gentler, new. Phil was studying his body, studying his reactions, trying to get to know him better with his hands. He was taking his time, getting familiar with every part of Dan’s cock, trying to figure out where he should press harder and when he should speed up the pace. 

And it felt so good, to be cherished like that, to be showered in this kind of attention, and he hated that he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little guilty. Guilty for giving himself like that to someone who wasn’t Oliver, guilty for realizing that even with Oliver, he never felt quite like this before. 

Phil stopped his motion suddenly then, making Dan open his eyes (when did he close them?) and look at him with confusion. 

“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked softly, his hand still gripping Dan’s cock, unmoving.

“You. This,” Dan said, because it was mostly true and he wanted to sooth the worry in Phil’s eyes, even though he wasn’t quite sure what put it there. 

Phil let go of his cock, leaning down and kissing his lips softly before letting his entire body weight rest on top of Dan, head buried in his neck. 

“When we do… things like this, you’re not allowed to think about anything but me,” he said, and the tone of his voice was unreadable, making Dan’s chest tight. 

“Okay,” he said, hand reaching up to push Phil’s hair back, kissing his forehead. 

Phil nuzzled deeper into his skin, hands reaching up to tangle in Dan’s hair. “I’m serious. I had enough of being a second choice. Enough for a lifetime.” He said, voice quiet and timid. “When we’re like this, together, I need you to choose me and only me, and I need you to tell me when you can’t.” 

Dan’s entire body ached, and he wanted, desperately, to give Phil everything he wanted, everything he deserved. To never let doubt and uncertainty seep into his voice ever gain.

“Okay,” he said again. 

Phil lifted his head, eyes searching Dan’s, and when he couldn’t find any dishonesty in them, something about his face softened again. “I trust you,” he said, and nothing Phil ever said to him before felt as significant as those 3 words felt at that moment. 

Phil leaned down to kiss him, soft and slow, before kissing his way down his body again and settling between Dan’s legs on his front. But this time, he didn’t stop at his stomach, kissing down until he reached the tip of Dan’s cock, giving the head a small lick. 

Dan’s hips bucked up from the sudden pleasure, a small moan escaping his lips. 

Phil put both his hands flat on Dan’s thighs, holding him down. “I have a pretty strong gag reflex, so I need to go slowly, sorry,” he said, a little sheepish, looking up at Dan. 

“Yeah, sorry, I’ll be good,” Dan said, and felt the warmth in his chest trying to burst out of his body when Phil smiled at him, leaning down to kiss his inner thigh in approval. 

When Phil’s mouth found its way back to Dan’s cock, Dan was prepared, stopping himself from thrusting up into the warm feeling. 

He wrapped his lips around the head, tongue dipping inside Dan’s foreskin, fingers wrapping around the rest of him, moving and twisting. He sank down slowly, breathing heavily through his nose, sucking and moving his tongue experimentally. 

And maybe it was because it had been so long since the last time Dan was in this position, but Phil’s mouth felt so good, and he felt himself getting aroused embarrassingly quickly, letting out deep noises of satisfaction. 

Phil pulled up to take a breath, replacing his mouth with his hand. “Can you maybe… talk to me? I feel better when I hear your voice.” Phil said quietly, resting his head on Dan’s hip in embarrassment. 

Dan felt some of the blood rush back to his face, and he was pretty sure he was as red as a tomato. “Yeah, that’s… sure,” he said eloquently, feeling Phil press his lips to his hip.

“Also, play with my hair please,” Phil added quickly, not letting Dan respond before sinking back down on his cock and making Dan let out a loud moan. 

“Shit, Phil,” Dan said, his hands reaching down as requested, tangling in Phil’s hair. “You feel really good,” he added, feeling Phil hum in appreciation.

Phil started bobbing his head in earnest, hands working on the parts he couldn’t reach. And the sight of it alone (Phil’s concentrated face, his pink lips stretched around him, his blue eyes watering a little), was making Dan feel already pretty close to the edge only after a few short minutes. 

“You’re so good like this Phil, so good,” He said, his mind a bit hazy but not missing the whine his words caused Phil to make. Not missing the way Phil’s hips started to move against the mattress. Not missing the way he sped up his actions. 

And, fuck, the realization that Phil liked that, liked hearing how good he was, how good he made Dan feel, got off on it even, made Dan feel ridiculously close. 

“I’m close,” he warned, tugging a bit on Phil’s hair. 

Phil kept his movement for a few more seconds before pulling away and letting his hands take over, one gripping Dan’s cock, moving up and down and one reaching below to tug on his balls. 

And that all it took, apparently, to push Dan over the edge with a soft cry, feeling waves of pleasure spread from his abdomen to the tips of his toes, body arching from the mattress. 

Phil worked him through it, letting go only when Dan started to flinch from his touch, laughing a little and covering his face, rolling to his side. “That was… really good,” Dan said when he composed himself, letting his hands drop and looking up at Phil’s pleased face. 

“Really?” Phil asked, but Dan could see the little smug smile on his lips beneath the innocent act. 

“Yes,” he said, not wasting time and sitting up suddenly, tugging on Phil’s shirt. “Get this off, it’s your turn.”

At that moment, despite feeling quite spent, there was nothing Dan wanted more than to make Phil feel just as good as Dan was feeling. To do anything he could to make Phil fall apart under his touch. 

Phil obliged with a soft giggle, letting Dan pull off his shirt over his head (ignoring the buttons), getting up to pull down his jeans and pants unceremoniously before settling back down next to Dan, cheeks pink and cock half hard. 

“Tell me what you want,” Dan said, hands finding their way to Phil’s sides, squeezing the soft flesh. 

“Sit against the headboard please,” Phil asked, a little shy, and Dan kissed him softly before complying. 

Phil crawled to him, his pale skin flushed a lovely pink from his cheeks to his chest, settling himself down on Dan’s lap, arms wrapping around Dan’s neck, cock pressed against Dan’s stomach, burying his face in Dan’s shoulder and breathing in. 

“It feels best to me like this, when we’re close,” he said sheepishly, and Dan felt his chest getting warmer again at his words. 

“I like it too,” he said, pulling on Phil’s shoulders to get him to sit up, leaning to kiss him deep and slow, wanting to get the sensual atmosphere back. 

Phil kissed back, pressing himself as close as possible to Dan’s body, cock thrusting a bit against Dan’s lower stomach. Dan’s cock gave a small pitiful twitch of interest, but hadn’t managed to do much else only a few minute after his orgasm. 

Besides, Dan though, it was for the best. He wanted to focus all his attention on Phil right now, wanted to make sure Phil felt as best as he could. 

He pulled back from Phil’s lips, kissing down his jaw to his neck sucking lightly near Phil’s Adam’s apple, earning a soft whine. 

“Touch my nipples. They are, uh, sensitive,” Phil said, his voice trembling a little. 

Dan followed the instructions, wiggling his hands between their bodies and pressing his thumbs to both of Phil’s nipples, circling the nubs gently. 

The reaction was immediate, almost alarmingly so, taking Dan by surprise. Phil let out a high pitched whine, cock grinding against Dan, getting harder, face falling back to Dan’s neck, breathing harshly. 

“You weren’t kidding,” Dan tried to tease, but his own voice was breathless, excited. He repeated the action, following it by pinching one of Phil’s nipples lightly, making him whine again, but pull away from the touch. 

“Too much,” he mumbled, kissing Dan’s neck softly where his lips rested. 

Dan rubbed the skin in apology for a few moments before moving on from his nipples, letting his fingers skim up and down Phil’s sides, studying every curve, feeling the way his fingers left a trail of goosebumps after them wherever they touched. 

“Your skin is so soft,” Dan said without thinking, feeling himself flush a little when he realized he said it out loud. 

Phil giggled, kissing his neck again, “I moisturize,” he said for the second time that night. 

Dan let one of his hands sneak back between their bodies then, moving down Phil’s stomach until he reached what he was looking for, taking a hold of Phil’s cock in his hands and squeezing, thumb swiping against the slit. Phil’s hips jerked up at that, his hold on Dan’s neck became tighter, nose nuzzling deeper into his skin. 

“Tell me what feels good,” Dan said, starting to work Phil’s cock, trying to find a rhythm that worked for Phil. 

The position was a little awkward, with their bodies pressed so close together, but Phil didn’t seem to mind. On the contrary, every time Dan did something particularly right, Phil only pressed closer, leaning more of his weight against Dan, trying to muffle his loud moans against Dan’s skin. 

He was thrusting his hips in time with Dan’s movements, clinging and kissing and occasionally biting Dan’s shoulders, pulling a little on the hairs on the back of Dan’s head. 

“Wait, can you…” Phil trailed off, straightening up a bit. Dan stilled his motion, hand still on Phil’s cock, waiting to see what Phil wanted him to do. 

Phil took a hold of Dan’s other hand, bringing it to his mouth and, much to Dan’s surprise, took one of Dan’s fingers into his mouth, lapping it with his wet tongue. 

Phil was blushing dark pink, but kept his eyes locked with Dan’s when he took his finger out of his mouth, tugging on his hand and bringing it down and behind him, pressing the wet finger to his hole. Dan thought he might die right at that moment, just like that, going by the way his heart was racing in his chest. 

“Can you…? Just the tip, just a little,” he said, and Dan just nodded, because he didn’t think he could actually speak at that moment. 

Dan pressed gently, just a little, like Phil asked, feeling a soft heat engulfing his finger. 

Phil let out a loud breath, his face dropping back down to Dan’s neck, kissing it again in appreciation. 

Dan resumed the movements of his other hand again, feeling the way pre cum was leaking out of Phil’s cock, spreading it down his length. He moved his finger in and out gently, remembering that they didn’t actually used any lube, not going deeper than the first knuckle. 

It seemed, though, that it was more than enough for Phil, and he was letting a stream of muffled noises, pushing his body down against Dan’s finger and up towards Dan’s hand. 

Dan, trying to maximize Phil’s pleasure, reached to rub the skin of Phil’s rim with his thumb, right next to his finger, making Phil let out a surprised “oh!” and suddenly release over Dan’s hand and between their bodies, breathing harshly. 

Dan drew his finger back when Phil was done, as well as his hand, wiping it on Phil’s sheets and winding his arms around Phil’s spent body, holding him close and kissing the top of his head. 

It took a few minutes for Phil’s breathing to slow down back to normal, but Dan honestly didn’t mind. He let himself bask in that moment, let himself cling back just as hard as Phil, let himself feel the mutual adoration and marvel at the way Phil’s pliant body was leaning on him completely for support. 

“You’re like, the best person in the world,” Phil said when he composed himself, and Dan could do nothing but laugh, happy, taking in a big breath, his arms and nose and mind filled with nothing else but Phil Phil Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was really nervous for this chapter, so i hope you liked it!!  
> please tell me your thoughts, as those always make my day :') 
> 
> and come say hello on tumblr! @phantasticlizzy


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning Dan woke up with a mouth full of black hair and a heavy weight settled entirely on his chest. The room was uncomfortably bright, his body numb and his mind still hazy, but even in his half aware state he still couldn’t stop the smile that stretched on his lips. 

He could feel Phil’s chest rising and falling against his side, his skin bare and cool, curled entirely into Dan’s body, trying to soak as much heat as he could. 

He looked down to watch his face, noting the way his lips were a little parted and few drops of drool were settled on the corner of his mouth, threatening to reach Dan’s collarbone with every huff of breath. 

Dan felt ridiculous. How could drool look so endearing to him? He let out a muffled chuckle, trying not to wake up Phil. for a lack of better word, he felt… giddy. 

Last night after they were done, they took a shower together. They scrubbed each other’s bodies, soft smiles pressing to wet shoulders and hands and lips, keeping it innocent and sweet. 

“I want to take a shower with you,” Phil said when he was still half sitting half lying on Dan’s lap, his arms moving lazily up and down Dan’s back. “But I want it to only be a shower tonight… I just want to be close to you right now, is that okay?” Dan was quick to agree, craving the closeness as well. 

To Dan, it was a whole other level of intimate. Washing each other, looking at each other’s bodies with no lust or desire to mask the flaws, the imperfections that still somehow felt perfect at that moment, because they were parts of the other. 

He blushed a little at the memory of washing Phil’s hair, the way Phil closed his eyes and leaned into his hands, making small noises of pleasure. Somehow, it felt just as intimate as what they did earlier that night, if not more. Seeing Phil so relaxed and exposed in front of him felt like something to be treasured. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden movement against him and the sound of a quiet groan, letting him know that Phil was waking up as well. 

“mhmm,” Phil hummed, stretching his arms and almost hitting Dan in the face before settling back down, turning his head to blink up at Dan. “Good morning,” Phil mumbled, reaching to touch Dan’s cheek with a clumsy hand, smiling sleepily. 

“Good morning,” Dan said back, leaning down to kiss Phil’s lips, keeping it short and sweet, making Phil whine in protest and chase his lips when he pulled away. 

“Kiss me more,” Phil demanded, his eyes looking unfocused without his glasses but he still managed to pout right at Dan. 

Dan chuckled, leaning down to quickly peck Phil’s lips again. “I have morning breath,” he said, feeling himself flush a little. 

Phil scrunched his nose. “So do I, I don’t care,” he said, pushing Dan back on his pillow and rolling himself on top of him with one smooth motion, legs straddling Dan’s thighs. “It’s not gross if we’re both gross,” he declared. 

Dan couldn’t help the grin that spread on his face, making Phil reach down to poke his dimple, thumb lingering. 

“Is this like, a law?” Dan asked, hands settling on Phil’s bare hips, right above the waistband of his pants, marveling the soft skin under his fingertips. 

“It’s a house rule.” Phil said, moving his hand from Dan’s cheek down to his collarbone, tracing it with his fingers. “When you’re staying in this house you have to share nasty morning breath kisses with me. It’s just the way it is,” he exclaimed. 

“Well, I definitely don’t want to be a rude guest so …” Dan moved his hands to Phil’s shoulders, pulling him down to meet his lips. Phil kissed back eagerly, humming contently into the kiss, tongue pushing against Dan’s lips. 

Phil was right, Dan thought, it didn’t feel gross at all. 

 

***********************************

 

Martyn and Cornelia were back half way through Dan and Phil’s make out session, with Martyn declaring their arrival very loudly, banging on Phil’s bedroom door (That, to Dan’s relief, was closed) and ordering them to put on some clothes and come join them for breakfast. 

Phil giggled, though his cheeks were flushed bright pink and his tone a little high pitched, rolling over from Dan and getting up, telling him he was going to get ready in the bathroom. 

After they both got dressed quickly, they joined Martyn and Cornelia in the kitchen, getting a cheery ‘good morning’ from Cornelia and a sly smirk from Martyn. 

“How was your night boys?” He said, obnoxiously wiggling his eyebrows and earning himself a punch in the arm from Cornelia. 

“It was really nice, and yours?” Phil said, ignoring the implication of Martyn’s words. 

They ate breakfast while telling each other about their night (though, Dan noticed, it was mostly Martyn and Phil talking animatedly while Dan and Cornelia listen with fond expressions on their faces), and Dan found himself, once again, feeling completely at ease in the company of these people, who were only in his life for the last few weeks. 

The Lester boys were both undoubtedly charming and endearing (even if a little strange), each in his own way, and Dan couldn’t help the warm feeling spreading in his chest, making him hope that maybe, if he’s lucky, he would get to be a part of this small, slightly broken family, for a long long time. As long as they’ll have him. 

(Forever, if possible.) 

 

***********************************

“I need to go to the hospital today,” Phil said once Dan opened the door, stepping back into Phil’s bedroom. 

After breakfast, Dan excused himself to go take a quick shower, getting ready for the day and straightening his “hobbit hair” (a nickname given to him courtesy of his younger brother) in front of the bathroom mirror. (Last night, after showering and letting his hair dry as it is, Phil spent another 20 minutes before going to sleep cooing and playing with Dan’s curls, so Dan really couldn’t complain much.) 

“Oh. Okay,” Dan said, not sure how to respond. 

Phil looked sheepish. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his lap, sparing Dan a few quick glances. “I’m sorry, I know we said we’d spend the day together but the hospital called while you were showering.” Phil said, and Dan hated how actually apologetic he sounded about something he couldn’t control. “He’s really bad today. He’s not willing to eat anything and he’s not letting the nurses change him or give him medication. I have to go help,” Phil explained, and Dan felt his heart ache in his chest. 

He moved forward, taking a sit next to Phil and taking his hand in his own, squeezing tightly, hoping his touch could do something to soothe Phil’s worries. There was something he wanted to ask Phil for a few days now, ever since their talk. And even though he hated pushing, believed he should give Phil space to decide what he wanted to do, there was a strong feeling in is guts telling him that if he wouldn’t ask now, he might not get another chance. 

“Phil… do you think that it might be okay if I joined you today? To the hospital, I mean,” he asked, watching Phil’s face carefully. 

Phil lifted his eyes, looking at Dan with surprise and something similar to bitterness (Dan wasn’t sure though, as the expression wasn’t familiar to him on Phil’s face). “I don’t think you really want that,” he said, and Dan had to stop himself from snapping at that. Phil couldn’t decide for him what he wanted. “It’s not… easy, or nice. There’s really not much of his mind left to actually talk to, or get to know, or… I don’t know. I don’t know what you think you’ll get from meeting him but you probably won’t get it.” 

Phil’s tone was almost indifferent, dismissive, but Dan could tell how hard it was for him to say, to accept everything that was going on. And he really, really didn’t want to let Phil handle it all by himself. Not anymore. 

“I’m not trying to get anything, I just want to go with you, be there with you. You can say no if you don’t want me there, but I’m not expecting anything from meeting him,” Dan tried to keep his voice calm, soft, not wanting to push Phil. because Phil wasn’t completely wrong, even though Dan wouldn’t tell him that. He did want to meet Phil’s dad, before it was too late. Did want to meet the person who raised Phil, even though he knew he probably won’t achieve anything by meeting him.

Phil looked unsure for a moment, searching Dan’s face for an answer. “If you really want to,” he finally said, shrugging, but his lips curved up a little, making Dan smile back. 

“I do,” he said, squeezing Phil’s hand again. 

“But you can tell me if you want to leave early, okay? I wouldn’t mind, really.” 

“Okay.” 

“I won’t have much time to pay you attention, I’ll have things I’ll need to do, so it might get boring.”

“I don’t mind.” 

“Maybe bring your laptop? You could study a bit, at least then the day won’t be a complete waste.” 

“Okay.” 

Phil looked at him again, studying his face with an expression Dan wasn’t able to read before leaning in to kiss him softly on the lips, pulling away before Dan had a chance to respond and burying his face in Dan’s neck, rubbing his cheek against Dan’s collar. 

“Give me a few minutes to get ready, and then we can go,” he said, not lifting his face from Dan’s neck, his cold nose making Dan shiver. 

“Okay.” 

 

************************************

 

The hospital had a distinct smell to it that Dan recognized as sanitizer and something a little stale. The walls were white and bare and even though it was January it felt like they didn’t turn on the heat. 

Phil was walking ahead of him, leading the way with confidence only someone who’s been in a place many times before could possess. 

Dan hasn’t been in hospitals many times in his life. He didn’t really think about it before, but now, being there, the realization that he didn’t really know what to expect hit him all of a sudden. 

He felt out of place, like he wasn’t supposed to be there, disturbing people and intruding their personal bubble, seeing them when they didn’t want to be seen. He tried to shake the feeling off, focusing on Phil’s back, walking closer to him. 

Phil’s father was located in the oncology ward, and Dan watched silently as Phil greeted the nurses good morning, smiling at them and exchanging pleasantries. Dan tried not to stare at the patients walking up and down the corridor, looking pointedly at Phil’s face, at the way his lips were curved in a smile while saying something to a young looking woman in blue uniforms. 

“My dad is over there,” Phil said to Dan, pulling him out of his thoughts, pointing at one of the rooms in the far end of the white corridor. “Do you want to go in with me?” he asked, sounding a little unsure. 

Dan swallowed, mustering a reassuring smile. “Yeah, of course.”

The room was small but privet. Phil explained that his father requested a privet room when he was first admitted, and even though he wasn’t coherent enough at this point to really care, Martyn and Phil continued to pay for the privet room, wanting to respect their father’s wishes. 

The walls in the room were white as well, and there was nothing but a tall nightstand next to a hospital bed, a small sink in the corner and a few beeping machines. 

Dan almost missed the figure on the bed, noticing the pale, hollow cheeks peeking out from under the blanket only after Phil approached the bed, putting his hand on the person’s forehead. 

Phil’s dad appeared very small on the large bed, his blue eyes dull and lifeless and his lips thin and chapped. He didn’t look very alive, Dan thought with a shudder, following behind Phil, keeping a safe distance. From a closer look, he could see the way the blankets were moving up and down slowly with the man’s breathing, and the way his blue eyes blinked up at the ceiling before turning a little to the side to look at Phil. 

“Hey dad,” Phil said with a smile, moving his hand and replacing it with his lips, lingering. “You’re feeling a little warm,” he added after pulling away, adjusting his father’s blanket a little so that more of his face would be visible. The man blinked up at him, not showing any reaction. Dan felt a little bit sick.

“I heard you’re causing nurse Janice troubles again?” Phil said, chuckling a little. Again, there was no reaction, but Dan could swear those small eyes were fallowing Phil’s movements carefully. “You shouldn’t do that. I know she’s not the most… pleasant woman, but she’s just doing her job.”

Dan had no idea how this man could cause anyone troubles, as it didn’t look like he could protest or even register what was going on around him very well. But he kept quiet, watching the interaction carefully. 

The man blinked up at Phil again, looking almost bored with the conversation, before his eyes moved, and to Dan’s surprise, landed on him. He had to fight the instinct to take a step back, away from the hollow stare, mustering all his will power to stay put. Phil followed the look, looking a little surprised himself but sending Dan a reassuring smile. “Oh! Dad, this is Dan, he’s going to spend some time with us today, is that okay?” 

The man didn’t give an answer, but he moved his eyes away from Dan, turning his gaze to the other side, looking almost stubborn. Dan let out a breath.

Phil giggled. “Oh, don’t be like that! Dan is really nice, I promise.” Phil turned around, looking at Dan with an apologetic smile before turning back to his dad. Phil moved his hand to the thin hair on the top of his father’s head, trying to appease him with gentle motions. To Dan’s surprise, the man closed his eyes to the touch. “I have to go and speak with the doctor real quick, okay?” Phil asked, not stopping the movement of his hand. “I promise it won’t take long.” 

The man had no visible reaction to his words, not opening his eyes even, so Phil stepped away from the bed with a gentle squeeze of his shoulder, getting back to Dan’s side. 

“You can wait outside until I’m back if you’re uncomfortable here by yourself… or you can stay, whatever you want,” Phil said, and Dan wanted to tell him to stop worrying about him, stop focusing on Dan’s comfort when the idea of this was for Phil not to be alone, for someone to be there with him to help. Dan started to understand how naïve he was to think he could be of any use in this situation. Still, he was determined to try. 

“It’s okay, I’ll wait here, keep your dad some company,” Dan said, his fingers moving to brush against the back of Phil’s hand, trying to convey that it was okay, that he didn’t need to worry about Dan at the moment. 

Phil looked like he was about to say something, but ended up just smiling and nodding, turning his palm to let his fingers briefly squeeze Dan’s before exiting the room, leaving Dan alone with his father. 

Dan looked over to the bed, taking a big breath before stepping closer and sitting on the uncomfortable chair next to it, feeling his palms sweating. Phil’s dad didn’t acknowledge his presence next to him, and it almost looked like he might have fallen asleep if not for the way his eyes opened when Phil left the room. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Lester,” Dan said, trying to keep his voice steady. He didn’t know how he was supposed to act, what he was supposed to do. Phil seemed to talk to his dad as if he could understand, as if he could respond, so Dan thought he should probably do the same. 

“Phil told me you’re a big fan of Florida.” He said, and maybe it was his imagination, but it looked like the man was paying attention to his words. “I myself never been, but I have a distant aunt who moved there when I was young, and she always tells us she likes England better when she comes to visit, so maybe I haven’t missed much.” 

The beeping sound of the machine was somehow comforting, Dan though, providing some kind of background noise to make up for the silent presence of the weak man next to him. He fiddled with his fingers, trying to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Your home is very nice by the way.” He tried again, racking his brain for a subject to talk about. “You would be happy to know that Martyn and Phil keep it clean and organized.” He said, trying to smile even though the man wasn’t looking at his direction. “Well, maybe not Phil’s bedroom, but everything else,” he added with a chuckle. 

The man’s stare moved to the side then, looking behind Dan’s shoulder pointedly, his stare hollow but still focused at the same time. Dan followed the gaze, his eyes landing on the nightstand, noticing the apple laying on top. He reached for the apple, taking it in his hand and turning back to the man in the bed. 

“Oh, do you want to eat this?” he asked, as if the man could actually answer. The small blue eyes focused on him again, and Dan thought it was as close to a yes as he would get. 

“Wait, I’ll look for a knife,” Dan said, opening the drawers in the night stand, hoping to find what he was looking for. He ended up finding a kitchen knife in the second drawer (Phil or Martyn probably brought it with them at some point for moments like these, Dan assumed), taking it out and smiling at the man with victory. “Bingo,” he said. 

“I should probably wash this,” Dan added as an afterthought, getting up and walking to the small sink in the corner of the room. It felt weird, narrating his actions, but it was better than the silence. Dan wondered, while washing the knife and the apple, if Phil’s father had anything to do with Phil being so uncomfortable when there was a lull in conversation, had anything to do with his need to fill every moment with aimless chatter. Probably, he concluded, but he didn’t dwell on it, focusing on the task at hand, getting back to his sit and starting to cut the apple into thin slices. 

“Here,” he said, bringing a slice close to Mr. Lester’s mouth, feeling a little mortified when the man only looked at him in response, not opening his mouth. Was this how he was supposed to do that? Dan wondered. He had no idea, no clue how to take care of this person. 

He swallowed his nerves, letting his hand drop. “Oh, you don’t want that? My bad,” he chuckled awkwardly. “It’s okay, I’ll eat it then,” he said, and even though he had no desire to, brought the slice to his own mouth. 

 

Mr. Lester was watching him as he chewed and swallowed, looking almost concentrated. “It’s a really good apple,” Dan said once he was done, feeling absolutely ridiculous about the whole thing. “Not too sweet. I don’t like when apples are too sweet,” he took another bite. 

For a few minutes they continued like that, Dan slowly eating the apple and commenting on its taste, and Phil’s father looking at him, focused on his actions. 

Then, suddenly, the man opened his mouth and let out a noise. Dan was so caught off guard that he almost dropped the apple from his hands, his eyes widening. “Sorry?” he asked, feeling dumb. He debated pushing the emergency button, assuming maybe the man was in pain. 

But Mr. Lester didn’t look any different than before, and when he opened his mouth again, Dan could have sworn the sounds coming out if his mouth were supposed to be words. Finally, Dan understood what he wanted when a skinny arm made its way from under the blanket, reaching towards the apple before falling back down. 

“Oh!” Dan exclaimed, trying to mask his immense surprise at the sudden communication. “You changed your mind? Okay then, here you go,” he said, trying to stop his hand from shaking when he took another apple slice and brought it to the man’s mouth. This time, he opened his mouth wide, accepting the food almost eagerly. 

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Dan said quietly. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he wasn’t surprised when he got no response. 

Dan stayed quiet for a few minutes after that, feeding the man slowly, trying to decide how to approach the next thing he wanted to say. 

“Actually, Mr. Lester, one of the reasons I came here today was to tell you something,” he said eventually. The apple was still only half eaten, and the man was still chewing slowly, but he looked at Dan expectantly (or at least, that was what Dan wanted to assume the look was). 

Dan took a big breath, his eyes focused on the apple in his hand. “I wanted to say… I wanted to say thank you, for raising such great people like Phil and Martyn,” he said, raising his head to look at the man directly, trying to read his small, dull eyes. When he couldn’t recognize any emotions in them, he decided to keep going. Mostly for himself, but maybe, he thought, for the person in from if him too. Dan knew, from Phil’s stories, that he wasn’t always the perfect father. But still, he managed to raise two of the most amazing people Dan had ever met, and that wasn’t a given in Dan’s eyes. 

“I hope I’m not stepping out of line, but I wanted to say that… You don’t need to worry about them.” He continued, keeping the eye contact. “They care about each other a lot, everyone who interacts with them can see it. They will always support each other, no matter what. I don’t know them long, but I know this for sure.” He fidgeted with the apple, trying not to lose his courage. 

“And also, I know you don’t know me, I’m a complete stranger to you, but I wanted to tell you… I wanted to tell you that I care about Phil a lot. More than a lot.” He said, feeling his palms starting to sweat again. “I’m a pretty useless person. I’m not really good at anything and to be completely honest with you, I don’t have any big life goals, never had them.” He chuckled humorlessly. Mr. Lester had no expression on his face, so Dan kept going, determined to get everything he wanted to say out. 

“But… I want to make Phil happy. I want to make sure he’s taken care of and happy and safe. That’s… a goal, kind of, for me right now.” He smiled a little, feeling his heart beating hard in his chest at his own words. He meant them, he knew he meant them, but saying them out loud felt so much more serious, so much more nerve-racking than thinking them in his head was, and he had to take another big breath to compose himself. “Phil… he’s incredible. He’s kind and he cares so much about things and he tries his best with everything, even when it’s hard.” Dan couldn’t help the soft smile on his lips, even though he still wasn’t sure the man was actually listening. “He makes me want to work hard too, and that’s a feeling I didn’t feel for a long time, maybe never.” 

Even though his expression didn’t change, Phil’s father was still looking at him, his eyes focused on Dan’s, and really, Dan thought, it was probably as good as it was going to get. “So, umm, I just wanted to thank you, again. I’ll be forever grateful to you and… and your wife, for raising Phil to be the person that he is. I’ll… work hard, to make sure I make him just as happy as he makes me.” 

It looked like Mr. Lester’s eyes had more clarity in them when Dan mentioned Phil’s mother, and Dan remembered Phil’s words from a few weeks ago, ‘I never knew anyone who loved someone as much as my dad loved my mum,’ but the look was gone as fast as it came and Dan thought that maybe he imagined it after all. 

He felt better, saying everything he wanted to say. And even though he knew his words were a little too promising considering their unknown future, considering he and Phil had only known each other for the last two months, he also knew, looking at the man in front of him, that he might not get many more chances to say what he wanted to say. 

“So, umm, yeah. That’s what I wanted to say,” Dan added, feeling suddenly awkward under the emotionless stare, hands still fidgeting with the half eaten apple. Mr. Lester’s eyes moved then to Dan’s hands, and then back to his eyes, mouth opening. At first, Dan thought he wanted to say something, before realization hit him. 

“Oh!” he said, shaking his head. “Sorry, I forgot,” he apologized, resuming cutting slices from the apple and feeding him slowly, wondering if he understood anything of what Dan was saying. 

(For some reason, Dan thought that he did, but maybe it was just wishful thinking). 

 

*****************************************

Phil came back to the room after half an hour with an apologetic smile, stopping in his track when he saw the scene in front of him. 

The apple was almost entirely eaten, and Mr. Lester was just chewing on the last slice when Phil opened the door, staring at his father and at Dan with wide eyes. 

Dan smiled at him proudly, feeling a little smug at Phil’s expression. 

“You got him to eat?” Phil asked, not even trying to mask his surprise. 

“Yes,” Dan answered, getting up to wash the knife in the sink, letting Phil take his place. 

Phil approached the bed, smiling softly at his father. “Was it a good apple dad? Martyn bought them especially for you at the market, but he said you didn’t want to eat any yesterday,” he said, reaching up to pet the man’s head. As expected, he got no response back, only two small eyes blinking up at him. 

“Okay then,” Phil said, pulling the blanket down his dad’s body, “Let’s get you cleaned, shall we?” 

 

************************

 

For the rest of the day, Dan felt completely useless. Phil changed his father’s clothes and fed him and gave him medication and told him all kind of stories about the New Year’s party he and Dan went to and about Martyn and Cornelia and even about the fat dog that used to belong to his aunt that was now gaining more and more Instagram followers from people interested in his transformation.

Mr. Lester looked completely indifferent to the endless chatter, eyes moving their focus from Phil to the ceiling to Dan, showing no particular interest in any of them. Dan was mostly standing next to Phil, trying to offer any help he could but mostly getting dismissed with a gentle smile and a soft “thank you.” 

At around 2 o’clock, when a nurse came in to take Mr. Lester’s vitals, Dan finally understood what Phil meant when he said his dad didn’t let anyone but Phil tend to him. 

When the impatient looking nurse tried to touch him, Mr. Lester’s body went completely rigid under her fingers and he made a pained noise, trying to move away from her hand, his dull eyes a sudden mixture of panic and anger. 

Immediately, Phil stepped in, putting his hand on his father’s shoulder. “Shh, dad, I’m here,” he said, trying to soothe him, looking at the nurse apologetically. 

It took both Phil and the nurse working together for more than 30 minutes to complete the simple task, and when she finally left the room she had an annoyed look on her face, dismissing Phil’s constant apologies. 

At that moment, Dan really wanted to wrap his arms around Phil and squeeze him tight, kiss the distress from his face and soothe him as best as he could. 

But Phil didn’t look like he could handle a hug at that moment, trying to compose himself, so Dan settled on a comforting hand on his back and a sympathetic smile, earning himself a grateful little curve of the lips in return. 

“It’s okay,” Phil said quietly, and Dan wasn’t sure if he was saying it to himself or to Dan. 

 

*****************************

 

They left the hospital after 8 PM, when Phil’s father fell asleep and Phil said it was okay to leave for the day. 

Phil looked drained, and honestly Dan felt quite drained himself. He couldn’t imagine doing this as often as Phil did. 

They were walking towards the bus station hand in hand when Phil started talking, not lifting his eyes up to look at Dan. “Well?” he asked, with no explanation, for some reason sounding a little defeated. Dan didn’t like that sound at all. 

“Well what?” he asked, looking at Phil, trying to catch his gaze. 

Phil didn’t budge, his eyes focused on the ground. “Well… did today officially scared you off?” he asked, and Dan was so caught by surprise that he stopped in his track, his grip on Phil’s hand making him stop as well, finally looking up at him. 

“No,” he said, dumbly, staring at Phi with wide eyes. “Why would you say that?” 

Phil looked a little surprised by Dan’s reaction as well, searching Dan’s eyes for something. “Because, this is my life now. Not just now… this is how most of my life looked like, and I know it’s not… it’s not pretty, and not easy, and I can’t expect you to be a part of it when you have the choice not to be.” 

And Dan couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take the sincere look in Phil’s eyes. Couldn’t take the way he thought Dan wouldn’t want to stay with him because it wasn’t always easy, or pretty, or any other reason Phil thought Dan should be running to the hills. 

He stepped forward, ignoring Phil’s surprised squeak and wrapped himself tightly around Phil’s shoulders, pulling him as close as possible. “You’re such an idiot,” he said, squeezing even harder, nose buried in Phil’s pink hat. 

“I am?” Phil asked, voice muffled by Dan’s coat. 

Dan laughed, feeling like he might actually start crying. “Yes, you are, if you think you’re getting rid of me that easily. I’m not that easily scared,” he said.

That, was a lie. Dan knew it was a lie. Usually, Dan was extremely easy to scare off, he knew that, but with Phil, everything felt a little different, everything made him want to make more effort, to work harder, to not let go. 

Phil pulled away a little, wrapping his own arms around Dan’s middle, holding tightly. His eyes were shinning with a realization. “Thank you. For today. For… for giving him that apple, I don’t know how you managed to… but not only for that. Thank you for caring, and… and for staying. Just, thank you.” 

Dan nodded, not trusting his voice at that moment, leaning down to kiss Phil softly on the lips (pulling away after a few short moments, ignoring Phil’s protest, they were on public after all). 

“You welcome,” he said, kissing Phil’s forehead for good measure, pulling away and looking at Phil’s pink face. His intense blue eyes (so different from his father’s) were looking right at him with so much emotion Dan had to fight the urge to look away. 

“Dan…I,” He started to say, his cheeks getting even pinker, eyes sparkling with something Dan couldn’t recognize. He opened his mouth a few more times, trying to talk, before groaning loudly and stepping forward, burying his face in Dan’s neck in frustration.

Dan chuckled, kissing the top of his head and holding him close. 

“Sorry,” Phil said, his cold nose rubbing against Dan’s warm skin. “I’m too much of a coward to say it. Maybe… maybe next time.”

Dan felt his heart swell in his chest, and he wanted, more than anything, to give Phil everything he needed, to give him the strength he thought he was missing. 

“It’s okay” he said, lips brushing against the fabric of Phil’s hat. “We got time. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Promise?”

Dan squeezed him again. “Promise.”

************************

Phil’s dad died the next morning. Dan got a phone call from Martyn, telling him the news, saying that Phil asked to be left alone for a little, to process. Dan expressed his sympathies, feeling a little numb.

He haven’t heard from Phil for two weeks after that. 

And just like that, the first few weeks of the new year were the coldest Dan had experienced in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! how are you? ^.^  
> hope you liked the chapter! it was a complicated one to write for me :')  
> please come tell me your thoughts about it, as it's always gives me tons of motivation <3


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